   Narcissism Understood
By Melanie Tonia Evans
Sep 12,
2008
This information is a purposeful
broadcast.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is an unhealthy focus on self that affects others in unhealthy ways. Everyone to some extent is narcissistic. Most people
‘want the good stuff’ and from a psychological point of view: everything we do is for some emotional ‘payoff’
- in order to feel better about ourselves and life.
The definitive quality of healthy
narcissism is obtaining self-gratifying results in ways that don’t damage other people, whereas unhealthy narcissism works from the mindset: “I win, and I don’t care if you lose,” or, “Your
loss is my win.” Narcissism is self-absorption coupled with destructive behavior,
and is epidemic within society.
Many community forums report narcissism posts are increasing, thus more people are discovering, researching and asking questions about narcissism. This suggests a growing need for this information.
Narcissist Personality Disorder
is a Cluster B mental disorder, and is categorized in this cluster alongside others such as Histrionic Disorder and Borderline
Disorder (just to name a couple.)
Narcissism
is known to be a construction of a false self, and therefore the individual will exhibit behaviour that is pathological (not real)
in nature. I believe any individual who is not comfortable within their own skin - therefore disconnected from their ‘inner- peace - ’
can develop narcissistic characteristics.
How Do Individuals
Deal With Inner Pain and Emotional Insecurity
External factors such as race,
class, income status or religion place no importance as to whether or not an individual will be narcissistic.
It is an ‘inner-self’ issue.
There are three broad types of people living with inner pain and emotional
insecurity (which applies to the greater community):
The ones that wear a mask, ‘suffer in silence’ and don’t want to burden others,
The ones that wear a mask, and steal energy from the world to feel better,
and
The ones that take off the mask, take responsibility for their emotions, work on themselves and improve life ‘from the inside out.’
No-one
is perfect and this is totally understandable! However the damage of narcissism (point two)
is extremely evident.
I am astounded by how many women I meet who are in (or have had) relationships with men who are atypically
narcissistic. Please don’t mistake me as a feminist! There are also many females who are insecure, ‘creating
a mask’ and manipulating people (to their detriment) for their own self-benefit.
However, two essential facts stand out:
Genetically,
men tend to act out jealousy, insecurities and vengeance more violently than most women, and women will tend to act more co-dependently and hang onto
their dysfunctional partners (regardless of the damage) longer than most
men.
Statistically, women are at greater risk than men for narcissistic
abuse.
The Statistics Of Narcissism
There are no firm statistics available in regard to the frequency of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD). Psychologists state that 1% of the population is diagnosed with NPD, and that 75% of the
cases in therapy are men. This 1% statistic is gathered only from individuals diagnosed in therapy.
Most narcissists aren’t in therapy, and even if they are, may not be diagnosed
NPD. Psychologists freely admit this, as well as the frustration of working with NPD’s.
By definition, narcissists severely lack humility and will avoid admitting
there’s something wrong with them at all costs. Most narcissists in therapy are forced
by the courts, or have arrived for ‘other’ reasons such as alcoholism or a divorce. They usually don’t show
up to deal with ‘narcissistic’ behavior. If narcissism
is confronted, most narcissists will discredit the therapy and leave.
Authorities on narcissism estimate that up to 16% of society is severely narcissistic. This is almost 1 in every 6 people. I agree this is a much more accurate assessment.
What is frightening is:
narcissists are extremely
emotionally insecure (despite the outer charisma) and seek love partners
frenetically, and as per my alert to women - male narcissists are more successful in hooking
and retaining their relationships, therefore creating severe psychological damage (at the
very least) to women.
When you read on
you will understand how this is achieved.
I believe the root of domestic violence is narcissism, and until society as a whole understands and heals this malignancy every
part of our world suffers. What takes place in the world starts within the home.
The Real
Cause Of Narcissism
Why has narcissism
permeated our world?
The answer: Because we have not evolved (as a world society) to understand the necessity to create an authentic emotional
self.
To be ‘at one’ with ourselves, life and others is a very spiritual
experience…
To not be ‘at one’ is a hellish experience –
this state is where narcissism is born.
It’s simple:
Every Act of
Abuse Is Born From Emotional Pain, Fear and a Need to Control.
When we are ‘at one’ there is no need to take, harm, maim, manipulate or lie.
Narcissism
is not a mental condition. It’s a spiritual / emotional condition.
We’ve all been taught ‘me versus you’ and ‘survival of the
fittest’. Society’s lack of authentic emotional training left us with the belief that ‘it’s weak’
to be authentic and real.
A narcissist feels terrorized
at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest),
and develops a pathological false self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds.
The narcissist and many other individuals
haven’t realized that establishing healthy boundary function and living truthfully in self-honoring ways keeps us safe,
and grants the freedom to be real, navigate our lives with authenticity, self-love, self-esteem and self-respect - whilst
making decisions that work for the greater good.
Lack of Emotional Intelligence Training
created:
The Martyr: “I lose
you Win”, and
The Narcissist: “I win you Lose”.
Our new world can now create
“I win, everyone wins” mentality, and it’s time this awareness and training took place.
The Pain, Shock and Trauma Of Narcissistic AbuseNarcissistic relationships are tragic and can lead to significant demise. Many women die in this version of love, or at the very least spend years,
if not the rest of their lives, emotionally, mentally, financially, physically and spiritually crippled.
I am passionate about releasing this information for educational purposes so women may identify this personality
disorder and know they aren’t going mad. Prevention, disconnection and recovery require becoming very clear about what
narcissism is. All young women should be educated before dating to become empowered and
aware enough to avoid highly damaging narcissistic relationships.
I am not ignoring men who may also be suffering at the hands of narcissist
females. The same dynamics apply. I empathize greatly with these men. I have met many. The results that nice guys may
suffer at the hands of abusive women are similarly devastating. Therefore, even though this article has been positioned for women, I also urge males in destructive
relationships past or present to read this article in order to understand narcissism.
Importantly I will state
narcissistic enmeshment and damage can occur in any relationship in life. It could happen
with a parent, a child, a friend or a business partner. This article is not just about love relationships.
The information I am writing about in this article relates to high-level narcissism.
I am intimately familiar with this form of narcissism. Even though this information may
seem extreme it is important to understand that narcissism is exposed gradually.
The effects of
narcissism can initially be very subtle and deeply insidious. It sneaks up on you and permeates and pollutes
every aspect of your being. Victims of narcissism are significantly poisoned, and recovery
requires a virtual exorcism of the disease and the psychic vandalism that could continue for years.
It Can Happen To Anyone
If you begin to feel confused in love, and
have strange vague feelings that something isn’t right, don’t simply rationalize and shake these feelings off.
I did. I bought into the diversions, the excuses and the cover ups. It won’t start off for you as high-level inappropriate
behavior.
Of course it doesn’t
– because you would never commit to the relationship if it did! Be aware, very aware – that if you feel uneasy,
or at times sense darkness or something ‘not right’ about your partner – investigate and look deeper.
If you are in a relationship with a true narcissist,
by the time the personality disorder is obvious, you are hooked, empty and exhausted (it
happens bit by bit without you realizing) and powerless to create boundaries and protect yourself. In my case
by the time the horrific and monstrous personality fully appeared I was watching my own demise with the exits closed.
He had displayed warning signs
of abusive behavior to me previously. I discovered some of his lies previously. Because I didn’t want to shatter my
dream of the most glorious and magnificent man loving me, I lied to myself. I made excuses for him. I kept defaulting back
to the image he portrayed when I first met him.
He created the persona of the perfect
man for me. He appeared as everything I thought was my life partner. I didn’t want to admit his ingenious façade
wasn’t true. I didn’t want to face the fact the man he pretended to be showed very little (if any) resemblance to the man he really was. My self-deception took me to a level where I
very nearly didn’t escape.
By the time I did, I was so broken, severely damaged
and suicidal that I doubted I would ever recover. I lost out disastrously and had to rebuild my life almost from scratch.
I did, and it took every resource and every ounce of strength to do it. My purpose is now to prevent other individuals having
to experience the soul-shattering devastation I did.
I am not the only one…not
by a long shot. As a healer and a woman who knows many other women I know how common abusive and controlling relationships
are. It’s my theory that every women has been in an abusive or significantly disempowering relationship or knows a woman
who has.
The problem is we turn our
back on women that are being abused. We rationalize they should know better, and how could they do it to themselves? We get
sick of the whining and complaining when we know they willingly put up with more of the same.
I used to be one of these judgmental women. I had empathy but was secretly appalled by women who were being
verbally and physically abused or living with pathological liars, criminals and chauvinistic
unsupportive men that treated them poorly. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why on earth they couldn’t
leave, and when they did why they would turn around and go back.
I had always walked away
from abuse and said “No.” I knew my deservedness! Why couldn’t other women
stand up and be as strong as me! Well low and behold, an individual like me who is mentally and emotionally strong and resourceful
and thought I had my life under control became one of these abused women, powerless, emotionally crippled and mentally deranged.
And yes, I also didn’t
leave, and when I finally did, kept caving in and going back, I became what I despised about women. So much for my righteous
indignation.
Traits Of Narcissism
Therefore please take
note of the following examples and personality traits of narcissism. Be honest with
yourself. Can you see warning signs? The point I am making is it could happen to you, or maybe you are unaware that it is
happening to you…
Why is narcissism so detrimental to relationships?
The answer: because narcissism is a condition of separation, distrust and ‘me versus
you’. Such states make a relationship (which requires by definition: teamwork, trust
and co-operation) impossible to sustain.
Narcissistic Personality
Disorder is more common than you think. It is identifiable firstly by understanding certain individuals struggle with
humility. Have you loved a person who is never wrong, never sorry and believes it is always someone else’s fault?
Have you ever experienced
an individual who is non-accountable for their behavior and doesn’t learn despite the mayhem and pain they produce?
Have you witnessed
an individual who has no tolerance for the slightest criticism, even when given constructive advice?
Read further
because this person may well be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Maybe
you are starting to see snippets of this behavior…
The classic bully is an
archetype of the narcissist. The bully is a person who takes their own needs primarily by
charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and
self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Narcissism is a grave condition
of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover
the truth: that they feel powerless.
Thus the narcissist
invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken.
When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn’t work the intimidation
begins.
Narcissism is
categorized as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging
behavior affects the world around them.
A Profound Lack Of Self Love
In the myth of Narcissus, the hero
fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was
in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self. The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part
of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self. To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate.
This image is a grandiose version, a version of him that is admired, adored and respected by others. He needs
to be unique and he hates to be one of the crowd or ‘normal’. In order to maintain this image the narcissist will go out of his way to be noticed, admired and liked by others.
He is very capable or
procuring admiration by offering his skills and services and boasting about his talents and accomplishments. To gleam
praise from others he will appear very helpful and generous. This is initially, and only to people that are not in his common
and familiar life. Thus an individual connected with a narcissist long term is confused
and very misunderstood by the acquaintances that proclaim ‘he’s a great guy’, when living with a ‘street
angel / home devil’.
Interestingly
many of these acquaintances will be temporary and short lived. As soon as the narcissist is
not receiving the initial praise and recognition he craves, the relationship will dry up, or the narcissist
will disappear fearful that the individual will discover the truth. In many cases the relationship being based on ‘false
currency’ (non-genuine giving) simply doesn’t survive.
Being Kicked When You're Down
No matter what the outer world
initially sees, the narcissist’s depth of empathy and support is extremely
shallow, If there is no ‘pay off’ of constant admiration the support becomes no-existent and unavailable.
In fact the narcissist
has to spend so much energy mining acceptance from outside of himself he has very little reserves to give genuinely
(without agenda) to others. If you have a person in your life who is incapable
of being supportive, and in fact becomes depressed, angry and even abusive when you have a bad time or require assistance,
you may be shocked to realize this individual is narcissistic.
Narcissists are the classic
‘fair weather people’ to individuals they are familiar with. If you have no energy to grant the narcissist, you are of no use to him, and he finds it deplorable to give of himself to you.
Manic Mood Swings
It’s important to understand the narcissist is not always
nasty and can be truly delightful. This makes this condition very confusing. When he is feeling full of recognition and getting
what he wants from life you could not imagine a happier more delightful, funny, loving and charismatic person.
This is part of the manic
depressive condition caused by narcissism. When he is high in life, he is high on
‘narcissistic supply’ the false currency (energy
mined from outside of him) that fills him full of good feelings and ‘self-worth.’
This ‘feed’ lifts him out of the depression
of his damaged and tortured self. Because this feeling ‘full’ is in stark contrast to his natural state, he feels
euphoria and great relief. He feels power-ful (rather than power-less)
and makes the most of these feelings.
No different to an alcoholic
or drug addict who has hit the apex of the binge or the hit. This state is precarious and temporary. When the high
reaches its peak the dangerous low is close behind. Narcissism is bi-polar in its intensity.
Many people that have lived or are living with an individual who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder
know the sudden lows that come after the highs.
Sometimes within minutes
of being a ‘fun-loving delight’ the individual becomes dark, moody and angry. The mood is like a black ink that
permeates everything surrounding it. Then the ‘walking on broken glass’ begins.
Lack of Responsibility For Own Feelings
The narcissist has an inability to take responsibility for his bad
feelings. For him to acknowledge he is ‘down’ is terrifying and means admitting feelings of emptiness and powerlessness.
Psychologically this spells emotional and mental annihilation. The narcissist’s false self
is his survival, and quite literally he will lose everything in his life (and even his
physical life) before giving up the desperate grip on maintaining the facade.
Inevitably his ‘bad feelings’ are someone else’s responsibility, because he cannot claim these
feelings as his own. “I’m feeling bad, therefore it must be your fault” The bouts of battering and blaming
another individual (often the love partner) continue until the narcissist has been able to mine another hit of narcissistic supply (the much needed drug of attention).
The narcissist, who has denied his true damaged self, operates in two main dimensions:
1. Pulling compliments and
attention (even negative attention if positive attention is not forthcoming)
to feel more important and worthy, or
2. Projecting anger and pain outside of himself
at the closest person / people.
The projection is
a psychological phenomenon whereby the narcissist will see his own disowned parts as the
individual he is attacking / criticizing / demeaning / abusing. The victim of the abuse will literally ‘become’
to the narcissist all the aspects of himself that he is disgusted by. He will accuse this
person of being inconsiderate, deceptive, uncaring and untrustworthy. The enemy within has become the enemy without.
So whichever mode the narcissist is working through in order to try
to feel healthy the same criterion applies. The narcissist is incapable of sustaining his
own energy. He has limited if any resources to supply his own ‘good’ feelings and just as limited resources to
work through and transform his own ‘bad’ feelings. It is always someone else’s job.
Can a
narcissist survive on his own? The answer is ‘No’. Narcissists
will seek a source of narcissist supply. The primary targets for this supply are love partners.
Inevitably compliants (people pleasers) who have poor boundary function
are gravitated to as easy targets.
This fits because
the compliant will act co-dependently and give and give of themselves to the narcissist.
They also have a high level of tolerance to the childish, immature and aggressive behavior.
Co-Dependents Make Easy Targets
Compliant co-dependents
believe in unconditional love. They will tolerate being damaged and feel sorry for the other person, yet in reality co-dependents
are terrified about laying boundaries and taking control of their own lives. Boundary function is imperative protection against
a narcissistic individual. Co-dependents love so much it hurts; whereas their
self-development lies in learning to love themselves enough to stop the pain.
When a co-dependent teams up
with a narcissist (and many do) they
will have their scant boundaries disintegrated and end up tolerating behavior and abuse that they never thought they would.
They will try again and again to prove their love, devotion and loyalty to the narcissist,
all the way to their self-demise. Why is this exercise futile?
Because the narcissist who cannot accept themselves (and has deep self-loathing)
can’t accept love, intimacy and commitment from another, and is powerless to grant and sustain these commodities with
another. It’s an impossibility to give inner resources that simply don’t exist.
People
with healthy and powerful boundaries and self-identity don’t get taken in for long by narcissistic
individuals. Why not? Because these people have healthy limits; they know and back up what they will and won’t
put up with in their life. When the narcissistic glamor wears thin and the true personality
is revealed, an individual with healthy boundary function will remove themselves from the abusive, childish and inhumane behavior.
If you have procured a narcissist
in your life, like me you didn’t (or don’t) have healthy
boundary function. I was fortunate enough to take responsibility and empower myself with this awareness. It has gloriously
created my healing. I needed the narcissistic experience to realize this.
The Child That Didn't Emotionally Grow Up
You may have noted the word ‘childish’ being used to describe
narcissism. Narcissists are angry children in adult bodies. Numerology and astrology can
reveal past life situations that have initially created the onset of narcissism, and right
on cue individuals with narcissist configurations attract childhood conditions that continue this personality condition.
Severe damage from the birth
family is generally perceived by the narcissistic child / adolescent. Interestingly other
children in the same family may go through similar abandonment, disappointments and abuse but not develop the lack of empathy,
lack of emotional awareness, self-denial and delusions that the narcissist does.
The narcissist’s emotional maturity development has become paralyzed somewhere between the age
of five and seven years of age. Narcissists don’t have the ability to have ‘observing
ego’, therefore they are prone to ‘knee jerk’ reactions that are aggressive, abusive, violent, and vengeful
that emotionally stable and healthy adults simply don’t do. The narcissist doesn’t learn how his behavior affects
others people, despite the people he loses, or the disasters he creates.
There is always
a justification or an excuse for the behavior. The classic narcissistic admittance
of bad behavior is: “I did it because I was angry” and the narcissist truly
believes this is reason enough, regardless of the damage, distrust and consequences created. Empathy is virtually non-existent
toward the severely damaged individuals lined up during a tirade. Trust me it’s not personal: sadly narcissists simply don’t have the inner resources to feel anything but their own pain.
The Art of Manipulation
Interestingly many narcissists are highly intelligent and extremely
street smart. They have been expertly hiding their damaged emotional self and navigating life with acute perception and mental
analysis of their environment. Many narcissists know exactly how and when to appeal and
what manipulative tactic is going to work best in which situation. High level narcissists
are incredibly intuitive, manipulative, criminally minded and very dangerous.
Narcissists
work to a win / lose strategy. They are parasitic in their approach and will take from outside sources and people whatever
is necessary to sustain their false image. Narcissists work from a paradigm of self-absorbed
entitlement. They believe their world is positioned to serve their insatiable needs to mine energy.
Many an individual who has
connected to a narcissist has been sucked dry emotionally, mentally, physically and financially.
No matter what is given it is never enough. The demands and expectations escalate and the narcissist
is rarely content, appeased and fulfilled.
The need for ‘artificial energy’
is a bottomless pit. Dr. Paul Dobransky explains that the myth of vampires was originally modeled on the human pathological narcissist. Dr. Paul also describes narcissism
in terms of astronomical science. He explains that when celestial bodies elevate to a level not self-sustainable they create
vacuums around them that feed off and destroy surrounding celestial bodies. All of these metaphors make sense. Anyone who
has been in love with a narcissist will testify that the experience left them lifeless.
"The World Owes Me"
Many narcissists have a very loose and unaccountable life. Rules and regulations
mean conforming to society and being ‘normal’ and the narcissistic is horrified
about being non-unique. This leads to a precarious life of attaining image and attention regardless of consequences. There
is limited compliance to the needs of individuals, groups, businesses or government when the narcissist
is operating from his entitlement agenda.
Many narcissists
have a superior image to the uninformed: fancy clothes, cars, homes and accessories, (or
at the very least they expect to be recognized for their capabilities if results are not yet attained), however
scratch just under the surface and there is a literal minefield of disasters waiting to happen. Narcissists consistently attract
problems and severe consequences into their life. Life is chaotic and often disastrous.
Inevitably
the narcissist cannot maintain the false constructed image. Much of the image may have been
acquired by deceptive (even criminal) means whilst refusing to ‘play
by the rules’. Ego driven immediate gratification is the name of the game. When attention toward lack of credibility,
precarious debt, manipulating others for self gain or ‘loose cannon’ behavior arises the narcissist
suffers an intolerable narcissistic wound to his already severely damaged self-esteem.
Any assistance or notification
of the problems is a major insult and all lengths of denial, manipulation, aggression, intimidation or pathological lies are
used as defense mechanisms to cover up, project blame or avoid the scrutiny.
Pathological
Jealousy, Lies and Insecurities
One of the most obvious symptoms of high level narcissism is intense jealousy
and severe sexual perversion and insecurities. Narcissistic behavior can incur verbally
and physically violent (and even murderous) jealousy, and extreme degradation
of the opposite sex.
Male narcissists are often
misogynists. They desperately seek women yet inwardly despise them. These men are totally turned on by extreme sexuality yet
are perversely disgusted by attractive female attributes, believing women are promiscuous, sexually manipulative and attention
seeking. The male narcissist will often play out a deep subconscious ‘mother-revenge’
by running his female partner into the ground. He will destroy her self-esteem, femininity and sexuality piece by piece.
Another symptom of narcissism is pathological lying. Purposeful lying
is narcissist and is born from a need to manipulate in order to control. This characteristic
began at a very early age. The narcissist never matured to the level where he accepted essential
emotional truths: lying creates distrust and separation with others. It destroys relationships.
To be honest (and therefore vulnerable) terrifies the narcissist. He fears this will equate to being controlled by others. He needs to uphold lies so
people don’t discover the truth of who he really is.
The narcissist
finds comfort in not being pinned down, and not being accountable. More lies are necessary to cover up a previous lie.
The pathological lies become malignant and the high-level narcissistic scripting an illusionary
life begins to believe his own versions.
This is why pathological lying
is so hard to detect. Additionally the narcissist doesn’t suffer a guilty conscience.
He believes he’s entitled to lie. It’s the only way he knows how to operate in a world of ‘me versus you’
without the emotional resources to trust.
The tragic thing is: narcissists genuinely believe everyone else thinks and feels exactly the way they do. They don’t
trust anyone.
Trying To Monitor The Narcissist In Order To Survive
One of the major arsenals in the narcissistic repertoire of weapons is a condition inflicted on love partners known as ‘repetitive
compulsion disorder’. A victim of narcissistic projections and behaviors can become
seriously psychologically confused and deranged, often to the level of a total psychotic or suicidal breakdown.
This occurs because the narcissist is a bag of tricks. They are spontaneous,
erratic and totally unpredictable. When connected to a narcissist you don’t know what
to expect. He may tell you one thing and then do another. Something you discussed and agreed on two hours ago will be dismissed.
It’s as if you never had the conversation. The idea he had yesterday has changed in preference of something else today.
What he agreed to do for you he won’t even admit to discussing.
Something that you thought
was a normal everyday function of responsibility is intolerable to him. He offers to be reliable one minute and totally lets
you down the next. He will twist and turn facts and create imaginary allies to back up “I’m right and you’re
wrong”. He will tell intricate and explicit lies. You shake your head in bewilderment because you couldn’t fathom
an adult lying in such detail unless it was the truth, and what’s more he doesn’t care who he degrades, damages
or discredits in the lies. Guess what? The major enemy that he discredits to his family and colleagues is you. He will muster
sympathy and attention from all that will listen regarding the ‘intolerable suffering’ of his relationship.
Love partners feel a heightened state of anxiety. There is no ability to feel safe under these
conditions. A great deal of focus is placed on the narcissist. Good attention or bad attention
it makes little difference. The narcissist is receiving attention: and to him this makes
him feel important. He feels powerful in the knowing that he can affect another individual to such a degree.
He also knows he can now control
his love partner, because the more she focuses on what he is or isn’t doing the more she loses her identity,
her pastimes, her friends and her life. Before she knows it her boundaries have crumbled and she has lost all self-resources,
energy and power to identify the behavior, pull away and protect herself. The more powerless she feels, the more he believes
he is powerful.
Before long she may start manically checking up on him, ringing
him constantly, crying, pleading and trying to gain comfort and support from him. When this cycle intensifies he has her controlled.
He can treat her appallingly and she will always be attached to him trying to win his love, protection, honesty and support.
Please understand what is so frightful:
by association women see their love partner as their ‘rock’, their support and their backbone – and this
is soul-destroying when you believe the very person destroying you is this man. Welcome into the deadly capes of Count Dracula
where the cruelty, contempt and malicious delight begins.
To further explain Repetitive
Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence
to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal.
The number of pushes may be altered
daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated
and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions
in his cage. Why?
Because his sense of stability
is threatened. The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become
hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder
trying to create a ‘set result.’ This is why poker machines hook people.
Women become severely addicted
to narcissists, ‘pushing the button’ all the way
to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless
that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark
pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids
by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness.
"But He Was So Wonderful..."
Be very aware that in the ‘honeymoon period’ of love the narcissist
will be an absolute delight, for a period of weeks or even months. A narcissistic relationship
commonly starts as a ‘whirlwind romance’ if he decides he wants you as his partner. You will be wined, dined,
bought and wooed. You will be so ‘in love’ that you won’t be able to see straight. Take note of the expression
‘too good to be true.’
If you’re at all suspect retain your interests,
and make sure you implement them in your life.
Have male friends and see how he
reacts. Is he emotionally secure enough to allow you to direct your attention to other areas of your life apart from him?
Look out for discrepancies. If he brags about his accomplishments and credentials
check with people who have known him long term. Ascertain his history in regard to stable employment, credit ratings and friendships.
What is his relationship track record? Does he still have healthy and appropriate
contact with past relationships? Ask his opinion in regard to chauvinism, and the way men treat women. What are his feelings
regarding verbal and physical violence to women and jealousy? Does he have a loving relationship with his mother? How does
he feel about trust and respect for a partner?
Be vigilant to sexually inappropriate behavior toward you,
such as early questioning of your sexual past, or if he starts to treat you as an image or an object. Is he capable of gentle
and caring love making, or does he seem detached and aggressive? Does he call you names that refer to your sexual parts?
Becoming The Object Of Destructive Love
Narcissism is
the ultimate experience of objectification. To this type of person you are not a person with feelings. You are a source of
narcissistic supply, and all shows of love, affection and empathy are constructed to lure
you as this source.
Ultimately you are not a person,
you are a thing to feed off and sustain his existence. When you are finished with the narcissist,
he will find another source and another and then another. The cycle doesn’t end. Just like the vampire who has to destroy
every person it needs to sustain itself, the narcissist lives this perpetual nightmare of
bleeding dry everything and everyone in order to exist. Again and again he faces his worst horror story; being unlovable and
abandoned.
According to most psychological experts the narcissist
who has never undergone the long process of rebuilding their childhood emotional intelligence, ends up destitute, broken,
and alone. The people and objects they want cannot survive long term in their presence.
Healing (Or Leaving) Narcissism Is Necessary
To Experience Real Love
So
there you have it, vital information in regard to high level narcissism. Do not use
these extremities as an excuse for allowing narcissistic behavior, by telling yourself,
“My partner is certainly not all of those things.” Be aware aspects such as jealousy, control, isolation, verbal and physical abuse and pathological lying are narcissistic
and unacceptable.
Maybe you recognize some narcissistic traits
within yourself. Of course everyone can at times (when feeling empty, unloved and insecure)
act narcissistically. The difference is: individuals that are self-aware and employ observing-ego
function don’t keep operating in self-absorbed patterns that clearly don’t produce happy and healthy results.
They learn. They take responsibility,
stop blaming everyone else, apply humility and amend their behavior. Then, and only then, can they create a true sense of
self with integrity that aligns with life principles that do work.
The truth sets us all free, and an authentic life of sustaining and taking responsibility for our own energy is the only formula
that creates true and durable results. In order to fulfill our divine right to have a great life we all have to examine and
embody principles of oneness, co-operation and trustworthy teamwork rather than utilize actions of suspicion, distrust, manipulation and ‘me versus you’.
Alcoholics and drug addicts may display high levels of narcissistic behavior.
If the addiction is cured so may the personality disorder. True narcissists have the condition
embedded in their psyches and generally the condition is known as totally untreatable. I believe it is treatable, although
I am yet to discover (through research or experience) a narcissist who had the humility and emotional strength to confront themselves genuinely and durably.
Narcissists are extremely
fragile psychologically and emotionally. They are literally terrified about facing and dealing with their inner demons. For
this reason narcissists rarely attempt therapy, and if they do they don’t follow through
with treatment.
If you are trying to deal with a narcissistic relationship
or are struggling to recover from one, it is imperative that you seek healing solutions and the reclaiming of yourself. I
am blessed through facilitating my own recovery to now assist women with their creation of a powerful self-identity.
The narcissistic experience truly can be a beautiful recovery of liberation,
empowerment and creating self-love, self-esteem and great boundary function. My experience was transformed from an illusion
of love to the most powerful experience of truly loving myself.
Ironically having my life-force
‘destroyed’ has led to my life being created as the most fulfilling reality I could ever imagine. My career and
life have blossomed to spectacular levels as a result of this experience. Everything I lost, I am re-creating tenfold.
I now give and receive love and connection on a phenomenal and real level. I am in love with myself
and every aspect of my life and my life is filled with decency, loyalty and truth. Life is serene, real, supportive, loving and empowering. My life continues to fill with the self-awareness, individuals, events, success and gifts that reflect
my new permanent truth.
An essential part of my truth is:
I will never again tolerate a narcissistic individual. Psychotic behavior plays no part
in my reality. I wouldn’t consider connecting with such an individual for ten million dollars!
I have discovered a real
currency to life that far outweighs a life of illusion, deception, manipulation, abuse and
falsities! None of it was love. I now know what true love is! True love feels great. It is warm, supportive, safe, trustworthy, loyal, respectful and real. True love is constructive it is not destructive.
You too can turn it all around…
I am daily experiencing women making this empowering journey, and loving life at this level… all because the narcissist showed up for them and taught them what they needed to learn… You too are welcome to join this
journey.
Author's Bio: Melanie Tonia Evans is an author, self-empowerment
coach, psychic and spiritual healer. She is passionate about liberating women from painful and destructive love experiences.
See www.melanietoniaevans.com to discover Melanie's books, self-empowerment courses, personal
readings, healing services and self-growth articles.
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Adult Children of Narcissists
Sam Vaknin Ph.D.
July 15, 2007
Q. Once you became an adult, how did your relationship with
your parents change?
What are some of the unique difficulties of being an adult
child of narcissistic parents? Feel free to give examples or describe specific situations you found yourself in.
A. Adult children of narcissists
adopt one of two solutions:
Children of narcissists should avoid the encounter because it is bound to stir up a nest of emotional hornets which they may not be able to cope with effectively. They should refuse to subject themselves to repeated abuse, however subtle, surreptitious & ambient. Absenteeism is a way of neutralizing the abusive parents' weapons.
But the vast majority of grown up offspring of narcissists
find themselves enmeshed in unhealthy permutations of their childhood, caught in an exhausting dance macabre, developing special
semiotic vocabularies to decipher the convoluted exchanges that pass for communication in their families.
They compulsively revisit unresolved conflicts and re-enact painful scenes in the forlorn hope that, this time around, the resolution would be favorable and benign.
Such entanglement only serves to exacerbate the corrosive
give-and-take that constitutes the child-parent relationship in the narcissist's family. Such recurrent friction, unwelcome
but irresistible, deepens and entrenches the grudges and enmity that both parties accumulate in sort of a bookkeeping of hurt and counter-hurt.
Q. When we become adults, what are our responsibilities to parents who have personality problems?
Do you think we're obligated to put up with them as a kind of payback for everything they gave us when we were young, or are we justified in cutting them off if the situation gets too intractable?
A. Our first & foremost obligation
is to ourselves & to our welfare - as well as to our loved ones.
People with personality disorders are disruptive in the extreme. They pose a clear & present danger both to themselves and to others. They're an
emotional liability and a time bomb. They're a riddle we, their progeny, can never hope to resolve and they constitute living proof that not only were we not loved as children but are unlovable as adults.
Why would one saddle oneself with such debilitating
constraints on one's ability to feel, to experience, to dare and to soar to one's fullest potential?
Narcissistic parents are an albatross around their children's
necks because they're incapable of truly, fully and unconditionally loving.
Q. How can we try to manage difficult parents' behavior, if
at all-or at least, minimize its impact on us?
Q. What advice would you give others who find themselves in
a similar situation with their parents?
What were some of the strategies that worked for you?
A. At the risk of sounding repetitive: disengage to the best
of your ability. Make it a point to limit your encounters with these sad reminders of your childhood to the bare minimum.
Delegate obligations to third parties, to professionals, to other members of the family. Hire nurses, accountants and lawyers if you
can afford it. Place them in a senior home. Move to another state.
The more distance you put between yourself and your personality disordered abuser-parents and their radioactive influence, the better you're bound to feel:
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decisive
-
empowered
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clear about yourself and your goals
These points are crucial:
- Don't allow your parents to manage your life any longer
- Don't allow them to interfere with your new family: your wife and children
- Don't allow them to turn you into a servant, instantaneously and obsequiously at their beck
and call.
- Don't become their source of funding
- Don't become their exclusive or most important source of narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, admiration)
- Don't show them that they can hurt you or that you're afraid of them or that they have any kind of power over you
- Be ostentatiously autonomous and independent-minded in their presence
- Don't succumb to emotional blackmail or emotional incest
- Punish them by disengaging every time they transgress.
- Condition them not to misbehave, not to abuse you.
Identify the most common strategies of fostering unhealthy
(trauma) bonding and the most prevalent control mechanisms:
- Guilt-driven ("I sacrificed my life for you.")
- Codependent ("I need you, I can't cope without you.")
- Goal-driven ("We have
a common goal which we can and must achieve")
- Shared psychosis or emotional incest ("You and I are united against the whole world, or at least against your monstrous, no-good father ...", "You're
my one and only true love and passion")
- Explicit ("If you don't
adhere to my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion, values, if you don't obey my instructions - I'll punish you").
Interview granted to Elizabeth Svoboda of Psychology Today
source: American Chronicle
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