What is manipulation?

Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:

• Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing initially to give it to you.

• Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or need for help for your own benefit.

• Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.

• "Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.

• Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or things.

• Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it "really is.''

• Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in reality you are actually feeling or acting in an "unacceptable" way for these people.

• Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the control and power.

• Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.

• Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.

• Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the problems alone.

• Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or changed.

• Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are yours alone.

• Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes wrong in your life.

Manipulative Behavior Inventory

Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your relationships with people in your life, mark yes.  

__ yes__ no (1) Play the victim

__ yes__ no (2) Play the martyr

__ yes__ no (3) Act helpless

__ yes__ no (4) Play stupid

__ yes__ no (5) Act incompetent

__ yes__ no (6) Act angry

__ yes__ no (7) Throw temper tantrums

__ yes __ no (8) Say "anything you want'' when you don't mean it

__ yes__ no (9) Act compliant when you don't want to

__ yes__ no (10) Lie about how you feel

__ yes__ no (11) Act lost

__ yes__no (12) Act suicidal

__ yes__no (13) Act hopeless and pathetic

__ yes__no (14) Act depressed

__ yes__no (15) Act befuddled or confused

__ yes__no (16) Tell stories or fabrications

__ yes__no (17) Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems

__ yes__no (18) Act as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided against one another

__yes__no (19) Act judgmental or shame people

__yes__no (20) Use guilt trips

__yes__no (21) Use ridicule

__yes__no (22) "Cry wolf''

__yes__no (23) "Looking good'' for the other

What are the negative effects of manipulation?

The negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are that:

• People will wake up to your "con job'' on them and be no longer willing to support, assist, or help out when you need them.

• You will become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and fantasies and slip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the difference between the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies.

• You will get caught up in the need to continue to manipulate and con because it is the only way people will respond to you since they won't be able to relate to you as a "real'' or authentic person because that side of you is rarely shown.

• People will find it difficult to fully trust you in the future and they will intentionally distance themselves from you for their own self-protection.

• You run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you will not be able to see the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling.

• People will be hurt by your behaviors because they will have opened themselves up to you by believing your "con job'' and then will be hit in the face by the reality of your scam on them.

• You run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger, resentment, revenge seeking, hatred, or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been manipulated, used and abused.

• You will use up enormous amounts of emotional energy in continuing your con of others and have little left to care for yourself.

• You will experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on and your con story line becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart the falsehood and dishonesty in your story.

• You will experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of your success up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.''

• Your low self-esteem will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to take pride in your hard honest work to become everything you were capable of becoming.

How is manipulation a control issue?

Manipulation is a control issue because:

It can be a "politically savvy'' tool to handle over-controlling, intimidating, and autocratic people, places, or things, by giving the impression that the others have the "power'' when in reality you are freely doing what you need to do in order to politically survive and thus retain the "locus of control'' in your own hands.

The goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do what you want them to do for you.

It is the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason, and rationality.

It uses control behaviors such as suicidal gestures to blackmail people to do and be for you the way you want them to be.

Sets up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your responsibility for yourself off on others, you will become more helpless so will seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers,'' and "rescuers'' to take care of you.

Hooks others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable factor in someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying to "be there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy or toxic for that person to continue to do so.

It involves dishonesty, deceit, use of masks, lack of clarity of messages sent, and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to be.

It can be a subtle use of control over others since you get them to do for you what they might not have freely chosen to do on their own will.

It is a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern of behavior, feeling or thinking.

Subversive means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of power and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated.

Power position since tt places the "manipulator'' in a power position in control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated.

"Survival'' technique which allows you to retain control of your life to ensure you that no one takes advantage of you.

Power struggle tool, since in any struggle for power and control it is a tool'' which is used to catch the other side off guard in order to win'' the contest.

What irrational thinking leads to use of manipulation?

• If you do not keep others hooked on being involved with you, you will end up being ignored, unaccepted, or unwanted.

• Use of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed in life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end.

• Use any means you need to "win'' since "winning'' is all that counts in life.

• Don't ever let others think they have the "upper hand'' on you so that they never can take advantage of you.

• It is always better to show the "perfect'' you to people than to let them see the "real'' you.

• There is a "sucker'' born every minute so if you work hard enough you can sucker someone into taking care of all of your needs.

• You can fool all of the people all of the time in order to get what you want out of them.

• You must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for you to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of, and accepted.

• You are most successful when you are able to "delegate'' to others what you need to be doing for yourself.

• If it works use it; worry about the consequences later.  

• Perception is reality, all that people are concerned about is their perception about things not the truth or underlying reality of the real situation.

Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships

Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life

Step 5:   In your journal now identify what new, healthier, more productive behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and issues.