Why do victims stay?
People
who aren't abused might find it difficult to understand why anyone would stay in a violent relationship. Victims are often
blamed & labeled as weak & needy. Some people believe that if a person stays in an abusive relationship, she or he
must somehow like it or need to be beaten to feel worthy.
But the issue is more complex than simply
leaving or staying. A woman may fear that the abuser will hurt her & her children or take her children away. She may have
limited financial options. She may blame herself. She may stay because she doesn't want to break up the family or for religious
reasons. Also, she may still love her abuser & hope that things will get better. A man who is being abused may have a
similar experience.
If you know someone who is being abused,
be a good listener & supportive friend. Remind her that she & her children are worth better treatment. You may be
able to help a victim understand his or her options. You can also suggest that the person contact the National Domestic Violence
Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE [7233] to find a local domestic violence group. Understand if the person is reluctant to leave.
The person knows his or her abuser best & what options are safest.
 there are no excuses for abusive behavior!
Memorize safe numbers including the police, family, or a local
domestic violence agency. If possible, obtain a cell phone to keep with you at all times.
Warning to all victims of abuse using their computers:
Your activities on the internet can be traced thru your computer. If your abuser is familiar with computers,
it could be dangerous to use your own computer to look up information concerning abuse, domestic violence or any similar subject.
You can go into your temporary internet files, cookies, history, etc. to delete the paths to certain websites,
but anyone with adequate computer knowledge may be able to find a path to one of the websites you have visited.
It's a good idea to go to your public library, a friend or family members house to use a more secure computer
for this information.
Are You in an Abusive Situation?
- by Colin Gabriel Hatcher & Randall Beers
An abusive relationship
is a non-consensual relationship where you're forced against your will to comply with another's demands & expectations,
to the detriment of your health, happiness, confidence & well-being.
You may comply
because you're afraid of the consequences of refusing to comply (violence, insults, rejection, abandonment), or because you
feel you have no other choices.
There are many levels of abuse involving some or
all of the many symptoms listed below. A lot of abuse is so low level & has been going on for so long that you may not
even realize that you're IN an abusive situation.
On the other hand
some of the symptoms below considered on their own might not be abusive at all, being the result of discussion, consent &
agreement between you & your significant other (i.e., many couples freely & happily agree that one of them will handle
all the money, because the other doesn't want to).
Remember, abusive behavior is behavior towards you that either you didn't freely consent to and which causes
you harm. Remember also that abuse isn't gender or age specific - both men and women can
be abusers or abused and children can be abusive towards their parents, or abused by their parents.
Read thru the lists below and reflect on your own relationship.
Is your significant
other:
Using Emotional Abuse
Using Controlling Behavior
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Treating you like a servant
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Making all the big decisions
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Being the one to define roles
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Making you unimportant
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Punishment for not "obeying"
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Ordering you around
-
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Requiring that you agree
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Making you account for every
minute when you're away from them
Using Economic Abuse
Using Coercion & Threats
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Making or carrying out threats
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Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report
you to welfare
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Making you drop charges
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Making you do illegal things
Using Isolation
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Controlling what you do, who you see & talk to, what you read
& where you go
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Limiting your outside involvement
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Using jealousy to justify actions
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Destroying your support system
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Alienating you from your family
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Accusing you of having affairs, which leads to
you being afraid to develop friendships
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Being rude or hostile to your friends
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Keeping you in solitary confinement
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Sensory deprivation, i.e.,
blindfolding or keeping you in the
dark
Using Children
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Making you feel guilty about the children
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Using the children to relay hostile messages
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Using visitation to harass you
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Threatening to take the children
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Threatening to hurt you thru them
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Blaming you for any problems the children are having
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Hurting the children in front of you
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Punishing the children for
something you did
Using Intimidation
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Making you afraid (looks,
gestures, actions)
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Smashing things
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Abusing Pets
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Displaying Weapons
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Threatening to expose your "weakness"
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Threatening to "tell"
Minimizing, Denying, Blaming
-
Making light of the abuse
and not taking your concerns about it seriously
-
Saying the abuse
didn't happen
-
-
Claiming it was an accident
-
Hurting you while pretending it's just a game
Using Violence
- Slapping, punching or kicking you
- Pushing, shaking, squeezing, or hair pulling
- Tying you up, restraining you
- Hurting you with weapons (including belts, a chair, electrical cords etc)
- Burning or cutting you
- Rape
reach me by email anytime! click here to send an email now!
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call the police...
if you can, call the police from your location. if you are in imminent
danger, remove yourself & your children if you have children, from the scene of the abuse. call the police from any safe
location you can get to. now is not the time to pause or begin to feel doubtful about your needs.
if guilty feelings or additional fears begin to occupy your thoughts, clear your mind & call the police.
you must get to a safe place where your abuser can't get to you.
if you are aware of the abuse of a child, please
call your local police department for advice on how to report the abuse. we must all become responsible for saving those that
don't have a voice!
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call a domestic violence hotline...
The National Domestic Violence Hotline Number is: 1-800-799-7233
Where can I get help?
Contact a local
domestic violence group for information and support. To find the program offering shelter and legal support nearest
to you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE [7233] or see the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence's Web site at http://www.ncadv.org/resources/state.htm.
Many people fear that their partner will
retaliate if they contact the police. If this is the case, an advocate at your local domestic violence program may be able
to help you decide about this option. Your advocate can also help you find safe shelter or obtain a protective order if you
choose to do so.
Many states allow you to obtain a protective
order without an attorney. In some states, the court can also award temporary custody of your children to you, along with
child support, spousal support, use of the home and car, and other awards along with the protective order.
While protective orders do not
automatically prevent you from being abused, they do deter abusers. In one large study, women who obtained permanent court
orders were 80% less likely to be physically or psychologically abused than those who did not receive protective orders.11
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