Minimizing, Denying & Blaming
- Making light of the abuse
- Not taking her concerns seriously
- Denying that the abuse occurred: A personal note about my situation: When I reported my
police officer husband to his superiors concerning the fact that he was physically, verbally and emotionally abusing me and
my children - they told me that there was nothing they could do. He denied everything of course.
After we separated and he was living next door to me with
my best friend, he continued to mentally abuse me by quitting his job and not giving me any support. He had already done this
a few months previously to me, but he wanted to come back and make our marriage work.
I came home early from work one day to find him in bed in
my apartment with my best friend who lived directly next door to me. He continued to control and abuse his power over me by
not giving me any support the entire time - over one year - when I was never the bread winner, I had a new car that he had
wanted me to buy and I had been forced to send my two girls from a previous marriage from Michigan to Florida to live with
their father because I couldn't afford them all.
He worked, collecting money under the table for my ex-friend
in her personal business. She was able to hide the fact that he was working for her.
- Saying that she caused the
abuse: A personal note about my situation: It was always my fault that
he was abusing me.
- Blaming an outside event or situation for the abuse (loss of employment, drugs or alcohol, an argument, etc.): A personal
note about my situation: In the beginning of our relationship, he bought me a new car. Then, he
bought me a new refrigerator, microwave and other new things for the house. (a new bed for us and one for the kids)
Before long, he owed so many monthly payments that his paycheck wouldn't cover all the
expenses. He had never asked me for money, I just contributed. I was a waitress. Soon, he was asking me for all the money
I made. Still, we couldn't make ends meet. It was my fault though. He kept telling me it was my fault. He told me to call
my father to borrow money to pay off the bills. He told me we would pay him back.
We never paid my dad back. He didn't want to pay my dad back. He never intended from
the "get go" to pay him back. But having all those bills was my fault and the fact that he couldn't pay for it all... that
was my fault too.
He had credit card bills that were thousands of dollars from when we were dating and
from all the flowers, dozens of roses he had sent me at work and charged - as well as his previous marriage. That was my fault
too.
From then on he took control of all the money. I had to give him my entire paycheck and
he made me think we were totally broke. He had actually started his own secret bank account to use when he was romancing women
while we were married.
Intimidation
- Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
- Smashing things
- Destroying property
- Destroying her personal belongings
- Abusing pets
- Displaying weapons
- Hiding or destroying important
papers (passports, ID cards, health care cards, etc.)
- Threatening to “out” the other person
- Driving recklessly
Emotional Abuse
- Putting her down
- Lying about her immigration
status
- Making her feel bad about herself: A personal note about my situation: My police officer
husband told me he would love me more if I could lose 10 more pounds.
- Making her think that she's crazy
- Playing mind games: A personal note about my situation: I was so fooled by him that I thought we
were dirt poor. I was afraid to ask for money for tampons & would often make my own pads from toilet paper because he
humiliated me every time I needed money.
- Humiliating her
- Making her feel guilty or responsible for the abuse
- Constantly criticizing her
parenting skills
- Focusing on her insecurities, such as her weight or education level
- Encouraging the children to participate in the belittling of their mother
- Lying to her
- Cheating on her: A personal
note about my situation: I was in a 7-Eleven convenience store once where the clerk smiled at me
at the counter when I was paying for coffee. He said, "Hey! I know who you are! You're that cop's wife, the one that works
at night! I feel so bad for you!"
I asked him why. He said, "You always bring your husband dinner, you and your kids, and when
you leave, he goes somewhere and then he comes back with a woman in his front seat and they park out front. He always has
different women with him. I'm sorry for you lady."
Isolation
- Controlling what activities she is involved in
- Limiting who she sees & talks to
- Using jealousy to justify the isolation
- Not allowing her to drive
or have access to a vehicle
- Not allowing her to learn
English
- Isolating her from friends & family
- Moving away from friends
& family
- Not allowing her to have
contact with people who speak her language
- Threatening friends or family members so that they may be reluctant to have contact with her
Using Children
- Making her feel guilty about the children
- Criticizing her parenting
skills
- Refusing to pay child support
- Using children to relay messages
- Using visitation to harass
her
- Threatening to take the children away
- Threatening to move out of the country with the children
- Threatening to call CPS or INS
- Threatening to harm the children
- Teaching the children to
disrespect their mother
- Constantly undermining her
authority with the children
- Physically abusing the children
- Not taking proper care of
the children during visitation
Using Male Privilege
- Treating her like a servant
- Making all of the decisions
for the family
- Being the one to define both
men’s & women’s roles
- Expected to be treated with a level of respect that he doesn't return
- Quoting sources such as the
Bible to justify his actions
Economic Abuse
- Preventing her from getting
or keeping a job
- Making her ask for money
- Taking all of her money
- Giving her an allowance
- Making her account for every penny that she spends
- Not letting her have access
to the family income
- Acquiring great amounts of
debt
- Refusing to pay child support
- Not allowing her to complete
job training classes
- Forcing her to do illegal
work
Sexual Abuse
- Forcing her to engage in
sexual activity
- Refusing to wear a condom
- Withholding sexual attention
from her
- Forcing her into pornography
- Forcing her into prostitution
- Making her feel guilty if she doesn't want to have sex
- Normalizing the abuse, which can be especially confusing if it's the victim’s first sexual relationship
Using Physical Violence
- Pushing
- Slapping
- Pulling hair
- Kicking
- Punching
- Grabbing
- Using weapons: A personal note about my situation: I had experience with abusive husbands
that collected knives mostly. I was married to an abusive police officer who had a gun. I wasn't afraid that he would shoot
me though. I was afraid that I would have to shoot him to protect myself or my children from a physical assault.
I found that the abuser would always show me the knives. It
seemed like he always had a knife in his pocket. He would always clean & polish his knives. It was a constant reminder
that he always had a weapon with him.
Once when I was driving the car & was stopped at a red
light, he took his knife out of his pocket and cut the strap of my tshirt at the shoulder so there was nothing to hold my
shirt up on that side. He smiled at me, hoping that he intimidated me. It was truly creepy.
- Not allowing her sleep
- Not allowing her access to
medical attention
- Not allowing her access to
medication
- Not allowing her access to
food
- Strangulation: A personal
note about my situation: One of my abusive husbands used to always touch my throat when he wasn't
being abusive to remind me that he would choke me if I made him angry or upset with me.
Once when I was camping with my children, he showed up at
the campsite, drunk & ended up pouring gasoline on my campfire. He caught the container on fire because he held it up
over the flames to closely.
He threw the container that was "on fire" as he was also because
his hair and shirt sleeves had caught on fire from the gas flowing out of the can - into the woods. The trees surrounding
my campsite caught on fire.
When all the people camping around me saw the flames they
began running over with blankets to stop the flames. The police, camp rangers & fire department showed up.
When he saw them coming he ran over to me and began to strangle
me right there in the middle of all the commotion. I think he thought that everyone was too busy trying to put out the fire
to notice what he was doing. The police saw it & a park ranger as well, and they pulled him off of me.
He refused medical treatment and slowly made his way to his
open trunk where he had taken the gasoline can from. There was a filet knife in there that he used for fishing over 12" long.
He threw it at me when no one was looking and I screamed out. The police took him away then. He always wanted to strangle
me though.
- Hurting her while she's pregnant: A personal note about my situation: My abusive husband
sent me to the hospital when I was four months pregnant. I almost lost the baby. I was 37 at that time in my last pregnancy.
He was trying to take the television out of the house because he was leaving. It was my television, of course. He had already
broken down the kitchen door, broken several house windows & shoved the kitchen range into me, forcing me into a spot
that I couldn't get out of.
It was the last time he was able to hurt me while I was pregnant.
The previous pregnancy I was high risk. I was having trouble with that pregnancy as well. I kept going into pre-term labor.
He was getting restless with all my trips to the hospital. We weren't married yet. I was reluctant.
One day he came up to my apartment and told me that he knew
why I was having so many problems. He told me that he had herpes and that he had probably given it to me. I was devastated.
I didn't have a car, so I immediately got on a bus with my 8 year old son & went to my doctor's office at the high risk
clinic in the hospital.
I asked my doctor if it could be possible that this was my
problem for all the pre-term labor, was there a test I could take to find out if he had given herpes to me, and lots of other
questions. I was all worked up in a panic. My blood pressure was sky high. She had me lay down on my side because my pressure
was so high. Luckily I had escaped the herpes. It was all the stress I was under that was causing the pre-term labor.
A survivor's story...
kathleen howe
I honestly believe that many of you who are experiencing abuse
of some kind, might not realize the depth of your experience. Verbal, mental, sexual & financial abuse is subtle. It's
lying there beneath the surface. It's abnormal behavior that seems normal.
I didn't know what normal was. I lived my whole lifetime exposed to one
kind of abuse or another, being abused as well throughout the years. My parents didn't even realize what abuse was. They were
abused as well, unknowingly. They did what they knew how to do. They didn't know how damaging it all was.
Did they know it was wrong? Yes, some of it they knew was wrong because
it didn't feel right in their heart, but that wasn't a strong enough feeling to break the habitual nature of the abusive behaviors
that was so "ingrained" into their beings.
The abuse of power was in their parental control of their children, in
my case, me - my sister & brother as well. Each of experiencing our own misery in different ways because each of us represented
a different kind of pain within my mother & father.
We each represented something that was negative in my mother's life. I was the "expected" duty of the good
wife in the late 50's. My mother was expected to hurry up and get pregnant after marrying my father, her high school sweetheart,
right after high school.
Because of my birth, my mother only went to college a very short time, learning basic secretarial skills.
She did learn shorthand which was invaluable to her throughout her career, but I knew that she truly felt that her life had
been ruined through motherhood.
She said it to me. She said it to me when I got pregnant at sixteen years
old. I was miserable because I knew that my parents didn't care about me. I didn't know if they loved me or not. I thought
it was love by duty, not unconditional drop dead wonderful love that having a child needed to be about. She loved me because
I was her daughter. She loved me stoically. She loved me silently without telling me or showing me through hugs, caresses
and protection.
She had told me, "I won't let you ruin your life by having this child."
She forced me to abort. It was the most damaging traumatic experience that I encountered before the age of twenty. There were
other traumatizing experiences, but this one hurt me the most.
My sister, the youngest of us three kids spent hours wailing in her crib
because my mother really couldn't cope with another baby that she didn't want. Two had been enough. Two was all that was expected
from her as the generation had figured was normal or acceptable. She had even lucked out by having one girl and one boy. But
my sister, "an accident" was duped as the child that was tolerated only because she had to be. "Let her cry, it's good for
her lungs."
It caused my time in the house to feel depressing. It caused me internal
distress, hearing those pitiful wails. I saw the tears streaming down my sister's fat little cheeks. She was miserable, she
was needy of love, she needed nurturing, but she was being ignored. Even as a five year old, I knew it was wrong. I had to
push her cries out of my mind and my heart. It was the beginning of "not feeling" what I was feeling.
When it was all happening
to me, I didn't know it. I was oblivious. As a teenager, I knew I was so unhappy, but I didn't know that it was all
from abuse. Being married, to a man that I really didn't love, being forced into another abortion a few weeks after our wedding...
more abuse... I thought that it was just the way it was.
I had been raised as a child believing
in fairy tales, happily every afters, prince charming and I was realizing in a numb, unhappy exisistence that life
wasn't happily ever after. It just was. It took me years of more abuse, to realize that something wasn't right.
I was always self medicating
with food, alcohol, sex... but it never quite took the pain away. I needed to be loved. I needed unconditional love,
but I never got it. The one place I would have received unconditional love from, the Lord, of course, had been erased from
my life by more negative experiences in my lifetime. It had been taken away from me.
I was never given any life skills. I was never raised to be self-sufficient.
I was never told that I could have a career. My father used his power over me to tell me that I wasn't allowed to go to college.
Women were supposed to get married and have children. He laughed at me, he humiliated me. He told me that I would never amount
to anything... but I didn't realize it - my whole life - that I was fulfilling this self defeating prophecy. I was acting
the way he told me I had to. I was unhappy with it, but I did it anyway.
Men had complete power
over me. I avoided my mother because she had power over me as well. I loved her. I truly loved her, but she cast me
out everytime I needed her for support. I quit asking or expecting it to happen. I became numb to needing my mother. I realized
I was alone, but I blocked it out. I realized that I was helpless & powerless.
Not realizing this at the time;
I made some poor decisions. I self medicated. I invited more abuse into my life by allowing it to happen in the first
place. I exposed my children to step father abuse. I didn't protect them. I couldn't. I was lost. I was numb, getting drunk
in self medicating the pain of it all. I was increasingly more and more depressed. I was developing sleep disorders. My eating
disorder was escalating.
But... I will tell you in big bold letters!!! I didn't know it while it was happening. I wanted to be loved. I kept trying harder to do whatever my husband
wanted. I allowed him to lead me around by my heartstrings, abuse me, mistreat me, humiliate me, intimidate me, control me
and use his power against me to force me to do things that I didn't really want to do.
That power caused me more pain that I just internalized,
but I didn't realize it. I had been so naive. I was suddenly 30 some odd years old & didn't
know that there was welfare. I was married to a police officer and I didn't know that there were domestic violence shelters.
He wanted it to be that way.
I let his power make me do things that I would never have done otherwise,
and those things have caused me to feel very badly about myself. I began to live in survival mode. I took money out of
petty cash at work to buy tampons, pads, or small necessities because my husband wouldn't let me have the money
for them. He told me we were broke. He took my check every Friday. I just had to make due at the grocery store every
week, feeding five of us on $50.00.
Things got worse. Believe
me... I lived in domestic violence shelter for over one year of my life. I was running for my life. I want you to know that
I understand how miserable you are if you're in an abusive relationship. I know exactly how you feel. I know because I was
you.
But I want you to know
that the power and control that is over you now, is causing you to block everything that's important - out! You can't realize how horrible this is. You can't realize what's wrong and right anymore. You don't know
that you're experiencing mental illness along with the domestic violence. You don't know that your mind is being injured as
well as your body, your soul and your heart.
Your children are being wounded for life. You are allowing
it & you are setting them up for a life of the same thing you are experiencing right now.
If you've made it to a shelter,
you won't learn this stuff. You won't learn what you need to learn to make it alone without the abusive husband. You
need to get help! You need to teach yourself if you can't get out. You need to go to a library if you don't have a computer
at home and keep coming back to this network of sites and studying it all to see what's really happening in your life.
I'm screaming this
out to you!!!! Abused women, pay attention, you need to hear this.... You are living
under some abusive person's power and control. It's wrong. It's causing you to be numb. It's causing you to self medicate.
It's causing you to live a miserable - out of body life. You can see it all happening when you close your eyes. You can't
escape it.
Maybe you're sitting on your front
step, naked, being thrown out of your home, like I was, by a police officer, my husband at the time, totally naked.
Maybe your husband is taking your paycheck and depositing it into a secret account like mine did. Maybe you're getting degraded,
demeaned, insulted, humiliated, intimidated and getting used to it; like that behavior is normal behavior that every wife
experiences!
I'm screaming to you now!!! Listen
to me!!!! Get out! Leave your abusive situation for good. Don't go back. Get under your own power and control.
Learn how to take care of yourself and your children. You can do it!
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What is powerlessness?
Powerlessness is the:
Sensation of being out of control with no apparent solution to help you to regain control.
Complete lack of control, authority, or status to affect how others will treat or act towards you.
Lack of capability to affect the realities of life out of your control like:
-
how others act
towards you
-
if you'll get
a job you want
-
If you'll be accepted to a school you desire to attend
-
what the weather
will be
-
if an accident
will occur
-
if an act of
God will affect you or others, etc.
Lack of ability
-
to affect or
change the compulsive or addictive behaviors of others which affect you negatively.
-
to make
others exactly what you want them to be.
-
to change past events which have had a negative impact in your current life.
-
to insure that
all of your dreams & fantasies for the way you want life to be will come true in reality.
-
to completely
change things you've attempted repeatedly to change with no success.
Presence of impulsive, addictive, compulsive & obsessive behaviors in you which
Lack of strength, competence, or skills to overcome realities in life that have no current apparent solution, such
as
-
the cure for
AIDS & cancer
-
complete recovery
from cerebral palsy
-
bringing back
to life a loved one who has died, etc.
Recognition that there are for you
-
people,
-
problems &
-
things that are
What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal powerlessness?
If you don't accept powerlessness over the uncontrollables & unchangeables in your life, then you could:
Begin to frustrate yourself in your attempts to gain control & to fix the non-fixable.
Become extremely
rigid & dogmatic in your handling of life's problems believing that there is "only one way'' to do things, the "perfect" way.
Deny the enormity of the things which you don't have power to change & become locked into "fantasy'' or "magical thinking" that given enough time, energy & resources you can succeed in changing them.
Become so full of self-pride
as to believe that only you can be the "savior'' for the ills or problems you're facing.
Become so self-preoccupied
that you become incapable of reaching out to ask for others' help & support in facing these problems which are beyond your power & control.
Deny the existence of a Higher Power in your life upon whom you can call for help & assistance.
Lose your faith in the capability of human beings to help out a fellow human who is in need of help & support.
Become so frustrated & depressed in trying to solve the unsolvable problems that you find your temper, anger & rage igniting & flaring up spontaneously, inappropriately & disproportionately.
Feel so defeated by the non-fixable realities of life that you come to believe yourself an inadequate person.
Forget that you're
a human being & as such open to failures & mistakes & not the "perfect being'' who is omnipotent & infallible in all things.
Cling onto the
people whom you can't control or change until they one day walk out on you frustrated by your incessant efforts to change, correct, or reform them.
Lose perspective
of your own limits & not be self-protective of your energy, resources & spirit in your incessant effort to solve the unsolvable.
Increase in a
sense of low self-esteem because you're incapable of making everything right & perfect with all people, places & things in your life.
It gives you the ability to
retain the "locus of control'' in your hands because you have the right to accept or reject, to reach out or to pull in from others' offers of help.
You're capable of seeking help & support from others to fortify your efforts in this regard, by recognizing that you have addictive,
impulsive, compulsive, or obsessive behavioral patterns which you're "powerless'' to control or fix on your own.
You recognize the need of
the strength & assistance of a Higher Power with whom you can share the solving of your overpowering problems, by letting
go of the "pride'' of survivorship that says that "only you'' can solve your own problems, no matter how big they are.
In so doing you give credibility
& validity to the belief that there are issues in your life that no matter how long & how much you control them you'll never gain full power over because they inevitably will happen.
Such items as death, taxes,
weather, climatic changes, acts of God, are just a few of those things you'll never be able to control & thus you're powerless to change.
It's a first step in accepting help for any problems which are stronger than you & are resistant to efforts to correct.
It's the inviting of
others into your life to support your need to correct a problem.
It's a behavior similar to
"helplessness'' but yet qualitatively different because helplessness is really a guise for maintaining control over others.
It's an honest appraisal of how much control or power you have over problems, situations, people, places, or things.
In recognizing that there's a Higher Power who has a role in your life, you're able to put into a healthy perspective how much energy,
resources, personal investment, emotional & physical effort & time you need to contribute to the partnership with your Higher Power to face those problems over which you by yourself are powerless.
You don't like to admit you
can't control something on your own & yet unless you do so you'll continue to knock your head against a brick wall.
What is the irrational
thinking that leads to denial of powerlessness?
Here are some examples
of irrational thinking that leads you to deny powerlessness over the out of control people, places, things, and personal behaviors in your life:
You must be able
to have control over everything in your life. It's a sign of weakness to admit your inability to control or change things.
You should be
able to solve your own problems on your own. What would people think if you reached out for help to deal with the aspects
of your life which are out of control?
You should be
able to work things out on your own, once you realize what the problem is. There's no problem too great that it can't be solved.
God never gives you a problem too great that you can't handle it on your own.
You're a real "wimp''
or "wuss'' if you can't deal with it on your own.
People are able
to handle everything in life. That's why they were given intelligence, creativity and imagination.
It's a sign of
moral weakness if you aren't able to get your impulsive, addictive, compulsive, or obsessive behaviors under control.
You're a "bad person''
if you're powerless to change your behaviors on your own.
You aren't supposed
to ask for help from others when you're dealing with your weak character flaws.
When you ask for help,
you always become dependent on others to solve your problems for you.
Certain behaviors
have a genetic basis and it is best to ignore them so that they don't occur in your life. Ignore your problems & they'll
go away.
An impulse is
an easy thing to get under control. You're morally weak if you have an addictive behavior problem.
The only way
to change sick behaviors is to work at it on your own. If you don't face your problems, they don't exist for the moment.
Admitting you're
a human being when facing problems is admitting defeat. You should be able to handle every challenge in your life on your own.
How to learn to admit powerlessness
When you're troubled by personal
behaviors or by uncontrollable and unchangeable people, places, things and situations in your life, you can follow these steps
so as to admit your powerlessness over them to enable you to get help from others to deal with them.
First: Identify what
behavior, person, place, thing, or situation is causing you problems and making your life unmanageable.
Second: Identify what it is
about this problem that makes you feel powerless.
Third: Identify what irrational beliefs keeps you from admitting being powerless over the problem.
Fourth: Replace this irrational thinking with healthy, rational, more realistic thinking about powerlessness such as the following positive self-affirmations.
I'm a human being and deserve support from others in my efforts to address problems over which I currently feel powerless.
I deserve support and help to address these problems for my self-growth.
It's human to feel powerless since only God is all powerful & omnipotent.
I'll get closer to recovery from my problems once I admit my inability to solve them on my own.
It's OK to feel powerlessness over my problems as long as I reach out to my Higher Power & others for assistance and support.
I can solve problems that come my way as long as I'm willing
to admit my inability to solve them on my own and seek help to deal with them
I gain more in life by letting go of control over those things that are out of my power to control.
I gain serenity in life by admitting what I'm powerless to change and control.
I'm a human and not God & that's OK.
Help is only given to those who ask for it.
I can reach out for help when I'm powerless to solve a problem on my own.
I'll seek help from my Higher Power
and others when I feel powerless to solve a problem on my own.
Fifth: Once you've affirmed your right to admit powerlessness over the problem, then reach out to others to seek their support and assistance.
Sixth: Simultaneous with reaching
out for help from others to deal with the problem, seek your Higher Power's assistance by the following:
Handing over the uncontrollable
and unchangeable elements of the problem to your Higher Power.
Asking your Higher Power for
the strength, wisdom and courage to deal with the controllable and changeable elements of the problem.
Seventh: Once you gain help
and support from others and your Higher Power, conscientiously and assiduously take steps to address the changeable elements which you have the power and ability to change.
Eighth: Recognize that progress will be slow and erratic at first in changing personal behaviors of an impulsive, addictive, compulsive, or obsessive nature. Give yourself enough time to change, taking one day at a time.
Ninth: Admit to yourself that,
in changing personal behaviors or habits, relapse into the old behaviors is a fact of life. Give yourself permission to be a human and
to experience a relapse into old behavior and then get back onto the wagon of recovery. Don't end your efforts to change if you should experience a slippage into old patterns or habits of acting. Don't seek perfection in recovery. Admit that you aren't a "perfect being" and that you don't have to recover perfectly all at one time.
Tenth: Monitor your progress
in solving your problem and handling relapses of old behaviors. Try not to take on more than you can handle by remembering:
Take one thing at a time.
Step by step.
Easy does it.
First things first.
Day by day.
Hour by hour.
Minute by minute.
Progress is slow but steady.
You're the determiner of pace.
You're in charge of your destiny.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
It took a long time to get you into this
and it'll take a long time to get out.
Eleventh: If you're again
overwhelmed by your efforts to solve this problem, admit your powerlessness and gain support and assistance to persist and not give up your efforts.
Twelfth: If you're not experiencing
success in solving this problem, the chances are you haven't fully admitted your powerlessness to change, control, or solve it on your own. Return to the first step and begin over again.
Steps to admitting powerlessness
Step 1: In order to
admit powerlessness, you first need to recognize what is causing your life to be unmanageable. Consider this following list:
Things that cause one's life to become unmanageable because the person is powerless over them:
-
People
-
Places
-
Things
-
Situations
-
Personal behaviors:
-
Impulsive behaviors a thing you do right away with no pre-thought or hesitation.
-
Addictive behaviors a thing you do with no thought at all which is a habit and out of control.
-
Compulsive behaviors a thing you do with little thought, over and over again and it is hard to control.
-
Obsessive behaviors a thing you do over and over again because you don't believe it is perfectly done unless
it is corrected and modified over and over again.
In your journal for each of the categories listed above consider these questions:
A. What is problematical about it?
B. Why is it problematical for you?
C. Why is it causing your life to be unmanageable?
D. What efforts have you used in the past or are you currently trying to use to
correct it?
E. Why have your efforts to solve, change or control failed to this point?
F. How do you feel about your lack of success at solving, controlling, or changing
it?
G. Whose help, assistance, or support have you enlisted to solve it?
H. To what extent is it an uncontrollable or unchangeable element in your life?
I. To what extent is it a controllable or changeable element in your life?
J. Why have you not let go of the unchangeable or uncontrollable elements of it
before this time?
Step 2: Once
you identify your problems, then identify in your journal the thinking which still keeps you from admitting you are powerless
to solve each one of these on your own.
Step 3: In your journal
develop a set of new self-talk or self-affirmations to give you permission to admit your powerlessness over each of these
problems.
Step 4: In your journal
identify for each problem a person from whom to seek support, assistance, and help to address it.
Step 5: In your journal
identify how you would seek your Higher Power's assistance for each problem.
Step 6: Seek help from
others for each problem. Let go or hand over the uncontrollable and unchangeable problems to your Higher Power and seek assistance
from your Higher Power for the controllable and changeable elements.
Step 7: Monitor your
progress in addressing these problems. If you are having little or no success, you probably have not fully admitted powerlessness
over solving them on your own, so return to Step 1 and begin again.
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What is helplessness?
Helplessness is the:
Learned behavior by which you have been able to ``hook'' people
into caring for and nurturing you.
Attention getting, as a vehicle by which you were able to get your
ignoring or neglecting caretakers in the past to pay attention to you.
Sympathy provoking, by a composite of physical illness, academic
problems, failures, work problems, and relationship troubles which have drawn the attention, support, and caring for you from
other people, places, and things.
Manipulative tool, a vehicle by which you have manipulated people,
places, and things to allow you to remain overdependent on them.
False sense of incompetence, by making others believe that you lack
the competence, intellect, skills, and abilities to handle your own problems.
Fear of success driven, mask behind which you hide your fear of success so that others are convinced that you can't succeed when in reality you are afraid of succeeding.
Lack of self-trust, inability to establish a sense of trust in yourself
so that you can open yourself up to be vulnerable to hurt and failure by taking a risk to "do for'' yourself rather than to
rely on others to "do it'' for you.
Locked into little boy''
or "little girl'' mask which has gained you a lot of approval in your adult life but it is not a helpful coping mechanism
to deal with the problematic realities of life.
Refusal to "grow up'' and be an adult because then you would be
held responsible for the outcome of your life which responsibility you desire to avoid for fear of failure.
Mask for the anger and rage you have inside of you for being expected
to be mature, personally responsible, and self-approving in your adult life when in your child life you feel you were too
neglected, ignored, and non-approved and now want others to do for you what you need to do for yourself.
Diverting attention, use of humor, entertaining, and mascot behaviors
diverts attention from the need for you to take personal responsibility for your own life.
Sympathy provoking, acting out in a way which draws others' sympathy
and compassion but in reality is a manipulative ploy to get them to do for you what you don't want to do for yourself.
What are the negative effects of helplessness?
If you continue to function in a helpless way, then you could
experience these factors in your life:
Treated as disabled, since you could become disabled by other people's
attitude towards you because they do not believe you are capable of doing anything on your own.
Overdependency oriented, since you become overdependent on caretakers
to help you to overcome the negative impact of your problems.
Seen as incompetent, since you convince yourself that you are indeed
as incapable as you project yourself to others.
Fear of success driven, since you fear stepping out on your own,
to pursue anything that you are convinced you are not capable of handling on your own.
Miserable existence and lose your potential to have a happy and
content existence convinced that there are forces in the world always trying to handicap and keep you down
Impairs self-esteem, and you become convinced that no matter how
hard you try to do things you are never "good enough'' to succeed.
Victim role, and become locked into a "victim'' mold of existence
always needing a "rescuer'' to help you to overcome the negative impact of the negative "perpetrators'' in your life.
Atrophying skills, since you find that your inherent competencies,
skills, and abilities wither and atrophy from non-use.
Locked in the "yes, but'' attitude whenever you are being presented
with viable alternatives and solutions to your problems so much so that you drive people away from wanting to help you in
the future because of your pessimistic or fatalistic outlook on your problems and the frustration they experience in having
you reject all of their offers of help, advice, and support.
Found to be a fraud, and figured out by others as a person who doesn't
want to become self-sufficient and independent and it could be recognized that your asking for help is simply a ploy to control
them to keep them from choosing to leave you alone to solve your own problem.
Unappealing to healthy people, because you project an image of being
frail, weak, and non-confident, thus making yourself unappealing to people who desire to have a mature adult relationship
with you.
"Hook'' "caretakers'' and "fixers'' to take care of you and you could run through a series of new ones in turn after you have been dropped by "recovering''
persons who see you for what you are.
Overly depressed and despondent because you run out of people to
"take care of you'' and despair because you are in reality no longer competent to take care of yourself.
Low self-esteem becomes
more exacerbated as you continue to believe and put out the myth of being helpless to care for yourself.
How is helplessness a control issue?
Acting helpless is a control issue because you experience these
realities:
Looks like other have control over you, by your helpless acting
you look as if you are willing to transfer the "locus of control'' from your hands into the hands of others when in reality
you are in control of those people who think they have this control over you. It is a form of controlling others even
when they don't believe they are being controlled. (After all, how can a "helpless'' person be a controller?)
Learned behavior by which you have gained attention and the ability
to control the efforts and energy of others on your behalf.
Mask of helplessness by which you are able to manipulate others to "fix,'' "rescue'' or care for you when in fact you have the resources to do so for yourself.
Power position whenever you run across an "addicted fixer'' or "caretaker,'' or "addicted'' rescuer or enabler because you meet their needs and can almost dictate the extent to which they can help
you to avoid taking personal responsibility for your own life.
Mask of powerless, it appears out of control and powerless, when in reality it is a manipulative ploy to gain power and control over others' thinking, feeling and actions.
Physically debilitating when you are willing to let go of control
over your physical well-being even if it means you become physically sick to the point of chronically ill in order to get
people to attend and care for you.
Extremely overcontrolling, when you can resort to intimidation,
coercion, or suicidal threats and gestures if people are not responsive to your claims of being helpless.
"Survival'' technique by which you were able to survive by controlling
the environment, situation, people, or things in the past which were a threat to you and your existence.
Dramatic ploy which you have learned so well that you can call upon
it whenever you feel you are losing control or power over someone who is threatening to ``detach'' from or ``let go'' of you.
Self deceiving role, since you can get so lost in the mask and belief
of your helplessness that you no longer take control over your own life and hand over this power to others in your life.
Sells self short, since you have stopped exercising your right to
care for yourself so much that you are locked into selling yourself short so that you can depend on others to take control
of your life and needs.
What irrational thinking leads to helplessness?
-
If I am no longer
in need of others help or support, then how will anybody ever find me appealing enough to be loved & cared for?
-
There is no way
I'll ever be able to get myself out of this mess.
-
How would I know
since nobody ever told me?
-
I don't know
how to do what I need to do for myself because I was never taught this.
-
I don't have
the ability to be supportive of your feelings since I don't know how I feel nor can I identify my feelings.
-
How can I be
supportive of your feelings when I'm so overwhelmed in my own problems?
-
If people hadn't
abandoned me, then I would've been able to solve these problems.
-
People are basically
selfish & they don't care about you.
-
People will only
show interest in you when you are sick, in grief, hurting, or perceived as a failure or loser.
-
The only time
people give me attention is when I'm not capable of helping myself.
-
Since no one
really cares about me when I'm healthy, then I must only be worth something when I'm sick or in trouble.
-
No matter what
I do, I'll be abandoned anyway so why should I change?
-
I'm damned if
I do & damned if I don't, so why should I try?
-
If they really
loved & cared about me, they would do it for me.
-
I've never been
able to do it before so what makes them think I can do it now?
-
I'm a weak, frail,
human person & people can't expect me to get strong overnight.
-
I've only been
in my recovery program for such a short time. How can you expect me to start doing for myself yet?
-
Don't pressure
me to change. I become immobilized under pressure.
How to overcome helplessness
In order for you to reduce
your sense of helplessness & to begin to become more self-sufficient, competent & self-confident, you need to try
to do the following self-help activities.
First: Identify those problems,
obstacles, fears, or issues over which you feel helpless & identify what beliefs keep you locked into being helpless for
each one.
Second: Develop a new belief
system that encourages you to recognize that being independent, competent, self-confident & capable of helping, "fixing''
& changing yourself is healthy, desirable & necessary for you.
Third: Learn what "normal''
coping behaviors are from others who are in a healthier place than yourself.
Fourth: Practice healthy coping,
problem-solving, fear-desensitizing & conflict-resolving behaviors.
Fifth: Build on your successes
at being an independent, free-standing self-helper, self-coper & self-healer.
Sixth: Remember that success
breeds success & be sure to reinforce yourself for all of your successes even if they be small ones.
Seventh: Accept that relapse
is part of the recovery process & get back with your program of self-help if you should slip or fall back to your old
mold of helplessness.
Eighth: Call upon your Higher
Power to give you the courage, strength & persistence necessary to gain self-sufficiency to cope with your life.
Ninth: Give permission to
your network of support to "call you on'' any lapses back into a "helpless'' mode of being.
Tenth: When you get angry
about "always having to do it on your own,'' do anger workouts to ventilate these emotions which are traps waiting to draw
you back into your old attention-seeking, helpless role in life.
Eleventh: Parent your "inner
child'' by nurturing & self-loving self-scripts & allow your "inner child'' to grow to be a healthy adult by giving
it the freedom to make a mistake or fail in its attempts at self-help.
Twelfth: Develop a sense of
patience to accept that it takes time (an entire lifetime) to fully rid yourself of a sense of helplessness since it is often
such an ingrained, automatic habit of acting, thinking & feeling for you.
Thirteenth: Let go of your
perfectionistic need to be "healed perfectly'' since it traps you to give up if at first you don't do it exactly right.
Fourteenth: Emotionally detach
from all "fixers'' advice givers, rescuers & enablers in your life so as not to fall into their need for you to be helpless
in order for them to relate to you.
Fifteenth: Stop hiding behind
all your old excuses, beliefs & cliches about why you can't possibly help yourself.
Sixteenth: Have a farewell
party or wake for the "old you'' who was wrapped up in self-pity, self-doubt & self-abasement.
Seventeenth: Let go of that
"old you'' & as in any death grieve all of the losses involved in no longer benefiting from the old role of helplessness.
Eighteenth: Embrace the "new
you'' who is more self-competent, self-helping, self-healing, self-respecting, self-confident & self-enhancing & recognize
all of the healthy, normal, natural, beneficial consequences of living your life in this way.
Steps to overcoming helplessness
Step 1: You first need to identify in your journal the following.
A. With whom do
you usually function as a "helpless'' person?
B. What are the issues
involved with you & these people over which you're helpless?
C. How
would you define each of these people? Who are the fixers? The rescuers? The advice givers? The enablers? The caretakers? The gurus? The professional helpers upon whom you've become
emotionally dependent?
D.
What irrational, unhealthy beliefs keep you in your role of helplessness with each of these people & in each of the "helpless to overcome'' issues in your life?
E. Identify
why it's so difficult for you to accept personal responsibility for helping yourself to overcome each of the problems, fears, issues & conflicts over which you currently feel helpless.
F. Identify the benefits
to you of taking personal responsibility for helping yourself on your own & under your own power & control.
G. Identify
the negative effects for you of remaining helpless as you face your current problems, fears, conflicts & issues.
H. Identify
why your efforts in the past to overcome your sense of helplessness failed. What did you lose in your life when you became more capable of helping yourself?
I. What
are the benefits for you in remaining helpless in your current problems, fears, issues & conflicts?
J. Identify
which of your current relationships are based on your feeling helpless in it. How would these relationships change once you ceased acting, thinking & feeling helpless? How does the potential change in your current relationships keep you "hooked'' into remaining helpless?
Step 2: Once you have thoroughly assessed the state of your sense of helplessness, then you need to identify what you need in order to grow in the skills of self-coping, self-help & self-healing. To do this respond to the following.
Directions: In order to help yourself grow into a more self-sufficient, self-nurturing, self-healing &
self-confident person, you need more of the following self-help skills. Rate each skill on a 4 point scale.
-
0 = don't need more of since this skill you have plenty of & practice it most of the time.
-
1 = need a little more than you currently have since you're aware of the skill & at times practice it but you could benefit from more training & practice in it.
-
2 = need a great deal more than you currently have since you have a sketchy understanding of it & on a rare occasion have even tried it.
-
3 = an overwhelming need to learn about it to alter your feelings about it & to put it into practice since you have only heard of it & know nothing about it & have never practiced
it in your life.
0
1 2 3 (1) To honestly identify my feelings
0
1 2 3 (2) To identify other people's feelings
0
1 2 3 (3) To communicate openly & honestly
0
1 2 3 (4) To effectively
listen to others
0
1 2 3 (5) To respond
to others reflecting that I understand how they feel
0
1 2 3 (6) To problem
solve with others issues which arise in relationships
0
1 2 3 (7) To identify my thinking which is unhealthy or irrational & to develop alternative, more healthy thinking to overcome these beliefs which block my personal growth
0
1 2 3 (8) To affirm myself for all of my personal skills, abilities, talents,
competencies & other positive attributes
0
1 2 3 (9) To eliminate
guilt as a major motivator for my personal behavior
0
1 2 3 (10) To maintain
trust in myself to be there for me when I need me to be
0
1 2 3 (11) To overcome my sense of insecurity
0
1 2 3 (12) To allow myself to become vulnerable to the hurt & pain of failure, mistakes & loss in
order to grow
0
1 2 3 (13) To take
risks in life
0
1 2 3 (14) To nurture my "inner child'' in healthy ways
0
1 2 3 (15) To desensitize & overcome my fears
0
1 2 3 (16) To overcome my fear of failure
0
1 2 3 (17) To overcome my fear of success
0 1 2 3 (18) To reduce or eliminate my perfectionism
0
1 2 3 (19) To overcome my human pride, by accepting that there's nothing I can't accomplish as long as I have my Higher Power with me as my partner in life
0
1 2 3 (20) To practice patience by accepting that recovery is a life-long process
0
1 2 3 (21) To grow in a deepening & maturing spirituality with an emerging personal relationship
with my Higher Power
0
1 2 3 (22) To continuously accept personal responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings & actions & not put the blame on others
0
1 2 3 (23) To handle
the stress & anxiety in my life thru relaxation & self-healing
activities
0
1 2 3 (24) To take care of my own physical health thru proper nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc.
0
1 2 3 (25) To not use procrastination but rather utilize healthy time management techniques
0
1 2 3 (26) To take the steps to prevent burnout in my life
0
1 2 3 (27) To have a place, time & people in my life with whom to have fun &
enjoy myself
0
1 2 3 (28) To resolve
conflicts, disagreements & fights with others in a "win-win''
resolution
0
1 2 3 (29) To overcome my fear of rejection
0
1 2 3 (30) To reduce my need for approval from others
0 1 2 3 (31) To practice healthy, assertive behaviors in all of my relationships
0 1 2 3 (32) To eliminate the need to play "sick,'' "victim,'' or "martyr'' roles in my life
0 1 2 3 (33) To reduce competition in my interpersonal relationships
0 1 2 3 (34) To have healthy intimacy with others
0 1 2 3 (35) To set goals with the others with whom I have relationships
0 1 2 3 (36) To recognize when my relationships are based on reality rather than on fantasy or a dream of the way it could be
0 1 2
3 (37) To use forgiveness & forgetting in overcoming hurts in relationships
0 1 2 3 (38) To establish a healing environment with others when needed
0 1 2 3 (39) To help others recognize when they need help
0 1 2 3 (40) To recognize & accept the reality of losses in my life
0 1 2 3 (41) To reduce denial mechanisms from blocking my need to change
0 1 2 3 (42) To cease bargaining in my need to change
0 1 2 3 (43) To let go of the past & get on with the present
0 1 2 3 (44) To face & accept death as a reality of life
0 1 2 3 (45) To work my anger out in a healthy way
0 1 2 3 (46) To overcome depression
0 1 2
3 (47) To rid myself of hostility, sarcasm & cynicism
0 1 2 3 (48) To overcome pessimism & negativity
0 1 2 3 (49) To work out my resentment
0 1 2 3 (50) To stop jumping to negative assumptions
0 1 2 3 (51) To not stuff my anger in silent withdrawal
0 1 2 3 (52) To eliminate revenge as an unhealthy motivator
0 1 2
3 (53) To eliminate any rageful behaviors
0 1 2 3 (54) To reduce or stop self-destructive behaviors
0 1 2 3 (55) To overcome any irritations
0 1 2 3 (56) To eliminate passive aggressiveness
0 1 2 3 (57) To handle angry confrontations in a healthy way
0 1 2 3 (58) To emotionally detach from the toxic relationships in my life
0 1 2 3 (59) To not manipulate others to do for me what I can do for myself
0 1 2 3 (60) To give & accept healthy emotional support in my efforts at personal growth
___ TOTAL RATING
RATING INTERPRETATION
For further work on each of these self-help skills & behaviors, review
the Tools for Coping Series books by James J. Messina, Ph.D. The following items are found in the specific books of
the series:
Item
number
7-27
Tools for Personal Growth
28-39 Tools for Relationships
40-44 Tools for Handling Loss
45-57 Tools for Anger Work
58-60
Tools for Handling Control Issues
Step
3: Once you've determined the degree to which you are a self-helper, then you need to work at acquiring or increasing the self-help skills in which you're currently deficient.
This
can be done by utilizing all the Tools for Coping Series books written by James J. Messina, Ph.D. available on www.coping.org & thru participation in the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Program (The
SEA's Program) or some other form of support group or group therapy conducted by a counselor or therapist.
Step
4: As you grow in self-help skills, redefine yourself as a person in recovery from low self-esteem & a sense of helplessness. Utilize all of the tips to overcoming helplessness contained in this chapter.
Step 5: If, after an exhaustive effort at self-growth & self-healing,
you still feel helpless, then return to this chapter, re-read it & begin Step 1 over again.
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