spiritual abuse 

are you involved in a fundamental religious group?

is it important for you to have a close walk w/God?

have you been experiencing painful life transitions?

are you emotionally very needy now in this point of your life?

read about spiritual abuse objectively because it's a struggle to evaluate your spiritual situation when you need it so badly.

Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse are well-documented, not only in recent literature, but also in church history, & even in the Bible itself. It's not limited to groups w/heretical doctrines or wierd beliefs.  As Ronald Enroth writes: 

... spiritual abuse can take place in the context of doctrinally sound, Bible-preaching, fundamentalist, conservative Christianity. All that's needed for abuse is a pastor accountable to no one & therefore beyond confrontation.  [Churches That Abuse, p. 189.]

Few people can readily identify Spiritual Abuse when they see it.   

It's due to the fact that in varying degrees, the individual components of Spiritual Abuse are pervasively present in the church itself.  As Enroth also writes: 

... tendencies toward abusive styles of leadership are more prevalent than most Christians realize. [Churches That Abuse, p. 205.]

Spiritually abusive leaders have an element of familiarity on their side as they lure people into their groups. Few people will join a group whose abuse is obvious. Conditioning new members to the abusive environment is simply a matter of gradually intensifying the following characteristics over time:

Black & white thinking

We all need an anchor for our souls.  We all need to know that there are some things that are really true, that we can really count on & on which we can truly base our lives.  God has given each of us a need for stability in our lives & He has also provided a solid foundation on which we can rest our souls. 

This is why the Bible teaches that there are things that are always right & there are things that are always wrong.  Moral absolutes do exist; of this we can be sure. 

There are things that are always true & things that are always false.  Absolute truth also exists. The same God who created the need for these things within us has also met this need in His word. 

The spiritual abuser also knows that people need a strong foundation for their lives & so he is quick to offer one, too.  The problem is that the foundation that the spiritual abuser lays is different from the one found in the Bible. 

The foundation that God lays for us in the Bible is simple: it's Christ Himself (1 Cor. 3:11). If anyone lays any other foundation, such as the foundation of one's own authority, or one's own "prophecies," or one's own opinions, or one's own preferences, he or she has laid a false foundation. 

The foundation that God lays allows for personal freedom in lifestyle choices. It doesn't lay restrictions on what people eat, drink, what they wear, what holy days to observe or not to observe (Rom. 14:1-6). 

While God's foundation acknowledges that there are absolutes, not everything is an absolute. 

While some things are always right & some things are always wrong, not everything is always either one or the other. God doesn't treat his people like little children, giving them detailed instructions for every little decision in life. He treats us like adults, expecting us to make many decisions on our own. 

Thus there are "gray areas." There are "disputable matters," & you have no right to dictate your own personal decisions on these matters to me, nor I to you. 

In a spiritually abusive group, many things in the gray areas are pigeon-holed as either "right" or "wrong," either "good" or "evil," & many disputable matters are classified as either "black" or "white." 

No allowance is made for "middle ground" in these areas.  This is also referred to as "polarized" thinking, because nearly every issue is interpreted as having only 2 possible answers, both of which are polar opposites of each other. 

Spiritually abusive groups leave very little room in between the 2 extremes, thus crowding out both personal freedom & the operation of God's Spirit in the life of the individual. 

Since most people can see thru the faulty logic of this approach, this "black & white" mentality has to be foisted on group members gradually, even seductively, over a period of time. 

In the beginning, new members are impressed with the "brave stands" that the leadership takes on certain issues. Usually an explanation is given that certain things must be forbidden to group members, not because they're necessarily evil in & of themselves, but because they "might cause members to stumble." 

They have "evil potential," therefore they must be avoided. 

Other times the leadership manages to persuade the members that these things really are evil in & of themselves, but only the leadership is "spiritually mature" enough to "discern" the evil. 

Very often prohibitions are "customized" for various individuals in the group.  i.e., The leadership may "discern" that a particular member has a "spiritual problem."  This "spiritual problem" may supposedly have something to do with watching certain TV shows. 

So the leader bans the person from watching any TV.  Or it may have something to do with shopping, so the leader requires the person's spouse to do all the shopping from now on.  There have even been cases of leaders who order married couples to stop having sex. 

One time a member of my group requested help managing his personal finances & our leader assigned me the job of helping him. I met with this young man, helped him put together a budget & then dutifully reported back to the leader. 

I informed him that this young man's budget allocated about 10% per month for the purpose of paying off his credit card debt & another 10% for savings. 

"Why didn't you allocate all 20% to pay off the credit card?" the leader asked. 

"Because I was taught that when you budget, you need to save, as well as re-pay your debts," I replied. 

"Don't you realize what you just told him?" he asked. 

"What?" 

"You just told him he can live however he pleases!" the leader retorted, glaring at me in disapproval. 

The leader's sudden, forceful, left-hand-turn in logic left me speechless.  It was a move designed to knock me off-balance.  It wasn't true, but it accomplished his purpose of disorienting me & giving him the upper hand.  (It was an example of another manipulative ploy: "turning-the-tables.") 

In the black & white, polarized thinking of our group, all debt was totally evil & members were expected to pay off all loans & charge accounts as quickly as possible. Scripture verses were twisted out of their contexts in order to support this teaching.  

Thus my leader felt justified in accusing me of giving this young man a license to go out & sin, even though I was helping him pay off his credit card & save money.  In a black-&-white system of thinking, there can be no middle ground. 

My action must have either been totally good, or totally evil & he chose the latter. 

Perhaps you can think of examples of extremely polarized thinking in your abusive group.  We Christians are especially vulnerable to this, because we believe in moral absolutes.  We feel alienated as we make our way thru a world which believes that morals (if they exist at all) are relative & "right" & "wrong" can change with each situation. 

We naturally gravitate toward those who agree with us. Spiritual abusers come offering us relief from the onslaught of moral relativism.  They offer to eliminate confusing gray areas & simplify our choices for us. They draw hard-&-fast boundaries for us to help us make sure that we always "color inside the lines." 

They sound like the good guys.  But they're not.  

An esoteric approach to truth

I am indebted to my good friend, Wheaton College Professor Emeritus Dr. Morris Inch for bringing this manipulative technique to my attention. 

Even though it's one of the more obvious features of both cults & spiritual abuse, this one is often difficult for people to describe. 

"Esoteric" can mean either "intended for or understood by only a chosen few, as an inner group of disciples or initiates (said of ideas, doctrines, literature, etc.)" or "beyond the understanding or knowledge of most people" (Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition, 1988, p. 464). 

The latter definition is virtually synonymous w/the meaning of "mystical," & many spiritually abusive groups are mystical, but it's the former definition that applies most frequently. 

Spiritually abusive groups have their own doctrines & their own in-house jargon which they claim can only be truly understand by those who "truly belong."  Such people are the only ones who are "true Christians." 

These groups love to quote the Apostle Paul's words: 

But a natural man doesn't accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they're foolishness to him & he can't understand them, because they're spiritually appraised.  

[1 Corinthians 2:14, NASB]

If you don't understand what the group teaches, you must be "a natural man" (literally, "an unspiritual man," NASB margin; or a "man w/out the Spirit," NIV).  It must be because you don't have God's Holy Spirit. Therefore, you must not be a Christian. 

The only problem with using that verse this way is that it's not what Paul meant. Anyone who reads the whole chapter thru from the beginning will quickly realize that "the things of the Spirit of God" don't refer to just any teaching, much less the peculiar teachings of a spiritually abusive group. 

In the context of 1 Corinthians 2, "the things of the Spirit of God" refers specifically to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the Good News of His death on the cross for our sins. 

The reason that "the things of the Spirit of God" concerning the cross of Christ are "foolishness" to the "natural man" is because he rejects them & refuses to appraise them from God's point of view, not because they are intellectually unintelligible to everyone except believers. 

This is what Paul is actually saying in the context. Spiritually abusive groups will never encourage you to read the surrounding context of the verses they quote, because if you did, you'd figure out that they're twisting the Scriptures. 

In my group, the leader would cloak his meaning in buzz-words from pop-psychology. Other groups usually confuse new members with spiritual-sounding clichés. No matter how long you're a member, you never seem to really master the in-house jargon. 

This is often because the leadership is careful never to give fully -understandable definitions of the terms it uses. This way it can always keep you off-balance, so that if you ever step out of line, it can always quote verses like 1 Corinthians 2:14 in order to frighten you back into submission. 

Sometimes leaders will also appeal to the fact that Jesus spoke in parables. They don't mention that Jesus also explained His parables to His disciples. He clarified their meaning. Why don't spiritual abusers do the same? 

While Jesus was concerned w/teaching people, spiritual abusers are concerned with controlling people by keeping them confused. 

It goes beyond the mere use of jargon. These groups have an esoteric approach to "truth" in general. Unlike the authors of the Bible, who go out of their way to make things clear to their readers, spiritual abusers make things unclear & confusing. 

True understanding always seems just slightly out of your reach. Others in the group pretend to understand & perhaps you pretend as well. Eventually you figure out that they're just as perplexed as you are, even though they'll never say so as long as they wish to remain members. 

Religion
How it's used to Control & Abuse

Using Emotional Abuse:

Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.

1 Corinthians 14:35

If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

Revelation 14:4

These are those who did not defile themselves with women, for they kept themselves pure. They follow the Lamb wherever he goes. They were purchased from among men and offered as firstfruits to God and the Lamb.

Ezekiel 16:37-41

...therefore I am going to gather all your lovers, with whom you found pleasure, those you loved as well as those you hated. I will gather them against you from all around and will strip you in front of them, and they will see all your nakedness. I will sentence you to the punishment of women who commit adultery and who shed blood; I will bring upon you the blood vengeance of my wrath and jealous anger. Then I will hand you over to your lovers, and they will tear down your mounds and destroy your lofty shrines. They will strip you of your clothes and take your fine jewelry and leave you naked and bare. They will bring a mob against you, who will stone you and hack you to pieces with their swords. They will burn down your houses and inflict punishment on you in the sight of many women. I will put a stop to your prostitution, and you will no longer pay your lovers.

Using Isolation:

1 Timothy 2:11

A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.

1 Corinthians 14:33b-34

As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says.

Leviticus 12:2b-5

...a woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

Minimizing, Denying & Blaming:

1 Timothy 2:14

And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.

John 8:3--5

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"

Using Children:

1 Timothy 2:15

But women will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Genesis 19:4-8

Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom - both young and old - surrounded the house. They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

Using Male Privilege:

Ephesians 5:22-24

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Colossians 3:18

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

1 Peter 3:1-6

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Deuteronomy 22:30

A man is not to marry his father's wife; he must not dishonor his father's bed.

Proverbs 28:16a

A tyrannical ruler lacks judgement

Women as Property:

Judges 19:22-29

While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, "Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him."

The owner of the house went outside and said to them, "No, my friends, don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing."

But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, "Get up; let's go." But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.

Deuteronomy 22:13-21

If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate. The girl's father will say to the elders, "I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her. Now he has slandered her and said, 'I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.' But here is the proof of my daughter's virginity." Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall take the man and punish him. They shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the girl's father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.

If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

Numbers 5:11-31

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Speak to the Israelites and say to them;'If a man's wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure - or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure - then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.

The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the Lord. Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. After the priest has had the woman stand before the Lord, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, "If no other man has slept with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have defiled yourself by sleeping with a man other than your husband" - here the priest is to put the woman under this curse of the oath - "may the Lord cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell. May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away." Then the woman is to say, "Amen. So be it."

The priest is to write these curses on a scroll and then wash them off into the bitter water. He shall have the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water will enter her and cause bitter suffering. The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the Lord and bring it to the altar. The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial offering and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her an cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, and she will become accursed among her people. If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.

This, then, is the law of jealousy when a woman goes astray and defiles herself while married to her husband, or when feelings of jealousy come over a man because he suspects his wife. The priest is to have her stand before the Lord and is to apply this entire law to her. The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin.