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Why
Do Women Hit Men?
Gelles
(1997, p. 133) put it succinctly: "People hit and abuse family members because they can." And in today's society,
as reflected in TV, movies, and feminist doctrine, women are openly given permission to hit men. For example, a woman slapping
a man in the face is rarely, if ever, viewed as "domestic violence."
We
are fighting a losing war against family violence until society withdraws permission from women to hit their intimate partners.
The problem and causes of female violence must also be recognized and addressed.
It
has been suggested that female assaults on males are almost always for reasons of self-defense. Outside of studies that come
from clinical samples of women who seek services in domestic violence centers and social service agencies we have not
found evidence to support that hypothesis.
Fiebert
and Gonzales (1997) have looked at the reasons why women assault from a sample of 978 college women in California. Within
a 5-year period, 20%, or 285 of the women surveyed admitted to physical aggression against their male partners.
There
does not seem to be any support in the available data for the feminist proposition that women only use violence against men
in self defense. The most-common reasons the women in the Fiebert and Gonzales (1997) study gave for assaulting their male
partners included:
•
My partner wasn't sensitive to my needs.
•
I wished to gain my partner's attention.
•
My partner was not listening to me.
The
factor of the male being abusive to the woman was one of the less-frequently stated reasons for the female's assault.
Fiebert
and Gonzales (1997) also asked for more profound reasons as to why the woman had assaulted her male partner. The five leading
reasons the women gave to that query were:
•
I believe that men can readily protect themselves so I don't worry when I become physically aggressive (24%).
•
I have found that most men have been trained not to hit a woman and therefore I am not fearful of retaliation from my partner
(19%).
•
I believe if women truly are equal to men then women should be able to physically express anger at men (13%).
•
I learned when growing up that I could be physically aggressive toward my brother and he would not fight back (12%).
•
I sometimes find when I express my anger physically I become turned on sexually (8%).
In
two Australian studies (Sarantakos, 1998, 1999), the most common type of male behavior that resulted in abuse was a minor
violation of household rules.
In
Sarantakos' studies the three most common reasons women gave for abuse of their male partners were:
•
To resolve the argument.
•
To respond to family crisis.
•
To "Stop him bothering me!"
We
are aware of two studies that have asked the questions of assault context and self-defense in the general population.
An
English study by Carrado et al. (1996), summarized in Table 1, suggests that ~80% of assaults by wives on their husbands were for reasons other than self-defense. Items C and F in Table 1 were identified as clear examples of self-defense. Note that multiple reasons are often given for the same assault.
Table
1: Results of 1994 national study from England on causes of violence (Carrado et al., 1996).
Reasons Given For Assaults
Assault by
Female
Male
A. "Get through to..."
53% 64%
B. "Something said or threatened..."
52% 53%
C. "Some physical action..." (Self-Defense)
21% 27%
D. "Stop doing something..."
33% 43%
E. "Make do something..." 26% 26%
F. "About to use physical action." (Self-Defense)
17% 21%
G. "Influence of alcohol, etc...."
13% 35%
H. "In character..."
16% 27%
I. "Other"
12% 7%
Percent of 1,978 respondents committing an assault
11%
10%
It is also of note that the victimization rate between men and women in Table 1 is nearly the same, 11% for women and 10% for men. Many other studies support that result (see tabulation by Fiebert, 1997).
The result that violence by men and women in intimate relationships is roughly equal is one of the best replicated findings
in all of the social sciences.
In
Canada, Sommer (1994) examined a longitudinal study consisting of "married, cohabiting and remarried males and females
between the ages of 18 and 65 years." Data were collected at two points in time over a two year period from face-to-face
interviews with 452 females and 447 males. Of these, 39% of the women and 26% of the men committed acts of violence against
their spouses at some time in their relationship. 16% of the women and 8% of the men defined those acts as severe in nature.
90%
of the abusive women did not strike their male partners in self-defense.
On
the contrary, these women hit, kicked, threw something, and bit their male partners when they were furious, jealous, high
on drugs or alcohol, frustrated, in need of control, or had impulse problems.
14%
of the men who were attacked in Sommer's (1994) study needed to go to the hospital.
These
studies suggest that only 10-20% of women in the general population assault their male partners for clear reasons of self-defense.
Nearly the same percentage of women were found in the Fiebert and Gonzales (1997) study to use violence against their male
partners for purposes of sexual arousal.
domestic violence against men
yes, it happens
Recommendations
The rule of law
In lessening the impact of domestic violence & abuse on men, women & children it's essential that it be recognized that these are human problems, not
a gender issue.
Present practices of making
arrests w/out a warrant often w/little or no evidence of violence or probable cause, forcing men from their homes & children
w/nothing more than the clothes on their back, searches w/out a warrant, property seizures w/out legal redress, mandatory
arrests based on nothing more than hearsay, assuming the accused is guilty until proven innocent, denial of the right to confront
their accuser & obtain witnesses in one's defense, punishment & imprisonment that occurs before trial or w/out one,
public censure for crimes men have not committed & more, are acts of a police state & the policies of tyrants that
rent the very fabric of our freedoms.
Historically,
such oppression has dramatically raised the level of violence in a society. There's no precedent
to suggest tyranny & draconian laws will solve any social problem. Pizzey states unequivocally that "Any country that
has tried to create a political solution to human problems has ended up w/concentration camps & gulags."
Thus, many of our present
laws & practices aren't only unjust, they are dramatically wrong. To protect men & women we must restore their civil
liberties, as free people are demonstrably intolerant of violence & abuse of anyone, be it domestic partners or foreign
countries.
Whatever actions are taken, it should be recognized that
families are the cornerstone of our civilization & that children want & need both parents.
Recognition of the role of medical problems in domestic violence
Straus & others (1980, p. 239) clearly recognized that domestic violence & abuse are often the result of medical
problems that can be treated. Elliot (1988) has looked at neurological factors. Rosenbaum
& others (1994) & Warnken & others (1994)
have examined the propensity for relationship violence in males who have suffered head injuries.
Women suffer head injuries
as well.
To succeed in an approach
to finding medical causes of domestic violence, both partners
must be evaluated when problems occur in the family setting. It isn't "blaming the victim" to find out whether a woman, or
a man, suffers from a possibly curable or controllable condition that exacerbates the family violence & abuse.
Where underlying problems
exist, shouldn't we emphasize treatment of those conditions rather than the outward manifestation now regarded as domestic
violence?
And isn't it barbaric to
imprison someone & tear them from their support because they have received an injury such as a blow to the head?
Substance abuse also falls
in this category. But Colorado, and many other states, use a one-size-fits-all approach of 36 weeks of counseling to treat
domestic violence offenders.
When one looks for clinical
trials (URL — ClinicalTrials.gov) of the effects of medications on domestic violence
being done by the National Institutes of Health in the U.S., the only one found is a study of Prozac, with no other studies
referenced.
Shouldn't we fix the problem,
not the blame?
What Can A Man Do In Self Defense?
A berserk woman is a frightening
spectacle to even the most hardened police officer & females often attack their partners w/ dangerous implements. McLeod
(1984) found that roughly 80% of women use some sort of weapon to compensate for the difference
in size when they seriously assault their mates.
In such cases the male
is faced w/the eternal fight or flee paradox. Only it's probably his mate & all too often the mother of his children,
he faces in deadly combat.
Defense of self is certainly
justifiable under such circumstances & will involve the use of force against a woman to restrain her unless he flees.
However, if she's injured while attempting to restrain her, it's the male who will almost certainly be arrested &
jailed under current laws & practice.
Thus, under current statutes
& police training, a man must also defend himself as much against the excesses of the justice system as from his female
partner.
What to do when the situation may escalate out of control
If one's intimate
partner becomes increasingly ill-tempered and violent & there are any weapons or potential weapons in the house, get rid
of them if at all possible. Or make them inaccessible before the violence starts.
Women go
to weapons either first or earlier than men. A man (or woman) should look around & see
what is on the walls or in drawers that could be kept somewhere outside the house.
Gun collections,
military or Masonic swords, decorative furnishings w/sharp points, clubs, lamps, ashtrays, etc., should be removed or secured
so that she can't grab them in the heat of anger. All these weapons & more, have been used in female assaults
on men.
Stay out of the kitchen
Knives & scissors are
weapons women commonly use in assaults. Boiling water or oil, hot grease, or kitchen implements are also leading candidates
for use against a man. The proverbial rolling pin or frying pan up side the head isn't a joke. Thus, if trouble is brewing
in the kitchen, move the argument out of there.
Take the discussion to
another room where weapons aren't so convenient. Do this quickly, try not to give her time to grab a knife
or other kitchen implement. If she goes back into the kitchen, leave the house. If possible, move the
discussion to the living room, den, or other area. Try to get her to sit down on a sofa or in a chair.
If she will sit down, her
partner should sit down as well. A male standing over her will appear threatening to her.
Avoid the bedroom
Straus and others
(1980) pointed out that the bedroom is the deadliest room in the home.
If she's drunk
or on drugs, the bedroom may bring up associations a man doesn't want to deal with. Don't go there!
If
there is the need to phone someone, phone neighbors, relatives, or friends if it is at all possible they can help. We suggest
911, or any other police telephone number, should be called only if there is clear and present danger and a man has no other
options. And cops don't get there instantly.
If
in imminent danger, a man is well advised to flee if possible.
By
the time police do arrive an angry woman often will have made up a story making it the man's fault. And the cops will buy
her story 9 times out of 10. Reams of data document the man is most often the one arrested and jailed.
If
the police are called and find probable cause, which is often loosely and subjectively defined, there is an 80-90% chance
the male present will be arrested whatever the evidence and circumstances.
Conversely,
if the male is not present, and there are no injuries or evidence of a fight, an arrest is unlikely.
Leave
If
violence is building, a man is well advised to get out of the house quickly, and spend the night in a motel, with a friend,
or even in his car.
An
escape plan should be prepared in advance if possible — a few items of clothing stored at a friend's house with some
cash, a printout of all credit card numbers, and bank account information.
If
possible, a man in this situation should establish a bank account in his own name, using a post office box as the address
though that will be used against him in a divorce.
If
there are children, he will also need copies of their birth certificates and their Social Security numbers.
A
biological father should take the kids with him if possible in these situations. But he should not hesitate to leave without
them because a man can't help his children if he is in jail.
If
the father can't take his children immediately, he could try to get them to quickly and quietly go to a friend's house after
he leaves if they are old enough to do that on their own.
If
he does manage to take the kids it is usually best to leave them with his parents or other close relatives if possible rather
than try and keep them with him.
Once
a man leaves his home in such circumstances there is a very good chance he will never get to return under today's laws. He,
and his children, will still be much better off if her violence is avoided and he is not arrested.
Family
finances
Family
finances are often a root cause of family violence and abuse. It makes more sense to educate the couple concerning money management
rather than making the man sit through 36 weeks of lectures on the evils of the patriarchy after his wife battered him.
Nor
is it of benefit to the man or woman to drain their already minimal treasury for the benefit of the domestic violence industry.
Mandatory
arrest is a failure
Top
Mandatory
arrest has been widely put in place as a panacea for the evils of domestic violence and the shortcomings of previous interventions.
Or, in police parlance, now "You call, we haul, that's all." And, with this approach, the police department, the
chief, and individual officers do not get sued for failure to act.
Colorado
Springs, Colorado, was one of seven cities where the effects of mandatory arrest were studied before its enactment into law
in 1994. There were four treatment conditions that were randomly chosen. On arrival the officer would radio back and be given
instructions to do one of the following:
1. Issue an emergency
restraining order and arrest the presumed offender, i.e., the male.
2. Issue an emergency
restraining order and provide immediate crisis counseling for the offender.
3. Issue an emergency
restraining order only.
4. Simply attempt to restore
order. Considered to be the "business as usual" option.
According
to Berk (1993, p. 330) "All the treatment conditions that included an emergency order of protection performed a little
better than trying to restore order alone, but arrest did not stand out as most effective."
Berk
and others (1992) also documented that in cases where the couple are not married and the male is unemployed, mandatory arrest
can increase the level of violence. With an increasing divorce rate, combined with couples who simply never marry,
the unmarried population is growing. While unemployment had been at very low levels since the mandatory arrest laws were passed,
with the current economic downturn we may be sitting on a time bomb.
We
have also looked at the measurable effects of mandatory arrest from Colorado Springs police reports for the years 1990-2002.
First, passage of the mandatory arrest laws in 1994 did not result in a giant leap in numbers of arrests. Instead,
as shown in Table 2, the major effect is a dramatic drop in the number of calls to 911 in domestic disturbances after 1994.
Mental
health and domestic violence
It
is becoming ever more evident that mental health conditions are involved in many cases of domestic violence and abuse. For
example, Dutton (1995, p. 140-155) and Gelles (1997, p. 80) have correlated borderline personality disorder (BPD) with domestic
violence. BPD affects an estimated 2% of the population and 75% of the diagnosed cases of this disorder are women.
Bipolar
disorder is also often linked with violent and irrational behavior. Though restoration of a person's lithium balance is well
known in the treatment of bipolar disorder, it is often not applied in dealing with domestic violence. In fact, many times
a person is jailed and denied their medications, making the problem worse.
The
same asinine approach has also been seen with agitated Alzheimer patients or caregivers.
Conversely,
some conditions are not subject to treatment. Where psychopaths are involved, and there are as many women as men in this category,
at best the present approach simply runs them through 36 weeks of counseling and encourages them to move on to their next
victim.
Testing
is now available to identify psychopaths and more rational management methods must be adopted. It is essential that both partners
be tested, as psychopaths are among the most manipulative and deceptive of humans.
Surveillance
methods as a defense
Surveillance
technology is both improving and becoming more affordable. While we are well aware of the potential for abuse of surveillance,
the level of threat many men and their children face justifies virtually any defense they can mount.
We
have been astonished at how frequently men are stalked by women and how difficult that is to prove. In such cases surveillance
methods may be of some use although it is very unlikely the monitors will provide evidence admissible in court. But the fact
that her actions are being recorded may be sufficient to deter some women. Surveillance is no deterrent to a psychotic of
either sex, however.
There
are basically three types of surveillance that can be done at reasonable cost and effort, audio, computer, and video. For
all three methods it is essential that the verifiable time and date be an integral part of the recordings.
A
private investigator may also be required, depending on the circumstances of the individual's case.
While
it is a felony to destroy evidence, if one's intimate partner, or stalker, can get her hands on the recordings she is very
likely to destroy them and the instruments without penalty. Thus, it is essential that the records be stored somewhere she
does not have access to such as a safe deposit box, a drawer at work, a friend's house, etc.
Calling
911 may make the situation worse
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Dangerous
Behavior Patterns
If we are to control domestic violence and abuse of men we must first recognize and define female archetypes
that are predictive of such behavior:
•
Violence prone women. A 'violence prone' woman is a woman who, while complaining that she is the innocent victim
of the malice and aggression of all other relationships in her life, is in fact a victim of her own violence and aggression.
Pizzey (1998) provides considerable evidence that such individuals form an addiction to violence early in life.
•
Abused as a child: A woman who was physically or sexually abused as a child, particularly during her teenage years,
is a likely candidate to be abusive as an adult. She will also know all the games to play, just who to call, and what to say
when the abuse begins.
•
A common warning sign is that a woman's partner can no longer do anything right. What had seemed like a caring, loving
person becomes an abusive, angry harpy who is critical of every action a man takes. She may also start to hit, push, or throw
things. Such personality changes may be symptoms of a medical or mental problem that proper treatment might cure or control.
•
She hits or throw things: It seems obvious, but it may just seem cute, or funny, or done in play. In one survey of
college students, 20% of men who had been attacked by their girlfriends thought it was simply funny. It isn't!
•
Women with drug or alcohol problems. By a "drug problem" we don't limit the term to illicit drugs. Women
who abuse prescription drugs, particularly anti-depressants, or even over-the-counter medications, can be dangerous. Such
habits often hide deeper-seated psychoses as well and the rate of recidivism is very high in such cases.
•
Eating disorders, lean and mean. It is hardly a secret that a great many women suffer from eating disorders. Bulimia
and anorexia appear to be of epidemic proportions in American females. For reasons of survival, humans are biologically programmed
to go out and kill when they are hungry. Eating disorders may also coexist with BPD.
•
Borderline personality disorder (BPD). Researchers, notably Dutton and Golant (1995, p. 140-155) and Gelles (1997,
p. 80), have found a positive correlation of BPD with perpetrators of domestic violence. People with BPD are estimated to
comprise ~2% of the general population; 10% of all mental health outpatients; 20% of psychiatric inpatients; 75% of those
diagnosed are women; and 75% of the sufferers of this condition have been physically or sexually abused.
•
Other mental illnesses. Bipolar disorder and manic depression, malignant narcissistic exhibitionism, attention deficit
disorder (ADD), and conditions involving abnormally low levels of serotonin are known to be associated with violent behavior.
Other brain/biochemical disorders and injuries are also known to play a significant role in precipitating violent behavior
in some individuals. Such disorders as Munchausen's syndrome by proxy, or post-partum depression have also made many headlines.
But this list is not inclusive.
•
Psychopaths. There appear to be three common indicators that a man is at lethal risk from a psychopathic partner:
paranoia, psychostimulants, and weapons. Pearson (1997, p. 97) lists the most consistent behaviors of psychopaths as: pathological
lying, short attention span, grandiosity, manipulativeness, recklessness, remorselessness, and an absence of fear. There is
no known treatment for psychopaths.
•
The change of life or perimenopause. About 10-15% of women suffer severe emotional or physical problems as they enter
perimenopause. The average age at which this begins is 43, though it may occur as young as age 35. A hysterectomy, or surgical
menopause, can also be associated with emotional problems including abusive and violent behavior.
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Other
Forms Of Female Aggression
Money
A
woman's aggression may take many forms besides hitting or throwing things. A common issue is money. Cash may start disappearing,
or she will run up credit card bills. Commonly, one day the man simply finds all their accounts have been drained and she
is nowhere in sight.
There
are also many reports of women filing a restraining order and then taking any available money or selling any belongings the
man is forced to leave in the "victims" possession.
Jealousy
Another
way a woman may attack a man is through jealousy. For example, she becomes insanely angry if he so much as speaks to another
woman.
Conversely,
she may begin flirtations with every male around her, and 'business trips,' or mini-vacations with her 'girlfriends' may become
a new feature of her life.
Violence
Prone Women
Pizzey
and Shapiro (1982) and Pizzey (2000) have recognized for many years that women are more violent in a domestic situation than
men. This categorization must be understood to exclude men and women with recognised personality disorders and, particularly,
men with criminal histories of violence who batter their women and children.
There
must also be a clear distinction made by the general public between "battering," and "family conflict" or
what Johnson (1995) refers to as "common couple violence." Family conflicts, for the most part, are not and must
not be the province of the law or the concern of society in general.
Thus,
the distinction must be made between:
•
Men and women who accidentally become involved with a violent partner and now wish to leave and to never return again.
•
Violence-prone individuals who, for deep psychological reasons of their own, seek out a violent relationship, or a series
of violent relationships, with no intention of leaving.
It
is essential to understand the differentiation between our use of the words battered and violence-prone
. For us, a battered person is the innocent victim of another person's violence; a violence-prone person
is the victim of their own addiction to violence. Note that gender is not a defining issue for battered or
violence-prone individuals.
Where
marital quarrelling involves pushing, shoving, kicking, throwing things and generally behaving like a terrorist, such 'orgasmic'
violent outbursts are largely ignored at present when they are done by women, but are taken seriously when they are perpetrated
by men.
Since,
in most cases, women control what happens behind the front door, children find themselves enslaved by violence-prone women
whose unpredictable and terrifying behaviour will dictate the children's lives until they are old enough to escape, if they
are lucky, or they are doomed to repeat the violence-prone pattern.
In
England, as well as other countries, most of the domestic violence seen is amongst what is called the "socially excluded.
" This is a very ironic title since most of the mothers in this catch all phrase have never been socially included so they
have never learned the basic rules of how to communicate without using violence. Calling on thirty years of living all over
the world and working with violent and dysfunctional families, Pizzey finds the worst damage is done when the mother of the
family is violent and dysfunctional.
Of
course it is a tragedy when the father is violent, but it is the mother, the central focus of a young child's life, who has
the most influence. When a mother batters, abuses and neglects her child, the primary pain of that rejection and abandonment
drives the child onwards, often in a massively destructive pattern for life.
Frequently
the violence-prone mother is unable to bond to her children. When this happens the children tend to become affectionless,
and unable to feel or to respond to normal human warmth and need for relationships.
In
cases of violent personality disorders, e.g., psychopaths, borderline personalities, and malignant narcissistic exhibitionists
there is no known cure. The suffering partner must recognize the need to leave that relationship as swiftly as possible and
move as far away as circumstances allow. Society must also ensure the symptoms of such personality disorders are widely taught
and to recognize that they occur as often in women as in men.
We
have to hold mothers and fathers equally responsible for the emotional and physical wellbeing of their children. The big lie
for the last thirty years is that it is fathers who are guilty of all violence and abuse in the family. There is no excuse
for this lie anymore.
The
bibliography produced by Fiebert (1997) and subsequent updates provide virtually irrefutable evidence that domestic violence
is a human problem, not a gender issue. That intimate partner violence is perpetrated essentially equally by both men and
women is one of the best established and replicated findings in the social sciences.
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