 
The need for: Control
No, this isn't so much about
how to control people as about their need for control. The real secret is the deep, deep need that people have for a sense of control. By managing their sense of control, you can achieve far greater actual control.
If you ignore this, you'll
soon fall into a power battle for control of
the conversation and the agenda.
Control is a deep, deep need
Perhaps the deepest need people have is for control. When we feel out of control,
we experience a powerful and uncomfortable tension between the need for control and the evidence of inadequate control.
One of the most
disturbing things about having a terminal illness, as those who unfortunately suffer from such afflictions will tell you, is the feeling
of powerlessness, of being unable to do anything about it.
Being unable to control the illness can be even more painful than impending death.
From an evolutionary standpoint, if we're in control of our environment, then we have a far better chance
of survival. Our deep subconscious mind thus gives us strong biochemical prods when we face some kind of danger (see Fight-or-Flight reaction).
Other needs that lead to a sense of control include:
Maslow revisited
Psychologist Abraham Maslow
defined a hierarchy of needs, w/the particular revelation that when lower level needs aren't met, then higher-level needs will be abandoned in favor of shoring up the deeper needs.
Take a look at the needs:
Notice how control is important within this and especially how, the lower you go, the more important control is. We work hard to control disease and our susceptibility
to it. Being ill gives a terrible sense of being out of control. Likewise for having a roof
over our head (or not) and even in our social environments.
Not control, just the sense
In fact, we don't actually
need to be in control all of the time. What we really seek is a sense of control.
When our parents or our managers
are controlling us, we can still be happy because we trust them to provide the control
we seek in our lives. In fact many people actively seek parent-figures in all walks of their life who will provide this control. When seek the advice of experts and obey those in authority, we're depending on them for our sense of control.
Control is embedded in much of what
we do
Look around and watch
what people do. A significant portion of our everyday activity is related to achieving our much-needed sense of control.
Rituals, for example, are everywhere. Why do we have them? They exist
to reassure people everything is as it was and to provide a familiar framework for our daily lives.
Social norms and values tell us what to do, what's right and wrong, what's good and bad. When everyone in the group follows the rules, we feel a
sense of control.
The control trap
There is a trap into which many sales people and other would-be persuaders fall. This pitfall is to try to hold tightly to the reins of control throughout the whole process.
Grabbing control causes resistance
When I grab control of the conversation, talking past the point when you want to reply, you'll get increasingly frustrated as you wait for a pause in which you can respond.
Sales people do this when
they insist on going thru the whole sales pitch even when the customer just wants to pay, take the product and leave.
Parents do it when they over-do
the lectures to their children. A point which is initially accepted is later rejected at what gets seen as unfair punishment.
Taking direct control of a conversation or situation doesn't persuade. It's possible that you get temporary compliance, but
you will not get true persuasion.
Fishing is a delicate game
The control
game is much like fly fishing. Pull to hard & the fish will slip the hook. Let it out too far & the line will snag
or the fish will swim away.
It's only thru a sometimes-long
process of give & take, you steadily reel in your fish.
So what?
So manage the other
person's sense of control by changing those things that make them certain, able to understand & predict the things around them. This can be done by making things uncertain & inconsistent.
Giving control to get control
Giving up control gets control in two ways. First, by choosing when, where & how
you give control, you still have hold of the reins. You have defined the cage in which the
other person can play.
Secondly, having allowed them
to exercise control, you can evoke the reciprocity principle, such that the other person will willingly give up control of the conversation to redress the social balance.
As someone said long ago,
'Give, in order that ye shall receive'.
Give them choice
When people exercise choice,
they're controlling their environment. So give them a choice, ensuring that whatever they
choose gives you an advantage.
One of the most common sales
closes is the alternative close, where you assume the other person is ready to buy and give them
a simple choice ('Do you want the red one or the yellow one.').
Don't give them too much choice,
because this makes the decision harder and can thus lead to a reduced sense of control.
Because we make our easiest decisions by contrasting two things at one time, the best number of options to give is
two.
Open questions
Closed questions don't give control. In fact
they can seem very controlling. Open questions give people the floor, letting them talk. This can be a scary
step and can indeed lose all control.
But you're the person who
asked the question, so choose the question well to contain their response and possibly even give you information.
Just having them talk is itself
a great persuader. When people talk about something themselves, they're far more likely to believe in it than if they just sit back and listen to you.
Give them something to do
The corollary of questioning
is to give them something active to do. Just like when they're talking, actively doing something, especially when they have
choice, gives a sense of control.
As with questioning, when
you're directing the action, you're still in overall control.
People often keep talking
because they're not sure that you've really understood what they've said.
When you reflect back to people what they have told you, you show them that you've heard, that they've been successful, that they've controlled their environment. This will speed the point at which they'll
give you back the talking stick.
10 differences between power and control?
1. Power is maintaining influence over the behavior, attitudes and feelings of others. Control is maintaining a check on the behavior, attitudes and feelings of one's self.
2. Power is exerting control over others. Control is exerting
control over one's self.
3. Power is the expression of commands, demands, directives, orders and requests as to how others are to act, think, behave, feel, believe. Control is the expression of commands, demands, directives, orders and requests as to
how I'm to act, think, behave, feel, believe.
4. Power is the attitude of strength, "one up," "on top," "number one," or "leader" projected to others in order to direct how they live their lives.
Control is the attitude of being strong, being on top of it, being in control, being self-led that one feels inside as he lives his life in his self-directed way.
5. Power can be a survival tool used to exist in a self-threatening environment to avoid being taken advantage of by others. The power response is to go on the offensive, take a position of strength, take the lead and direct others in the environment.
This can lead to over responsibility and feeling overly concerned for everyone's welfare. By taking the "power" role people try to ensure that others survive a threatening environment, but this exacts a major price emotionally, physically and spiritually from them.
Control can be a survival tool used to exist in a threatening environment. The control response is to go on the defensive and direct oneself so that it appears one isn't being taken advantage of by another.
It can also help one
to exist in and maintain sanity in a confusing environment. This can lead to a position of being too "self-contained" and "self-directed." The "over
control" phenomenon can result when it becomes difficult to "let go" of control over self.
This can result in
never loosening up enough to accept direction from others, be they teachers, employers, spouses, or authorized authorities and leaders.
6. Power is a vehicle by which people can become exempt from revealing personal feelings. They've risen to the top and the people below are refused entry into the "power type's" emotional life. This is a defense mechanism to avoid full emotional involvement.
Control is a vehicle by which
one can avoid revealing personal feelings because by maintaining self-control he submerges and hides how he's reacting to the emotional
stresses in life. One can close oneself off from others so successfully that the emotional side of life is kept hidden. A person who exerts self-control over his
emotions hides behind a "guard all" invisible shield; however, the lack of emotional self-disclosing takes a toll on the self-controller.
7. Power is often exerted by people who believe they have the "answers" but lack the patience for others in their lives to come a to consensus or agreement on what an appropriate course of action should be. The "power play" is using the position of authority or status to get your way with total disregard for the feelings or ideas of others.
Control is often exerted by
one who believes he has the "answers," yet also believes that no one in his environment will listen to him. The "control play" is the refusal to reveal any ideas, thoughts, emotions, attitudes, beliefs, or alternative problem solutions so as to avoid expected or anticipated rejection.
8. Power can be the mode of operation of people who believe that at one point in their lives they were taken advantage of and that'll never happen again. Actually, they're treating
others in as poor a fashion as they believe they were treated in the past.
Control can be the mode of
operation of one who believes that at one point in his life he was taken advantage of and that'll never happen again. By his emotional passivity he often incurs the wrath of others in his life who can't break through the "guard all" shield.
9. Power is the mode of operation of people who desire to make their beliefs of what reality is become the reality. They take charge in order to reorganize their existence to become the expression of
what they believes life should be. They take over to ensure that their "reality" becomes the "reality" of others.
Control is the mode of operation
of one who desires to make his beliefs of what reality is become his reality. He controls himself in order to retain his existence
as the expression of what he believes his life should be. He takes control of his life to ensure that his "reality" is the "reality"
for himself.
10. Power is ensuring that people get their way, even if manipulation, conning, lying, deceit and dishonesty need to be used. It may result in their eventually getting their way; it could also, however, result in their being exposed as
people who would do anything to get things their way, ultimately losing all power.
Control is ensuring
that one continues to see life his way, even if he needs to use self-manipulation, self-conning, lying to self, self deceit and dishonesty to self. It may result in the eventual maintenance of his own view of life; however, it could result in such deep self-deception that he no longer can perceive the difference between what's real and what isn't real.
What's the difference between physical and emotional power and control?
A. Physical power and control are:
- Attempts to exert
influence over the external things, persons and events of life.
- The external behavior that
revolves around how problems concerning issues, conflicts and mistakes are resolved in the outside world.
- The visible aftermath of
involvement in the handling of objects, materials, resources and personnel.
- Represented by symbols of
status, position and placement in the hierarchy of life.
- Clearly recognized by those upon whom they're being used.
B. Emotional power and control are:
- Attempts to influence inner
feelings, emotions, beliefs, attitudes, values and thoughts of others (power) or ourselves (control).
- The inner personal behavior
engaged in when individuals deal with issues, conflicts, or mistakes. The inner behavior can be oriented to others (power) or to self (control).
- The not so obvious aftermath
of involvement in the handling of objects, materials, resources and personnel where the emotions of others (power) or ourselves (control) are affected.
- Represented by symbols of
emotional suppression, depression, negativity, pessimism, low self-esteem, insecurity, discouragement in others (power) or in ourselves (control).
- Less clearly
recognized when they're used because they're used in manipulative ways on others (power) or on ourselves (control).
What are some typical beliefs of people who utilize power & control?
A. Beliefs of people utilizing physical power
- I'm the greatest!
- People should listen to me!
- People should respect me!
- I have the answer to everyone's
problems!
- There's no problem I can't
solve!
- Everyone around here is a
jerk!
- I'm the only one who knows
what's happening around here!
- They can't survive without
me!
- There's only one way to do
thing! My way!
- Might makes right!
B. Beliefs of people utilizing physical control
- Everyone is out to cheat
me!
- Don't trust anyone; they are all after something!
- Everyone is out to take advantage
of me!
- Everyone is jealous of what I have!
- Never let anyone in on your
business!
- It's nobody's business what
I'm doing!
- Never take a risk!
- You'll lose it all if you're
not careful!
- I worked hard to get where
I've gotten & no one is going to take it away from me!
- Don't let anyone know what
you're doing; they're bound to steal it if they know!
C. Beliefs of people utilizing emotional power
- There's only one way for
others in my life to think, feel or believe! My way!
- I've got to get them to see
things my way so they won't take advantage of me!
- If I'm open to their point of view they'll try to mislead me; I need to convert them to my way!
- Dump on them before they
dump on me!
- If I keep them busy enough
they'll ignore me!
- I'll always have to pay an
emotional price if I open myself up to others; keep them at an arm's length!
- It doesn't matter how they
feel or react as long as I maintain the emotional control in the meantime!
- My feelings come first!
- Take control of them before they take control of you!
- Everyone is out
to take advantage of everyone else, so the best defense is a good offense!
D.Beliefs of people utilizing emotional control
-
Don't trust anyone with your feelings, beliefs, or thoughts!
-
Everyone is out to rape me emotionally!
-
If I lose my control there will be no sanity in my house (or on the job, etc.)!
-
It's important to maintain control over your feelings so that you don't go insane!
-
Getting angry or losing your cool is bad for you!
-
Avoid conflict at all costs!
-
You should never let others know
how their behavior or actions affect you!
-
There's only one way to survive
a crazy environment, climb into your shell!
-
No one is ever going to get under
my skin again!
-
I'll never allow myself to get
hurt again!
What negative consequences result from overuse of power & control?
A. People who overuse power can:
Create
a barrier between themselves & others, always being "one up'' on the others.
Find
their designated "underlings'' resentful of being subjected to the "put down'' of the power people.
Effect
a revolt by those subjected to being ignored, blamed, accused, abused emotionally, neglected, or belittled.
Find
it difficult to establish mature adult relationships.
Become
socially isolated, often being seen as egotistical, obnoxious, poor sports & as people who want things
only their way.
Be
oblivious to the nonverbal feedback from others, isolating themselves all the more.
Believe that they're the center of their universe, eventually becoming so caught up in this
belief that they have a distorted perception of reality. They work hard at instituting this
perception in their sphere of influence, be it in a relationship, family, social group, at work, or in the community.
Believe that they're all knowing, infallible, all powerful, lacking the common sense to avoid problems, issues, or conflicts outside of their level of competence. Eventually they experience a setback or downfall
that can precipitate a crisis of major proportion.
Develop
a list of opponents or competitors whose major role in life is to bring about the downfall of the power person. Thru chronic competition for control, chronic fights and arguments, the power person's effectiveness and efficiency is hurt until, having little or no energy left to continue battling for control, the power person gives up.
Become
so busy defending themselves from others that they eventually lose contact with their own feelings and experience a sense of disassociation from themselves.
B. Over-controlling
people can:
Become
anxious working for anyone except for themselves, because they're experienced in maintaining
control in their early family lives in order to survive a chaotic environment, finding it
difficult to accept direction from others later.
Keep
their feelings hidden so well and for so long that others become frustrated leading to the others rejecting, becoming angry with, fighting with, attacking, nagging and complaining to them.
By
their passivity, affect those people in their lives who take a more active, open, emotional and verbal role in life. This can eventually lead to the controlling people being made the object of scorn, being blamed for all problems, being misjudged as to their intentions, being misunderstood and being seen as the "sick'' persons.
Find
it hard to understand other's reactions to their behavior. They often get confused about the behavior addressed at them, becoming overly sensitive to this feedback or become so insensitive that they avoid, reject, or ignore others.
Get
themselves into trouble because of their need to avoid conflict, avoid disapproving situations and avoid taking risks. The others in their lives respond opposite to the wishes of the controlling people. This results in increased conflict, increased disapproval, or the need to take new risks to resolve the problems.
Become
quiet or silent when arguments arise. This silence typically arouses the anger of the others who desire dialogue or confrontation. This can arouse a greater conflict than what the original issue deserves.
Become
the target of attacks from others for their lack of sharing, lack of openness, lack of communication, lack of emotional awareness, lack of warmth and caring, lack of support and lack of response. These attacks usually succeed in convincing the controlling people that they were
correct in controlling their lives and they escape deeper into their shells.
Be
so self-protective that they become social isolates, incapable of connecting with anyone in their lives.
Be
so caught up in denial that they're unable to solve problems. They lack the social competence and skills necessary to confront problems; therefore, they become overwhelmed by the very troubles which they deny exist.
Be
so defensive that it's impossible to have a mature adult relationship with them. They often give
the others in their lives so much power over themselves that they're in a permanent "one down'' position.
Steps to overcome your power and/or controlling behaviors
Step 1: Review
the material in this chapter. Answer the following questions in your journal:
Step 2: List specific problems you have experienced as
a result of the use of power/control.
The problems I experience:
-
In my relationships due to my power/control behavior include:
-
In my family due to my power/control behavior include:
-
On the job (or
at school) due to my power/control behavior include:
-
In the community due to my power/control behavior include:
Step 3: For each of the problems identified in Step 2, list the beliefs that account for your use of power/control:
Step
4: List each problem from Step 2 in priority order. Record the following
in your journal:
a. Identify the obstacles to resolving this problem
b. Use the irrational belief refutation model in Tools for Personal Growth,
to refute the beliefs leading to your use of power/control. List your replacement beliefs:
c. Using the problem-solving model in Tools for Relationships,
for each problem & detail a plan to implement realistic solutions.
d. Identify behavior,
beliefs, attitudes & feelings that need to be changed in order to resolve the problem. Take the steps necessary to experience change & growth.
Step
5: Use Step 4 on each problem identified in Step 3.
If after dealing with each problem
you still suffer with power &/or control issues, return to Step 1 & begin again.
Need to Control: A Self-Assessment
Directions: Review
the following reasons you may feel the need to control people, places and things in your life. Put an "X" next to those reasons usually true for you.
_ 1. If you control other people, they'll do what you want them to do.
_ 2. It's a way to keep everything orderly, precise and predictable, so that you
don't go crazy or insane.
_ 3. You hate to be out of control or to lose your control.
_ 4. If things don't go your way, then you feel you'll have to work harder or have to
struggle to reorganize and correct them.
_ 5. You have a hard time seeing people you care for hurting because their lives are out of control.
_ 6. You hate to have people see your true feelings especially if they are angry, unpleasant, or negative so you struggle to control them and keep them in so as not to upset others.
_ 7. You're on the watch for being taken advantage of by others.
_ 8. You're afraid of being manipulated or led into doing something you really don't want to do.
_ 9. When you see something or someone who needs to be fixed, you often step in.
_ 10. You came from a dysfunctional or crazy homelife and you have no desire to repeat it in your current homelife.
_ 11. You have an image, dream, or ideal of the way things are supposed to be and you work at trying to get it to be that way.
_12. You're afraid that if you don't take care of things, things will never get done.
_ 13. You feel if "you don't do it, then no one will."
_ 14. You're afraid that everything you have worked for will be lost, so you take control to ensure this doesn't happen.
_ 15. When you feel intimidated, you compensate by taking more control of the situation
_ 16.You find it difficult not to help when you're presented with a person or thing which
appears helpless and out of control.
_ 17. You tend to hold to an "it's my way or the highway" approach with people who don't
do what you want them to do. You hope this will ensure they change their bad behaviors.
_ 18. You're frightened, scared, or nervous when things seem to be crazy or out of control so your first impulse is to take charge.
_ 19. You want everybody in your immediate life to be happy and you'll do whatever it takes to make it so.
_ 20. You know how hard life can be on those who go into it unprepared and unaware, so you do whatever it takes to make sure the people you care for aren't taken advantage of.
Interpretation: If you checked 3 or more, you have a tendency to overcontrol the people, places and things in your life.
Control
Mechanisms: A Self-Assessment
DIRECTIONS: Here are some ways in which you control people to do for you the things you could do for yourself. Put an "X'' next to those behaviors usually true for you.
_1. You act helpless, incompetent, or lost.
_2. You make the other person feel very important &
essential in your life.
_3. You tell them reasons which are a lie why you couldn't
get things done.
_4. You feel self-pity & act out the belief that you've done everything for everyone in your life so it's your turn now to be taken care of.
_5. You act tense, anxious & stressed out & incapable
of caring for yourself.
_6. You resort to threats of suicide or self-destruction
to get others to care for you.
_7. You give others a set of conditions they must do
for you before you will give them acceptance, care, or approval.
_ 8. You
offer them rewards if they will do what you want done.
_9. You threaten others with withdrawal of attention,
support, affection, or approval if they don't do what you want done.
_10. You withhold your involvement, attention & concern
if they don't do what you want done.
_11 You play on their sympathy & concern by
being a pathetic martyr, overworked & unappreciated victim.
_12. You play on your physical or emotional illness, be
it real or perceived, to get them to do for you.
_13. You play on their need to be needed to get them to take care of you.
_14. You play up to their guilt & overresponsible nature
to get what you want.
_15. You act dependent in order to give the other a sense
of importance & value in helping you.
_16. You fall apart when faced with having to do something
which you'd rather not do.
_17. You play up to a person who has a need to fix things that things have gotten so "out of control'' for you.
_18. You promise to change or reform the behaviors the other wants you to change in order to get what you want out of the other, never meaning to change or reform.
_19. When you sense another person is pulling away
from you, you feign a problem or need which you believe will get that person involved with you again.
_20. You act as if you have forgotten to do something which
you know the other will do for you.
INTERPRETATION: If you checked 3 or more items, you overuse control mechanisms to get people to do what you could do for yourself. Now find out if others are controlling you to do things for them they could do for themselves. Go back & put an "X'' next to those statements true for people
in your life. If 3 or more are checked, then you're being overcontrolled by others to do for them what they could do for themselves.
Emotional Response: A Self-Assessment
DIRECTIONS: Here are some ways in which you could control your emotional response to life.
Put an "X'' next to the statements which are usually true for you.
__1. You allow yourself to be free, open, and expressive to the feelings you are experiencing at the moment.
__ 2. You usually
do not try to hide your feelings, be they positive or negative.
__ 3. You are usually
able to accept the consequences of others' response to your positive or negative feelings.
__ 4. You are able to freely express your anger, in an assertive confrontation mode with no raging, yelling, screaming, ranting, or raving at other people.
__ 5. You do not avoid
letting others know if you are angry with them and yet you don't blow your cool in the telling.
__ 6. You can show
enjoyment, excitement, and enthusiastic feelings when the event appropriately calls for such a response.
__ 7. You are able to openly cry and grieve a loss event in your life.
__ 8. You are able to do anger workouts over old, unresolved anger in your life so as to free yourself of the emotional burden and drain these repressed and unresolved feelings have on your emotional energy.
__ 9. You are able to express your violent rage and anger outbursts privately so that you can return to people in a more composed way to let
them know in a healthy assertive way how angry you are.
__10. You are able to analyze your emotions at the time and to see if they are congruent or in synch with your thinking and actions. If they are not, you are able to figure out why and what to do about it.
__11. You are able to not allow self-pity to be a driving force in your attitude about freely giving of your time and energy to accomplish what you want out of life.
__12. If people in your life are acting out of control, you are able to freely express your feelings of disappointment or disagreement and yet not get hooked into being out of control with
them.
__13. If you feel intimidated by another person, you
freely admit your feelings to yourself and choose not to let this person control the way you feel, think, or act.
__14. You are able to admit feeling powerless over those things out of your control to change, fix, or rescue.
__15. You are able to feel at ease and have serenity in letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life.
__16. You do not feel you are alone in having to deal with
the pressures of life because you feel you have a Higher Power to whom you can hand the uncontrollables and unchangeables
over which you feel powerless.
__17. You feel detached from the behaviors, actions,
and negative aspects of the people in life for whom you care a great deal and yet are not able to fix, rescue, or change.
__18. You are able to feel good about yourself with no guilt or remorse when you feel detached from the people with whom you have had toxic
relationships in the past.
__19. You do not let fantasies, dreams, traditions, or promises
of the way things are supposed to be interfere with your rationally experiencing life the way it really is.
__ 20. You have no
need to be invisible or on guard so as not to be vulnerable to feeling hurt or pain, because you feel it is better for you to be vulnerable in life to experience authentic human growth.
INTERPRETATION: If you checked 17 or less, then you need to work on control of your emotional
life so that you cease to use overcontrol of other people in your life to feel good about
yourself.
You need to handle your own feelings and not give others the power to affect the way you feel or express your feelings. Your feelings are something which you have the ability to control and change.
They, along with your thinking and actions, are the only controllables and changeables you can influence, alter, or change.
What is locus of control?
Locus of control means where you place the power to influence how you feel about yourself & others. It's important to determine if the locus of control is external or internal to figure out if you are susceptible to being controlled by others.
External Locus of Control
External locus of control is giving other people, places & things the power to influence your feelings about yourself.
External locus of control places approval, recognition, acceptance, reinforcement & affirmation of self-worth into the hands of other people, places & things.
Unless others approve, recognize, accept, reinforce, or affirm your worth, then you feel worthless, non-approved, unrecognized, not accepted & non-reinforced. This makes you susceptible to being
controlled by others' thinking, emotions & actions.
Internal Locus of Control:
Internal locus of control is giving yourself the power to influence your feelings about yourself.
Internal locus of control places self-approval, self-recognition, self-acceptance, self-reinforcement & self-affirmation of worth into your own hands.
In this way it's only up to you & your own efforts at self-love & care to feel worthwhile, valuable, competent, skillful, creative, knowledgeable & capable of living your life for yourself & not controlled by others. You're then fully responsible for your own thinking, emotions & actions in life.
Locus of control is a "power'' issue
Locus of control is a "power'' issue. If you give others power over you, you overemphasize external locus of control in your life. On the other hand, if you empower yourself, you emphasize internal locus of control in your life.
In order to handle the control issues in your life, it's better to emphasize internal locus of control so that you're able to let go of the need to control & change others & concentrate on controlling & changing yourself.
What are some myths & realities about control?
|
Myths |
Realities |
|
1. The more I exercise control on others, the more control I'll have in life. |
Because others are free to accept or reject your control, the resulting dynamic tension between the controller & controllee creates a circumstance in life which is more out of control than you first desired. The more you let go of control over others, the more control you'll have over your internal locus of control. |
|
2. I'm
not controlling people when I'm helping them or trying to fix things for them. |
You're controlling them, however, when you're fixing or helping them & they're not taking personal responsibility & control of their own lives as a result of your assistance. |
|
3. If
I manipulate others to do what I want them to do, this isn't controlling them. |
You're exercising them to do what you
want because they're not of their own free will deciding to do what it is you want them to do. |
|
4.
I'm not controlling others if they're unintentionally intimidated by me & go along with what I want them to do. |
If you're unintentionally placed
in an external locus of control position by others, they've put you in a position of power over them. You're in control over them even though you're not aware of this at the time. |
|
5. I
should be in control of everything that's important in my life. |
Unfortunately you're powerless to control most people, places & things in your life since you can only be fully in control of your internal locus of control & your own thoughts, emotions & actions. |
|
6. I
should hold onto & help the people in my life whom I see are having problems taking care of themselves in acceptable, self-responsible & self-controlling ways. |
The more you try to hold onto these
people, the harder they'll pull away or the weaker & more dependent on you they'll become. It's better to become emotionally detached from their problems & let them solve them on their own so that they still can relate to you
in a free & open way. |
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7. Other
people will condemn me if I become detached from the people close to me. |
It makes no difference what others think about you. What's important is helping the people in your life to become more self-responsible & self-controlling of
their own lives. |
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8. I
should never let go of those things I'm trying to control & change because if I do I'd be considered a failure. |
Your struggle to control & change things outside of your internal locus of control is going to wear you down & possibly break you. You'll be healthier, happier & more in control of your life if you let go of the uncontrollables & unchangeables in your life. |
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9. If
I love someone, I should always be there of them even if they become a little dependent on me for a while. |
You're a person who could possibly love a person so much that you contribute to that person's inability to become self-responsible & in self-control of life.
In reality your love may make the person overdependent on you. Love is learning to let go of the uncontrollable & unchangeable people in your life. |
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10. When
people are helpless, I should step in & take over to help them get on their feet. |
People might appear helpless to helpless to you but they often have inner reserves of competence, skills & ability to solve their own problems. If you take over
their problems for them, this might disable them from being productive problem solvers & agents for their own change. By always taking over, you encourage their overdependence on you. |
|
11. When
things aren't going the way they should, I should take control of the situation to make it the way it's supposed to be. |
You're being irrationally led by your dreams, fantasies, tradition & promises of how life should be. In your idealism you can become so overcontrolling as to ensure opposite desired reality will occur |
|
12.
I should take care of things because they'll happen the way they're supposed to. |
A caretaker works hard at being
sure that everything is the way it's supposed to be for everyone. This overcontrolling behavior succeeds in disabling people who are being cared for & then things are never the way they're supposed to be. You never get what you really want when you're overcontrolling. |
Step
2: Identify how you overuse control in your life and identify the irrational reasons why you do this. In your journal review the reasons you checked why you control people, places and things and then identify what irrational, unhealthy thinking explains why this is so.
Step
3: Next identify how you control others to do for you what you could do for yourself. Identify in your journal the items you checked in Section II of this
Chapter and then identify the irrational, unhealthy thinking that explains why this is so.
Step
4: Next identify how others control you to do for them what they could do for themselves. Identify in your journal the items you checked for others in Section
II of this Chapter. Then identify your irrational and unhealthy thinking that allows you to let them control you in this way.
Step
5: Next identify how you control your emotional response to life. In your journal respond to the following questions which are based on your responses to
Section III of this Chapter.
A. How well do you control your emotional response to life?
B. How much power do you give to other persons, places and things to affect your thinking, feelings and actions?
C. How often are your feelings out of control? How does it make you feel to recognize your feelings are out of control?
D. What irrational thinking underlies the over or under-control of your emotional life?
Step
6: Next you need to determine where you currently place the locus of control in your life. To do this, respond to this inventory by putting an "X'' next to the statements which are usually true for
you.
_ A. You're able to maintain control of your belief in yourself as a good and worthwhile person despite what others tell you about yourself.
_ B. You accept and love yourself unconditionally at all times even in the midst of troubles, problems, failure and pressure.
_ C. You give no one but you the power to influence how you think, feel and act.
_ D. You don't need other people's approval, recognition and acceptance in order to believe in yourself as a good and worthy person.
_ E. Your self-esteem is strong enough that you rarely are emotionally affected by what people say to or about you.
_ F. You aren't affected emotionally about the response others give you when
you assertively let them know how you feel even if the feelings are angry or negative in nature.
_ G. You're able to openly assert your anger and negativity in a constructive way with others.
_ H. You aren't intimidated to say how you feel by the loss of approval or loss of acceptance from someone who might not like what you have to say.
_ I. You don't feel dependent financially, emotionally, or physically on any person other than yourself and thus feel free to speak freely and let others know what you think, feel or do.
_ J. You're able to openly admit when you have made an error or mistake or when you have experienced a failure in life.
If you were only able to check 7 or fewer of these items, your locus of control is more external than internal. If you had a healthy internal locus of control, you would've checked all but 1 or 2 of the items. If your locus of control is external, then you need to work at strengthening your belief in yourself by self-affirmations and self-esteem enhancement work. Begin to tell yourself:
A. I'm a good person who needs only my own approval, recognition and acceptance.
B. I accept and love myself unconditionally.
C. I'm a worthwhile person deserving to be respected and given a chance to succeed in life.
D. I'm a good person on my own.
E. I can make it on my own if I need to.
F. I'll work at controlling and changing only me and my outlook on life.
G. I'm the source of approval and recognition I need to succeed.
H. I think I can be less controlling of others.
I. I know I can be less controlling of others.
J. I know I'll be in more control of my own life.
Step
7: Next you need to rid yourself of the myths about control. You need to accept that the less control you exercise over other people, places and things the more control you'll have in your own life.
Step
8: You next need to work thru the next 14 chapters of this book.
Step 9: If you find you still are having problems with control issues after completing this entire book, return to Step 1 and begin again
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Why Men Think Women Want Control
by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.
Myth: Women want to control men.
Truth: Women want to contribute, improve and be included.
"Women just want to control men until we follow them around like little puppy
dogs."
"Women can't just leave a situation alone - they have to pick at it until we do what they want us to do."
"Women always have to have things their way, or they get upset."
"Women want to make men into wimps."
This is one of men's favorite complaints about women and one that women hate the most - that we're controlling and manipulative and all our efforts to work on the relationship or communicate our needs are thinly veiled attempts to control the man in our life. This myth about women is one
of the more difficult to dispel.
Here's what happens: Men see women trying to contribute or get organized or
plan or problem-solve and misinterpret it as our attempt to control them.
Remember - a woman's intention is usually not to control. Rather, it's to offer whatever she can, out of love, to you or to the relationship, whether it's in the form of organization, ideas, suggestions, alternatives and so forth.
When a man dismisses her offering as an attempt to dominate or control him, he's pushing away her love in one of its most fundamental expressions.
What do men get out of believing this myth?
-
Men get to hide the truth of how they're feeling or how they're doing.
Jack is having a difficult time in
his new job. It's a much more pressured environment than at his previous company and even after a few weeks, he still doesn't feel as if he fits in. Each night,
he arrives home from work exhausted and depressed, but when his wife, Ellen, asks him what's wrong, he doesn't really give her details or share what's happening. Instead,
he just mumbles something about having had a hard day at the office.
Ellen has known Jack since they were teenagers, so she's completely
aware of how stressed he is since he began working in his new position. As the weeks pass, she waits for Jack to open up and tell her more about his situation but her inquiries are only met with silence. Finally, she can't take it anymore and
one night after dinner, she broaches the subject:
"Jack, I know you're having a hard time with the new job and I've been thinking of some things that might help. My cousin Bill works in a big company with a similar corporate structure and I remember when
he first started it was hell for him. Maybe if you called and spoke to Bill you'd feel supported and calmer about the way things have been going. I was also thinking that if I took over driving the boys to soccer practice on the weekends, you'd have more time to work at home."
Ellen's heart is hurting for her husband and all she wants to do is help make things better, so she's surprised at his response:
"Jeez, Ellen, can't you just leave things alone?" Jack says angrily. "Do you have to be in charge of everything,
including how I do my job? You want to control my every move, don't you?"
What's happening here? Jack is misinterpreting Ellen's desire to contribute something valuable to his situation and to be included in his process as an attempt to control him.
Men get to feel like they're accomplishing things on their own. One of the most common complaints I receive from women about
men is that too often they leave their partner out of the decision-making process. "When he makes a decision
and doesn't mention it until it's done, I feel discounted, like I'm the camper and he's the counselor," one woman said to me. Since women hate feeling this way, we make an effort to include ourselves in what's going on with the man we love - we ask the questions, we offer advice. The problem occurs when a man misinterprets our interest and input as an attempt
to interfere or control him.
Women want to feel like a team with their partner. You're going to read this
over and over again throughout the book, because it's one of our biggest needs and issues. So when we inquire about what's going on with our mate, or offer our input, it's not because we want to control him, but because we want to be involved. We don't need to make the final decision all the time, but we'd like to be in the loop.
Unfortunately, a woman's need to be included directly clashes with the need some men have to "do it alone." It's as if men believe that receiving help or advice makes them less powerful. So men conveniently dismiss their partner's offer of help by blaming her for being controlling and then they get to do it alone and feel autonomous.
The Truth
Guys, please know that most of
us women have love at the top of our agenda, not control. If we see you hurting, we want to make it better. If we see you struggling with a problem, we want to help you find a solution. If we see you not
taking care of yourself, we want to offer our compassion and caring. If we see you feeling overwhelmed with worry, we want to be included so you know you're not alone. Why do we do all of this? Not because we want to control you, but because we love you!
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What are the negative effects of not maintaining self-control?
If you can't gain self-control in your life, you could:
- Focus all your attention
on trying to control, fix, or rescue other persons, places and things and divert your attention
from your own needs.
- Suffer the negative impact of your out of control behaviors such as alcoholism, chemical dependency, overeating, compulsive sex, addictive relationships, compulsive shopping, gambling, smoking, etc.
- Become deeply depressed and despondent over your weakness and inability to get your life into "check" or "balance."
- Prefer to be overly dependent on other helpers, caretakers, fixers and rescuers to give your life the control it needs.
- Fall prey to an overly perfectionistic
and idealistic belief system in which no matter how well you get things in order you see them as being imperfect and not good enough.
- Lose control over the emotional boundaries you need to maintain from becoming over enmeshed or controlled by others.
- Become lost as to where you
begin and end and where others in your life begin and end in relationship to you.
- Find yourself responding
to situations in your life either in an overly emotional and hysterical way or in a withdrawn, pulled-in and non-emotive way, with neither response being healthy or appropriate at the time.
- Find it impossible to become
detached from people, places, or things who are toxic or unhealthy for you.
- Find yourself in a state
of powerlessness to effect changes to get your life into moderation or balance.
- Fall into the trap of learned helplessness and convince yourself that you aren't capable of taking care of yourself and thus allow your life to get more and more out of control.
- Seek out caretakers, fixers,
or rescuers to help you solve your own problems and get your life under control.
- End up convinced that there's
no way you can get your life into balance because the amount of work, effort, energy and resources needed are too great an investment just for you when there are so many other people, places and things on which you could better
focus attention.
- Experience even lower self-esteem because of your inability to believe enough in your worth and value to take action to get your life into control.
How is self-control a control issue?
Self-control is a control issue because it is:
-
Keeping the "locus of control"
internal & removes the "locus of control" from the externals in your life.
-
Giving to yourself the power & control to have an impact on your personal destiny & fortunes.
-
Ensuring your focusing on what in life you have the ability
to change & control, namely yourself.
-
Not allowing yourself to fall into the trap of using manipulation or helplessness to get others to come to your rescue to fix or care for you.
-
Not needing a "fixer" or "caretaker" to help you determine your own future.
-
Not allowing survival behaviors to get in your way of reaching
out for support, intimacy & vulnerability from others in your life.
-
Exercising moderation in your emotional reaction to life so
that you're neither overcontrolled or undercontrolled in the expression of your feelings.
-
Accepting responsibility for your own actions, feelings, thoughts & life & giving power to yourself to accept the consequences for all of these.
-
The lack of needing anyone else to "fix," "rescue" or be a caretaker for you in order for you to be successful in your life.
-
Being aware of people who are trying to control or exert power over you & you take the steps to change this.
-
The exercising of your control
& power over those things, people, or places to which you have a compulsive or addictive attraction so as to put them into a moderate or abstaining relationship with you.
- The realistic & rational exercise of power & control in your life.
What irrational thinking leads you to not exercise self-control?
-
There is no sense in trying to gain control over this, since I'm going
to fail at it anyway.
-
There is no way I will ever be able to gain control over my behaviors.
-
I'd rather have others do it for me.
-
I prefer to have others monitor my behaviors and make me suffer negative
consequences when I falter.
-
If I no longer need them in my life to assist me gain control of myself,
then they no longer will be interested in me.
-
If I become too independent and in control, I'll be unappealing to them.
-
I've never been parented in a healthy way and it's my turn now to get parented.
-
I'm never going to grow up; it's too boring.
-
I'm young yet so why do I need to act old?
-
They'll just have to put up with me the way I am.
-
I was like this before you met me and you knew who I was then, so don't
try to change me now.
-
I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities involved in being an adult.
-
If they want me to change, then they'll have to work hard to make this
happen.
-
I like myself just the way I am.
-
There is too much to change so why try?
-
Why do I always have to do it for myself? Why can't others, just once,
do it for me?
-
It's so much easier to know what others need to do for themselves than
it is for yourself.
-
I've never had any luck in the past in controlling these behaviors so why
should I expect to do better now?
-
I hate trying to take charge of my life. It is always so tough and I never
feel good when I do it.
-
Loneliness is the major result of self-control and it keeps me from working
harder on self growth.
-
I'd rather be "sick'' than lonely.
-
All this "centering on self'' stuff is absurd and nobody I know really
does it so why should I?
-
I'm so addicted I could never change.
-
If you can't be 100% successful in changing, then why try in the first
place?
-
I hate myself so much for being weak, how could I ever make it straight?
-
Giving up my old behaviors would change me so much that nobody would ever
like me.
-
I can't live with it but I can't live without it.
-
My anxiety and frustration get worse when I try to control myself.
-
I enjoy what I'm doing. Why stop now when I'm having fun?
-
No one is going to tell me what I have to do with my life.
How you can develop self-control
In order to develop self-control you need to take the following steps.
First: You first need to identify in
what areas of your life you need to gain more self-control. Review the following life
arenas and identify any issues you may need to take control of.
Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist
A. Personal life
___ (1) Balanced diet
___ (2) Unconditional acceptance and love of self
___ (3) Self-esteem recovery
___ (4)Compulsive and/or addictive
behaviors
-
___ (a) Eating
-
___ (b) Shopping
-
___ (c) Cleaning
-
___ (d) Alcohol
-
___ (e) Drugs
-
___ (f) Gambling
-
___ (g) Sex
-
___ (h) Smoking (nicotine)
-
___ (i) Relationships
-
___ (j) Sugar
-
___ (k) Crisis oriented activity
-
___ (l) Excessive activity
-
___ (m) Body image
-
___ (n) Exercise
-
___ (o) Obsessive behaviors
B. Relationships with
fixers, helpers, caretakers, and enablers
___ (1) Overdependency on others
___ (2) Manipulation of others
___ (3) Helplessness
___ (4) Over enmeshment
___ (5) Lack of emotional boundaries
___ (6) Overuse of survival behaviors
C. Relationships with needy people
___ (1) Need to fix
___ (2) Use of intimidation
___ (3) Powerlessness to control them
___ (4) Dealing with threat of suicide
___ (5) Over idealism
___ (6) Need to be a caretaker
___ (7) Unconditional acceptance and love of others
___ (8) Establishing emotional boundaries
___ (9) Handling anger or resentment
D. Work/school life
___ (1) Time management
___ (2) Stress management
___ (3) Workaholism
___ (4) Fear of success
___ (5) Assertiveness
___ (6) Self-image as worker and/or student
___ (7) Self recognition of accomplishments
___ (8) Handling perfectionism
E. Community life
___ (1) Need for support system
___ (2) Involvement with others
___ (3) Participation in clubs and activities
___ (4) Recreational and leisure participation
___ (5) Participation in an organized religion
___ (6) Handling competition
___ (7) Handling leadership
Second: Once you have identified the various issues in which you need to develop more self-control, then
you need to identify which emotions tend to lead you to be more out of control with these issues. Use the list of emotions
and feelings clusters to identify for each issue out of control which emotions or feelings tend to exacerbate the loss of
control.
Emotions which lead to being out of control
| Emotion |
Feeling cluster |
| Boredom |
listless, unoccupied, restless, uneasy, a need for novelty, change,
or excitement |
| Anger |
rage, hate, cheated, infuriated, spiteful, mean, mad, or envious |
| Guilt |
ashamed, miserable, remorse, blamed, distraught, or pain |
| Depression |
left out, ugly, empty, powerless, victimized, suffering, useless,
low, sad, helpless, discouraged, or troubled |
| Anxiety |
overstressed, out of control, nervous, overwhelmed, uneasy, tense,
pressured, panicked, troubled, confused, or shocked |
| Loneliness |
unwanted, unappreciated, left out, ignored, unloved, alone, hurt,
neglected, ugly, or rejected |
| Fear |
afraid, tense, anxious, nervous, weak, worried, skeptical, frightened,
threatened, panicked |
| Excitability |
eager, driven, energetic, capable, turned on, enthusiastic, motivated,
or clever |
| Comfort |
proud, refreshed, appreciated, satisfied, accomplished, useful, respected,
content, confident, full, calm, or relaxed |
| Happiness |
good, nice, glad, loved, pleased, wanted, wonderful, delighted, or
beautiful |
Third: Once you have identified what feelings and emotions tend to exacerbate your loss of control, next
identify what irrational beliefs lead to increased loss of control in each of these issues.
Fourth: Then you need to identify new, rational, reality based, healthy thinking which will lead to your gaining
control over these issues. Some self-affirmations are:
-
I can gain control over this.
-
I am capable of controlling myself.
-
I will take control of my behaviors.
-
I can succeed in containing my compulsive/addictive behaviors.
-
I am able to take one behavior at a time and keep it under control.
-
It took a long time for me to become this way and it will take time to
get it under control.
-
I am a human being and not a perfect being so if I relapse and lose control
it is OK as long as I get back on the wagon again.
-
I can be rational, realistic, and healthy in my thinking, emotions, and
actions.
-
Changing old behaviors takes effort, time, and a motivation to change and
I am willing to give all three of these to gain control of my life.
-
I am a capable, lovable person who deserves to let go of the uncontrolled
ways of my past so that I can grow, flourish, and be successful in my attempts to gain control in my life.
-
I am the one person in my life whom I can control and change and I choose
to do so.
-
There isn't any thought, feeling, or behavior of mine I can't gain control
over.
-
I will make time for the work to develop my self-control.
-
I will be a healthier person once I focus my efforts onto control of myself.
-
Between handing over to my Higher Power the uncontrollables and unchangeables
in my life and developing emotional detachment from the toxic relationships in my life, I will grow in self-control.
-
I will cease using manipulation, helplessness, and overreaction with the
people I am overdependent on.
-
I will establish healthy, emotional boundaries between me and the people
in my life.
-
I will cease trying to fix, rescue, enable, correct, or change the people
in my life.
-
I will gain emotional support for myself when my emotional state is contributing
to my behaviors getting out of control.
-
I will work at moderating my thinking, emotions and behaviors so that I
am able to have a balance in my life.
Step 5: Once you have identified healthy self-talk to help you through this time of gaining self-control, then you need
to identify positive actions or behaviors which will assist you to develop self-control in your life. Such behaviors or actions
are:
-
Stress reduction and relaxation work.
-
Self hypnosis.
-
Time management, planning, and scheduling.
-
An aerobic exercise program five to seven times a week.
-
A balanced diet.
-
Thought stopping.
-
Anger workout
-
Spirituality formation and enhancement.
-
Motivation enhancement exercises.
-
Development of an emotional support system.
-
Joining a self help group (AA, NA, GA, SEA, etc.).
-
Altering relationships with people, places, and things.
-
Creative problem solving.
-
Reading self help books.
-
Using the Tools for Coping Series books.
-
Keeping a personal journal.
-
Changing patterns or routines of daily life.
-
Self-affirmations work.
-
Inner child healing work.
-
Use of rational and realistic thinking.
-
Sublimating the urge to drink, eat, smoke, use drugs, have sex, shop, gamble,
or some other self-medicating behavior by handing it over to your Higher Power
-
Development of goals and objectives to be met on a daily, weekly, monthly,
yearly schedule with self monitoring of their achievement and refinement.
-
Permission to support system to "call you on it'' when you revert to old
patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving.
-
Avoiding settings which arouse negative emotions.
-
Diverting your attention from the old patterns of desires, temptations,
or urges.
-
Talking out feelings with a support person
-
Watching out for HALT situations which could lead to a relapse of out of
control behaviors if I am feeling out of sorts and too:
-
H - Hungry
-
A - Angry
-
L - Lonely
-
T - Tired
Sixth: Once you have identified the set of healthy actions which assist the development of self-control, then develop
a plan of action for each issue which is out of control for you.
Seventh: Once your plans of action are developed, implement them one at a time, taking one issue at a time to get under
control. To decide which issues to take first, prioritize the issues using the following scale.
-
Highest Priority This issue
is so out of control that your life is in danger.
-
High Priority This issue is
so out of control that your physical and mental health are in peril.
-
Average Priority This issue
is out of control and it affects your thinking and emotions so that you get compulsive or obsessive with it.
-
Slight Priority This issue
is out of control but it presents no current threat to my life, health, or actions.
Eighth: Once you have prioritized the issues to be worked on, then begin to implement the plans of action to get them
under your control.
Ninth: If after a time you find that you are still out of control, then return to first step and begin again.
Steps to developing self-control
Step 1: In order to develop
self-control in your life, you need to identify in your journal what issues in your life arenas are out of control for you. Use the
Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist in this Chapter to help you. As you identify the issues out of control for you, answer the following questions in your journal.
A. What are the compulsive
behaviors over which you need to develop more self-control? Why are these a problem for you? Which could be classified as addictive? Habit? Bad behavioral trait? Old pattern of acting?
B. How does your body or self-image contribute to your being out of control?
C. How does your obsessive
tendency affect your self-control?
D. How in control are your efforts at working on your recovery from low self-esteem?
E. Who are the fixers, enablers,
helpers, and caretakers, and rescuers in your life? How out of control are your relationships with
them? What control mechanisms do you use to keep them "hooked" into caring for you?
F. Who are the "needy" people in your life? What control mechanisms do you use to fix, save, change, or rescue them? How out of control are these efforts?
G. How in control of yourself are you on the job or at school? What are your behaviors which are out
of control there?
H. How in control are you in your community life? How obsessive or compulsive are you in your outside interests, clubs,
church, or hobbies?
I. How does your being from
a dysfunctional family explain why so much of your life is out of your control at present?
J. How does your current inactive
relationship with your Higher Power reflect how out of control your life has become? How
would getting a more active relationship with your Higher Power assist you to develop self-control?
Step 2: Once you have assessed
the state of your being out of control, then identify in your journal what emotions make you most vulnerable to being out of control on each issue listed in Step 1. Use the emotions which lead to being out of control in this chapter to help you identify the emotions which make
you vulnerable to being out of control..
Step 3: Once you have identified
the emotions which help keep you out of control, then identify in your journal the thinking that contributes to your lack of self-control.
Step 4: Identify in your journal
new self-talk which would encourage your efforts at developing self-control.
Step 5: Once new self-talk is identified, then proceed to identify in your journal behavioral strategies for gaining control
over each issue identified in Step 1. Use this outline to help you identify your plan of action.
Self-Control Action Planning Outline
Issue out
of control
Emotions which to lack of control with this issue
New Self-talk on this issue
New behavioral strategy to use with
this issue
Step 6: Develop an action plan in your journal for each out of control issue in your life
Step 7: Decide which issues are the highest priority needing your attention and record this in your journal.
Step 8: Implement your plans of action for your priority issues first. Then proceed with the other issues identified in Step 1 until they all have been
addressed.
Step 9: If you are still thinking, feeling, or behaving out of control, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again.
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