What is intimidation?

Intimidation is:

• Threatening to use power or control to get others to do what you want them to do.

• Using coercion or force to get what you want from others.

• Making others feel like you're more powerful or forceful than what you really are.

• Wearing a mask of being "untouchable'' so that people keep an emotional distance from you & yet do for you what you desire.

• Using verbal & nonverbal cues to let others know you aren't going to reward any unfaithfulness to what you desire them to do for you.

• Using verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive behaviors to get people to "stay in line."

• Using physical size, stature & strength to get others to respect & obey you.

• Using punishments such as firing, poor evaluations, divorce, spanking, physical fights to get people to do what you want.

• Using quick temper, anger, or rage to get people to do what you want.

• Holding your knowledge, level of education, number of degrees over the heads of others to get them to listen to & obey you.

• Convincing others that you're the "only one" with enough experience, wisdom, intellect & insight to give direction or to have the "correct" answers to life's problems.

• Acting in such a way that no one would dare question or stand up to you over any of your decisions, opinions, or directives.

• Using your money, wealth, or status to put others into their place so that your power over them is secured & not questioned.

• Keeping others loyal to you by threats of pulling back your support, love, caring, interest, or approval of them.

• Using dictatorial, Gestapo, or autocratic behaviors to get people to do what you want.

• Unintentional verbal or nonverbal cues which put people on guard when they're with you.

What are the negative effects of intimidation?

If you continue to use intimidation to control others, then you'll:

• Find people developing emotional barriers in their relationships with you so that they're no longer vulnerable to being hurt by your control.

• Be at risk of being accused as being emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually abusive in your dealings with others.

• Find that the costs of "getting your way'' all of the time are greater than you expected when you find yourself lonely & disconnected from others.

• Believe that the only goal in life is succeeding in getting your way at any cost & become totally consumed in the pursuit of acquiring power, control, position & status.

• Run the risk of becoming a pathetic, lonely, isolated person with few close relationships & many enemies out to get their revenge against you.

• Experience a great deal of passive aggressiveness thrown your way by the people you're trying to control.

• Risk becoming more absolute & rigid in your exercise of power & control & become more defensive about any personal criticism of your actions or beliefs.

• Begin to prefer "rejecting'' people before they reject you & find yourself becoming increasingly socially isolated & alienated from others.

• Not be accepted, approved of or sought after by others who will never get a chance to see the "real you'' whom you've locked behind your intimidating mask.

• Feel like you're really a "teddy bear'' underneath it all & bemoan that people never take the time to get to know this side of you. You might even lie & say you don't care if they never get to know that side of you, even though emotionally you know differently.

• Run the risk of becoming more depressed as you become more isolated & find that your anger & rage flare ups increase.

• Experience even lower self-esteem due to the lack of acceptance by others.

How is intimidation a control issue?

Intimidation is a control issue because it:

• Places the "locus of control'' not "internally" on the person who is doing what you want them to do but "externally" on you the intimidator.

• Is an attempt to get others to do what you want them to do.

• Involves use of control strategies such as threats, pressure, power, force, or coercion.

• Gets others to do what you want not because they freely want to do it but because of your control over them.

• Uses the power of the fear of your rejection, disapproval & anger to get others to comply with your requests.

• Robs free choice & free will from those people whom you've intimidated.

• Makes others victims of your power & control needs.

• Doesn't always occur intentionally & can occur when a person gives you power & control to get what you want because they feel intimidated by your size, behavior, demeanor, anger, intellect, verbal skills, etc.

• Is a shifting of the power over oneself to being under the power of another, be it done intentionally or not.

• Weakens the will to survive in those who feel beaten down, abused & oppressed by the intimidator.

What irrational thinking leads to the use of intimidation of others?

• I will use whatever it takes to get them to obey me.

• No one will ever get away with showing a lack of respect for my position of authority, leadership & dominance.

• People should always do what I tell them no matter what.

• I would feel out of control & weak if people didn't always do what I wanted them to do.

• They owe me respect, obedience & compliance with all of my requests because I'm in charge of them.

• What I say goes around here. No if's, and's, or but's. You hear that!

• I know more than they do so they should listen to me & do what I tell them to do.

• They owe it to me. After all, look at all I have done for them.

• If they dare question or buck me on this, they will have to leave here.

• No one has a right around here to ignore me or my requests since I earn the money which they need.

• Just step out of line once & I'll knock your head off.

• People only respond to threats, coercion & power plays around here.

• I get more out of people when I get angry at them.

• As long as I am the strongest or most intelligent or the wealthiest around here, they'll do what I tell them to do.

• It takes too much time to get consensus or compromise, so as long as they do what I want we'll all be happy around here.

• They're sick people & I'm the only healthy one around here, so they should follow my advice & direction.

• They are non-informed, intellectually inferior & poorly educated, so they should listen to me.

• The only way to get things done is to ride them hard & long.

• You don't get anywhere by listening to other's opinions about what needs to be done since they'll disagree with what you want done & you'll have to force them to do what you want done anyway.

• There's no reason why I need to give them the freedom to do what they want to do. After all, what have they done for me?

What can you do to eliminate intimidating others?

First: If you're unclear if you're intimidating to others, then you first need to ask the people in your life if they find you intimidating.

Second: Once you're clear that you're intimidating either by feedback from the people in your life or by your experience of people reacting to you as if they were intimidated, then you need to identify what about you is intimidating.

To do this, make an inventory of your behaviors, attitudes, nonverbal cues, appearance to others, educational level, wealth, position of leadership, sexual attitudes, which are or may be intimidating to the people in your life.

Third: After you've identified your intimidating personal characteristics, then determine if you're intentionally or non-intentionally intimidating to the people you listed. It's important to be realistic with yourself that you can be intimidating to others even if you don't intend to be.

Fourth: Next, assess the negative impact & negative consequences of your intentional or non-intentional intimidation on the people you identified.

Fifth: After assessing the impact of your intimidating characteristics, you next need to assess what if any irrational, unhealthy & non-reality-based thinking & beliefs contribute to your intimidating others.

Sixth: Now identify healthy, rational & reality-based thinking which will contribute to the cessation of your need to intimidate the people you listed.

Steps to eliminate intimidating others

Step 1: In order to cease being intimidating to others, you first need to assess what you do, how you behave, who you are and what about you is intimidating. To do this, use the Intimidating Factors Inventory.

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 1

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which correctly identifies you.

• 1 = Never intimidating

• 2 = Rarely intimidating

• 3 = Frequently intimidating

• 4 = Almost always intimidating

• 5 = Always intimidating  

1  2   3  4  5  (1)    My loud gruff voice

1  2   3  4  5  (2)    My body size

1  2   3  4  5  (3)    My height

1  2   3  4  5  (4)    My sexual identity

1  2   3  4  5  (5)    My physical strength

1  2   3  4  5  (6)    My skin color

1  2   3  4  5  (7)    My highest educational achievement

1  2   3  4  5  (8)    The title of my profession or career

1  2   3  4  5  (9)    The title on my job

1  2   3  4  5  (10)    My salary

1  2   3  4  5  (11)    My financial worth

Step 1:   You need to first recognize if you're being or have been intimidated. In your journal, list examples from your past & present of the following.

A. When were you intimidated?

B. Who are the people who have in the past or currently do intimidate you?

C. Review the Intimidating Factors Inventory in this chapter & for each person who is an intimidator, identify the factors involved which were or are intimidating.

D. For each person's intimidating factors, you need to identify if they were intentional or non-intentional.

E.  For each person, identify how your being intimidated had or has affected your relationship w/the person.

F.  For each person identify the irrational, unhealthy & non-reality -based thinking of yours which has contributed to your allowing this person's "factors'' to intimidate you.

Step 2: Once you have determined the extent to which your irrational, unhealthy & non-reality-based thinking has contributed to your allowing each of the people in Step 1 to intimidate you, then in your journal do the following.

A. Identify new, healthy, rational & realistic beliefs & thinking to handle & respond to the intimidating factors of the person.

B. Identify new, healthy, assertive, rational & realistic behaviors you can now display with this person so as to reflect that you aren't as intimidated as you once were.

C. Identify contingency responses in case the person responds negatively to your assertive, non-intimidated behaviors.

D. Identify the negative or positive consequences of your new behaviors of assertion & non-intimidation with each person.

E.  Make a commitment with yourself to accept whatever the consequence might be for freeing yourself up from the intentional or non-intentional intimidation of this person.

Step 3:  Now you're ready to act in a new, less intimidated way w/each person. As you proceed, use positive self-talk of I am, I can, & I will to strengthen your desire to no longer be intimidated. Some examples are:

• I'm a good person & deserve better.
• Every person is a human being & I will not need to put people in a superhuman position over me.
• I'm deserving of the power over my own life.
• I'll take back the power over my life from people who intimidate me.
• No one can or will intimidate me.

Step 4: Monitor your progress at being assertive & non-intimidated w/people. If you fall back into the old way of responding, return to Step 1 & begin again.