These roles – allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist – are best fulfilled by ones whose mind isn't yet fully formed and independent.

The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They're better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves.

As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.

This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.

He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He doesn't understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.

He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on).

Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.

To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, don't understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) – but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).

This is the cycle:

• the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members 

• he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring 

• he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them 

• he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources 

• as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviors 

• the narcissist devalues them 

• the narcissist feels stifled and trapped 

• the narcissist becomes paranoid 

• the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates

This cycle characterizes not only the family life of the narcissist. It's to be found in other realms of his life (his career, i.e.). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they're the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).

But following some anti-narcissistic behaviors on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite) – the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him - they're judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist's vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.

The narcissist feels that he is mis-allocating his scarce and invaluable resources (i.e., his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors, which lead to the disintegration of his life.

Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.

Appendix - Custody and Visitation

A parent diagnosed with full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) should be denied custody and be granted only restricted rights of visitation under supervision.

Narcissists accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as sources of narcissistic supply, mere instruments of gratification - idealize them at first and then devalue them in favor of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources.

Such treatment is traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects.

The narcissist's inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse - verbal, emotional, physical and often, sexual. His possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions - transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy - hinder his ability to act as a "good enough" parent.

His propensities for reckless behavior, substance abuse and sexual deviance endanger the child's welfare, or even his or her life.

source: click here

Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse: The Consequences In My Life Part 1

by Daniel Slack

“I am not sure how many “sins” I would recognize in the world. Some would surely be defused by changed circumstances. But I can imagine none that is more irredeemably sinful than the betrayal, the exploitation, of the young by those who should care for them.”

Anonymous

They dwell unseen before our very eyes. A host of people different from the men and women that are familiar to us. An invisible, lonely society within our own. Since the dawn of humanity, this group has inspired fear, guilt, and misunderstanding. It can be your co-worker, your best friend, or even your brother.

This group I am talking about lives with shame, mental illness, and eternal questions about their lives. These people live life being discounted, misunderstood and prejudiced against. I am talking about Adult Abused Children. I am proud to say that I am one of them.

What is funny is that the survivors of abuse grow up in families that wish to deny and hide the abuse. They discount what you say as “created memories,” or often saying that you do not remember things as they were. Families use the belief of Mental Illness to trample on your rights. They put conditions if the abused child should ever want to continue a relationship with their parents, like never being allowed to bring up the past. These same families expect that the memories of what ever good times they may have had should payback or balance out the memories of the abuses, as well.

Most importantly, the families where abuses occur never see the abused child as an adult, nor do they recognize when they continue to abuse the child into adulthood. Adult abuse can be just as traumatic as child abuse, but even more so when it occurs by the same people that abused you while growing up.

Abuse can be as painful as beating someone. It is manipulative, trying to make someone do something they do not want. It is shallow, not allowing or hearing the expression of feelings that are within someones heart, without consequence.

The definition of abuse refers to the use or treatment of something (a person, item, substance, concept, or vocabulary) that is seen as harmful. The term comes from the words "abnormal use". It can be used for anything, ranging from psychological manipulation to the physical striking of a person.

I feel foolish writing these memories down. Through my mind are all the phrases that other men say and statements from my family. "You are 35 years old, get over it, the past is the past, this can't be right," or even "you are lying." Like all of our past, it effects us. I can no more forget what has happened to me as I can forget how to drink water.

By not dealing with the past that has happened to me and by denying it, my parents lose respect for me, as well. They do not treat me as an adult. They feel that they have a right to criticize and compare me to my siblings, sometimes even denying the facts regarding them as well.

They do not respect my ability to make decisions. They do not respect my right to make mistakes. They criticize my choices, no matter how small or inconsequential to themselves. They make false accusations without any facts.

Someone once said that “Time heals all Wounds.” In reality, the only thing to set in the distant horizon of time is the reason for the pain, but the pain is something that I carry with me. Every time I see my parents, every time I hear their voice, questions flood into my consciousness. Did you know what you were doing to me? How could you not know? Did you know what the other people were doing to me? And most of all, why did you not protect me?

The experience I had growing up was not as pleasant as my parents would like to have it remembered. My earliest memories are not of my mother, but of my grandmother. Early in my life my mother and father were divorced. From what I gather my mother went to live with her mother with me.

Unfortunately, outside of vague remembrances of late nights eating pudding with my mother, the rest draws a blank in regards to her. I am not saying that my Grandmother was perfect in any sense of the word, but this is my memory. During this time, my mother joined the Air Force and left me with my grandmother.

I feel a bit of resentment towards that, in hind site. I was talking to someone who was a veteran of that era, and she told me that the Military did not accept unwed mothers in the 70's. Does this mean that she denied me, even back then? Was I an embarrassment to her from a distance?

When my mother returned, things changed. She brought back someone who she called my stepfather. I do have some pleasant memories of him, but my good memories seem to fade after I am taken away from my grandmother.

Some of my earliest memories with my mom and stepfather were the name calling. I remember being called monkey ears, monkey lips, and elephant knees, many times over. I remember my mom chasing me around and throwing things like shoes and books at me when I would make her mad. When they would spank me, they would tell me not to move or I would be beaten worse. Sometimes, when I was especially naughty, my mom would sit on my shoulders while my stepfather would spank me. I remember not only getting beat, but also not being able to breath, as well. This seemed to make me mistrust them even more.

There was one particular horrible time for me. I had a problem wetting the bed for some reason. The punishment for that was to throw one of my sisters diapers on me and toss me outside. Through the window I could hear someone calling “Look at the baby.” I would run and hide behind bushes until my parents would unlock the door and let me in.

I never really learned to trust my parents, even to this day. One of the reasons is that they would give me things and take them away. Whether is was my Atari 800 XL, my 1890 Blankenstein piano, or any number of other things that they gave me and sold or thrown away.

Another painful thought in regards to them is my stepfather never adopted me. This was a carrot that was hung on a pole for most of my life. In fact, I always thought that if my last name was the same as everyone else's, then I would be part of the family. My mom said she asked me one time and I refused. Even if that was true, all the millions of other times I said I wanted my stepfather to adopt me, she point out one instance where I said no. I do not recall this, I doubt the accuracy of my mothers word, but my memory is bad.

I think they try to justify when they break my trust. They try to use things they do as an excuse for why I should not feel the way I do. I hate to say it, but actions, money, and gifts will never fix a broken trust. Only showing that you have learned and are now trust worthy will solve that. Only by showing respect can respect be given. If you find it easier to love other members of your family except for one person, you must look into yourself and ask why? Do not try to blame the other person for your inability to love.

Unfortunately, my abuse was not limited to just my parents. My first instance of sexual abuse was in Fairfield, California.

There was a sweet older lady that would babysit us. Sometimes when she was busy, she would ask for a younger woman, maybe a teen girl, to come in and watch us.

Well, this younger girl would come in, and one day she told me to take off of my pants. She was wearing a dress while this was happening. To make a long story short, she tried to have sex with me. I was only 5 or 6 at the time, but I did what she said. I never got erect, and I remember it burning.

Later on, because I was not into it, she would stand me in the corner. When the babysitter got home, she asked what had happened and the lady made up some story. When my parents came to pick me up, I ended up getting punished by them as well. In this situation, I would say that parents really need to ask their children about what goes on in their day care, and parents need to realize that if a child is punished at day care, they should not be punished at home as well.

Another thing that my parents did was send us to church while they would stay home. This was at First Assembly Of God in Florida City, Florida. We would go every Sunday for Sunday School, and every Wednesday for Royal Rangers. I suspect that many parents use church as a free baby sitting service to get a break from their kids. This selfish act on the parents part is putting millions of kids in danger every Sunday.

The problem was that one of the leaders in Royal Rangers, a man named John Pruitt, was also a sexual abuser. He would pick me up, my parents seemed to trust this man. He would sometimes take me to church, sometimes he would not. I was put into a position that no child with loving parents should ever be in. He did touch me, he did do certain unspeakables to me. The weirdest thing though is that he did not seem to care either. In front of other church members, he would kiss me, on the cheek sometimes. I was young and I did not understand it. All I know is that this person effected me in ways that made me a very easy child to abuse sexually.

Once again, I remember my parents forcing to go to church. I was threatened with spankings and groundings. It really was a shame that they never listened to me. They only considered it whining. Religion should never be forced onto anyone. To do so is to create resentment against the object of worship, instead of a relationship with GOD. Sometimes parents should consider honoring their child's wishes, because they are their child.

In Arizona, I was molested by Mr. Jim Carlisle. He was the school librarian at Vail Junior High. I thought he was nice at first, but he was into taking pictures and touching me, as well. When I started going to Palo Verde High school, he became librarian there as well. He tried to initiate some things, but I stayed away form the library. I thought high school offered freedom from him, I was wrong.

It is a real odd thing, some small part of me felt like at least these people were willing to give me some sort of attention that my parents would not. They did not beat me, chase me around with book and shoes or any of the myriads of other things that went on in my family.

There was also the times that I was abused in the hospitals that my parents put me in as, well.

In Valdosta, Georgia, I was put on an adult mental ward as a child where I was abused by one of their patients.

In Arizona, I went through foster homes, halfway houses and psyche hospitals.

In fact, I almost died in one called Desert Hills, I had been given lithium carbonate, and just happened to come down with diabetes. The whole time I was coming down with symptoms, I was being punished for complaining and seeking attention. Punished for excessive thirst and using the bathroom too often. I was tied up, restrained, sat upon, because using the bathroom was an act of rebellion. It was not until later, with a blood sugar of 1800 did my parents finally force the issue with an ambulance. I went to the hospital only to be released into another mental hospital.

Too many times, it seems, my parents would leave me in the care of others. Too many times it would end in abuse. They say they love me, and I want to believe them, but something happening twice is a coincidence. Three or more times... I do not know what to think.

So, how has the abuse I have gone through effected me?

Well, the first thing I would like to mention is that is has left me without a family. The definition of a family is an association of people who share common beliefs or activities. Unfortunately, I do not have this.

I have a mother and a stepfather, but they do not treat me with respect. They criticize about things that are really not their concern. About my hamsters, about how I should not write articles, or they try to tell me I should write about other things. They also try to use the justification of “love” to manipulate or control. It is easy to judge the when you peer from a lonely mountain. My parents would not be where they are at without the help from my stepfathers parents, I don't really have such luxury, because for me such requests for help would come at a terrible price, on what remnants of a relationship we might have.

My Stepfather goes and spends time with my sister fiance playing racquet ball, goes shooting and talks about guns with my other sisters husband, but does not do anything to spend time with me. My mother only sits at home and lives in her limited world of her farm because she has preconceived notions of the world and fears criticism from others, even if it is baseless. One of my sisters has lived at home until she was 25 and then got a job at a place that she can live at also. She has not real sense of what it is like to live in a world where you have to pay for bills and such. My other sister seems to feel she needs to fix everything, but does not realize that her need to fix everything is by spreading gossip about people as well. If you cannot trust your family, who can you trust?

I suffer from Major Depression Disorder, Post Traumatic Disorder, Social Phobia:

Major Depression Disorder

Different people are affected in different ways by Major Depression Disorder. Some people have trouble sleeping, they lose weight, and they generally feel agitated and irritable. Others may sleep and eat too much and continuously feel worthless and guilty. Still others can function reasonably well at work and put on a "happy face" in front of others, while deep down they feel quite depressed and disinterested in life. There is no one way that people look and behave when they have major depression. However, most people will either have depressed mood or a general loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed, or a combination of both. In addition they will have other physical and mental symptoms that may include fatigue, difficulty with concentration and memory, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, headaches, body aches, and thoughts of suicide.

Post Traumatic Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition characterized by intense fear, helplessness, or horror (or disorganized or agitated behavior in children) resulting from the exposure to extreme trauma. The characteristic symptoms include persistent re experiencing of the traumatic event, persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness, and persistent symptoms of increased autonomic arousal. The full symptom picture must be present for more than 1 month, and the disturbance must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Individuals with this disorder may describe painful guilt feelings about surviving when others did not survive or about the things they had to do to survive. Avoidance patterns may interfere with interpersonal relationships and lead to marital conflict, divorce, or loss of job. Auditory hallucinations and paranoid ideation can be present in some severe and chronic cases.

Social Phobia

Social Phobia is a condition characterized by a marked and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment may occur. Exposure to the social or performance situation almost invariably provokes an immediate anxiety response. Although adolescents and adults with this disorder recognize that their fear is excessive or unreasonable, this may not be the case in children. Most often, the social or performance situation is avoided, although it is sometimes endured with dread. In individuals younger than 18, symptoms must have persisted for at least 6 months before is disorder is diagnosed. This diagnosis should not be given if the fear is reasonable given the context of the stimuli (e.g., fear of being called on in class when unprepared). The disturbance must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. This disorder is not due to a medical condition, medication, or abused substance. It is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).

Individuals with this disorder may develop hypersensitivity to criticism, negative evaluation, or rejection. They often have difficulty being assertive; and have a low self-esteem or have feelings of inferiority. They often fear indirect evaluation by others, such as taking a test. They may have poor social skills (e.g., poor eye contact) or observable signs of anxiety (e.g., cold clammy hands, tremors, shaky voice). They may underachieve at school due to test anxiety or avoidance of classroom participation. They may underachieve at work because of anxiety during, or avoidance of, speaking in groups, in public, or to authority figures and colleagues. They often have few friends and are less likely to marry. In more severe cases, individuals may drop out of school, be unemployed and not seek work due to difficulty interviewing for jobs, have no friends or cling to unfulfilling relationships, completely refrain from dating, or remain with their family or origin.

I survive and I thrive. I tend to get depressed. I tend to get a little sloppy. I am a little disorganized. I sleep odd hours because sleeping causes me to dream and my dreams are not good.

I have been published in magazines and newspapers. I have even been on TV and radio. I have a number of certifications and a college degree. I have worked for Microsoft, Sierra Online, and Sputnik Network Services. For the past 15 years, I have survived without their help.

Yet this is not enough for them. Part of me wishes to leave and to never talk to them again. Yet another part of me hopes, that one day, maybe I might have a healthy relationship with them. This will never occur until they stop lying to themselves about our past, look at me in the present, and really work with me for a better future.

“The germ of violence is laid bare in the child abuser by the sheer accident of his individual experience ... in a word, to a greater degree than we like to admit, we are all potential child abusers.” F. Gonzalez-Crussi

This series is continued in "Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse: The Consequences In My Life Part 2"

The following was taken from http://ezinearticles.com/?Signs-of-Physical/Sexual-Child-Abuse-in-Adults&id=139397

If you or a family member has these symptoms, they may need some help. As an adult have you or a family member experienced—but not limited to the following?

• Little or no memory of childhood—age 3 to 12 • Trouble with relationships—on the job, in your family, • Low self-esteem, • Panic attacks—mild to severe, • Anxiety, • Phobias, • Depression, • Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately, • alcohol/drug abuse, • Obsessive compulsive behavior, • Nightmares of being chased, trapped or surreal, • Sensory flashes—unable to identify images, • Insomnia, • Suicidal thoughts or attempts, • A sense of going crazy or feeling unreal compared to others • Shame, guilt, • Sense of underlying humiliation, • Baseless crying, • Angry outbursts/rage seemingly for no reason, • Inability to recognize feelings, • Mood swings, • Emotional shut down, • Numbing or zoning out, • Arthritis/joint pain, • Diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, • Labeled an ‘airhead’ • Chronic/acute fear, • Headaches/migraines, • Eating disorders—anorexia, bulimia, obesity, • PMS, • Vaginismus, • Gastrointestinal/gynecological disorders, • Chronic fatigue, • MS, • Fibromyalgia, • Lupus • Chronic back pain—L3, L4 and/or L5 region • Cancer—predominately—vaginal, cervical or ovarian in women; testicular, prostate in men; however cancer of any kind can be as a result of physical or sexual abuse. Cancer is anger/rage turned against the self. • Prostitute/promiscuous sex, • Inability to orgasm • Dissociative Identity Disorder—MPD • Self-injury—self-abuse, self-mutilation (cutting, burning, breaking bones, pinching skin, ingesting, injecting and inserting foreign materials, interfering with the healing process of wounds, punching, slapping, picking skin, pulling hair, bloodletting, tattooing, piercing • Wearing baggy clothes or clothes a size or two sizes too large • Aversion to opposite sex—including homosexuality/lesbian • Use of pornography—print, video • Enjoy peep shows, topless dancers, • Become a porn star or pimp, • Sex offenders—male and female

Suggested Reading:

• Heal Your Body, Louise L. Hay

• The Courage to Heal, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

• Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women, E. Sue Blume

• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

• Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society’s Betrayal of the Child, Alice Miller

• Breaking Down the Walls of Silence: The Liberating Experience of Facing Painful Truth Alice Miller

• The Untouched Key: Tracing Childhood Trauma in Creativity and Destructiveness Alice Miller, et al

• Banished Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injuries, Alice Miller

• Trauma, Amnesia and the Denial of Abuse, Robert Falconer, et al., eds.

• Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest, Mike Lew

• Wounded Boys, Heroic Men: A Men’s Guide to Recovering from Child Abuse Daniel Sonkin

• Broken Boys/Mending Men: Recovery from Child Sexual Abuse, Stephen GrubmanBlack

• Female Sexual Abuse of Children, Michele Eliott, ed.

• The Last Secret: Daughters Sexually Abused by Mothers, Bobbie Rosencrans

If you have experienced one or more of these 'symptoms' you could be a physical or sexual abuse survivor.

Healing the emotional wounds of physical or sexual abuse is possible. Talk therapy, antidepressants and/or antipsychotic drugs are inadequate to uncover the emotional pain, and heal the trauma trapped in muscles and tissue. To fully appreciate the depth of this pain, I will quote one of my clients, "Even my blood hurts." A multifaceted healing process specifically focused on physical and sexual abuse recovery and diligent work is the most effective; wherein the survivor can replenish their emotional and spiritual identity and empowerment.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening.

http://www.drdorothy.net
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dorothy_M._Neddermeyer,_PhD

Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse: The Consequences In My Life Part 2

by Daniel Slack

A continuation of the series from Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse: The Consequences In My Life Part 1

“Let's not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.”

Vincent Van Gogh

There is a big difference between healing and not healing, in regards to parents. When they are able to grow past certain behaviors and are willing to try some sort of reconciliation, true healing of relationships can occur. When they are in denial of what has happened, this will perpetuate resentment for years to come, and it causes the problem of allowing the abused child to grow into an adult within their eyes. Without reconciliation, they will not respect, they will not accept you, they will trap you.

Trap you in attitudes and perceptions of the child that you once were. They will trap in judgments and excuses to allow the continuation of the control they wish to keep on you, without realizing this. They will use tactics that they claim are for your own good. They will use tactics that, when pointed out that is not good, will get the response of indifference.

Trappings come in many different forms. One must be aware of these trappings so that you are not caught within its net. As an adult, be aware of the habit of bargaining to try to justify the allowance of abuse. “I have done this, so you should look past that.” is a common tactic in abusive relationships. So is also the concept of self righteousness, “Without me, you would never have accomplished what you have.” Ultimately, if you try to stop what is happening in the relationship, it may even boil down to using regret and guilt. Statement of, “You should have stayed where you were, or I wish you were never born” are also used as a tool to force you to accept the abuse to continue in your life.

I am not saying that I kept an expectation of perfection on their part, and I know well the frustration of child rearing. But in an abusive situation regarding parents, there seems to be unrealistic expectations that can harm the adult/abused child. Some of these that I am dealing with not just with my parents, but within myself also:

Trust, my parents believe I should trust because we are related. I believe that trust must be nurtured and cared for through out our life. When I have come back to them in Tennessee, there was an expectation of trust. The trust they expect is one I cannot give yet, because they have not proved deserving of that trust.

In my short time so far, even the ability to trust on a small level has failed. Scheduled meetings and trips, behaviors reverting us back to a time that I am trying to move past. Even something as big as blatant manipulation and blackmail is still occurring in my family's dynamic. When I point this out, my mother discounts my statements and it becomes an argument about who deserved what treatment, when. When dealing with past abuse, it is hard to deal with issues if they are not handled separately in discussions.

Unfortunately, in this type of relationship, there is a delusion that is evident. The belief that they know what is best or right for myself. Since they are certain that they have special insight into my own behaviors or intentions, they feel gratified if they can manipulate me into following their advice. At one time this same behavior did carry over into my own existence.

In my life I have broken many trusts, but I have learned the emotional ramifications due to the fact that I would justify these dishonors. Too often, I was too embroiled in my own emotional pain to recognize that I was repeating the same attitudes, the same abuses that were done to me. By trying to lie about my own pain, by trying to deny my own pain, I was causing pain, both knowingly and unknowingly to others

When it comes to honor and trust I am guilty of:

Lying about my past experiences through denial or creating a better than truth scenario so that I could feel accepted by others around me. I already felt bad about my past, but by not taking ownership of my past and admitting truthfully to myself what had occurred had further fed the feeling of guilt that already dwells deep inside.

Using the excuse, "I did not promise" as an excuse to not do something that I said I would. This is a form of self justification. It is also a form of dishonoring myself. Every word that comes out of a man's mouth is a promise. A man without honor is not a man.

Repeatedly using outside circumstances, no matter how minor, to get out of things that I had given my word on doing. Too often, instead of being honest with the person I had given my word to, I would use any excuse to get out of what I needed to do.

Using my past as an excuse for disrespectful behavior towards others. It really does not matter what happened 20 years ago, in regards to disrespect. Respect is defined as the ability to regard highly and think much of someone, whether they agree or disagree with you. When you respect someone you allow them to have a similar or difference of opinion. You give weight to their words, you give them more consideration the more respect you give them. By not hearing what others are saying and seeking what they are trying to convey to you, you are placing yourself above others. All abusers put themselves above others, that way they can further justify their actions.

Using my past as an excuse to justify not feeling compassion for those I have wronged. This is often too common in our daily lives. Whether it is the response of “My life was much harder than yours” or just selfish indifference towards feelings or circumstances, we do not allow compassion because we cannot look past our own pain.

I have used manipulation tools. One example of this can be to withhold something from someone “for their benefit”, but what benefit would that be? In reality the only benefit would be the chance to further my control over the other person's life.

Another tool is to flood information that is irrelevant to a debate or argument in order to achieve a victory, instead of trying to look at the merits of each individual point in order to achieve compromise or see the truth from both perspectives. The reason for this is an over bearing since of self-importance. By not allowing yourself to see things from another perspective you are actually saying that your is the only correct one. An example of this tool is to shut yourself away from someone, so that you inspire guilt and heartache in them. Their guilt then consumes them to the point that they acquiesce, and allow you to win and get your way.

At the core of a manipulator is a person who is dissatisfied with their own life. They try to create imagined problems, or try blowing existing problems out of proportion. If they are able to make us unhappy or uncomfortable they can focus on our pain instead of their own. This helps them to momentarily feel better. This drives the need to manipulate further because as the feeling of satisfaction dissipates, the manipulation must be reinforced.

All these are tactics that have been dominant in my family in regards to dealing with me. These tactics I have used in the past in dealing with people, as well. I recognize how unhealthy all these tactics are and strive to constantly move away by changing my behavior.

The way I change my behavior is to constantly think about what actions I am about to do, and to consider what my intentions really are in regards to these actions. I am constantly having to consider what my feelings really are. Whether it is a statement, compliment, or action, I need to be constantly aware of my intentions. Am I saying something that is beneficial to those around me? If I am saying a compliment, is it something I truly feel or am I saying it to achieve my own purposes? Is the action I am doing being done for good reasons, or is there an agenda that is only beneficial to me? By evaluating myself in this fashion, I am not only taking responsibility for my actions and feelings, I am also protecting those around me as well.

You have to be brutally honest to yourself. To some this may seem like a heavy responsibility or task, but as time passes you will find that you lose the need to consciously be aware of what you are doing, and realize that by trying to respect others, you are really respecting yourself.

"One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Up next "Adult Survivor Of Child Abuse: The Consequences In My Life Part 3", the effect I have had on lost opportunities, friends and loves.

Here are a couple of sites that maybe helpful in identifying manipulation:

http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/manipulator.shtml

http://www.hodu.com/manipulator.shtml

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Emotional_manipulators_and_narcissism

How To Stop Being Manipulated 

Don't Defeat Yourself with Emotional Manipulation 

http://recognizethesigns.tripod.com/