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Please Remember: Once the abuse has
stopped, the survival behaviors will take time and work to dissipate!
   Tools for Handling Control Issues
Tempering Survival Behaviors
What are survival behaviors?
Survival behaviors are:
- Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive, neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or school setting.
- The walls or barriers which
you have built between you and others so that you'll never be hurt again like you were in the past.
- Your pulled-in feelings which you're no longer willing to share with others lest they take advantage of your vulnerability.
- The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again.
- The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to show interest or concern to you.
- Your lack of tolerance and
apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe.
- The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for "who is the winner or loser" in each human transaction you encounter.
- The coldness and disengagement
you display as you describe your problems from your past.
- The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic and cynical attitude you hold towards life.
- The often bitter, acrid and biting comments you make about aspects of your life.
- The often uncontrollable
anger, rage and hatred that you exude as you speak of past hurts.
- Your unwillingness to consider
that there might be more viable options for you to cope with life than your "tried and proven" self-defensive model.
- Your defensive and "closed in" attitude when others suggest to you a constructive criticism over something you've said or done.
- Your inability to warm up
to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever you're in a new social situation.
- Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or approve of you.
- Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.
- Your guardedness
and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest they get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with that information.
Survival behavior self-assessment
Survival Behaviors Inventory
Directions:
For each survival
behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it in your life. Use the following rating scale.
- 1 = Never
- 2 = Rarely
- 3 = Sometimes
- 4 = Frequently
- 5 = Almost always
1 2 3 4 5 (1) Refusal to grow up - This is a pattern in which you think, feel, or act in a way that lets others know you have no intention to "grow up'' to think, feel, or act like an adult.
1 2 3 4 5 (2) Authority
figure conflict - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting which places you in direct conflict with the authority figures in your life. This often results in your jumping from job to job
1 2 3 4 5 (3) Unapproachability
- This is a pattern of behaviors which is often unintentional and is based on
your shyness and aloofness with others. This is a perception which others have of you and as a result they avoid contact or involvement with you.
They often perceive you to be arrogant, "better than thou," or "together" when in fact you're just the opposite.
1 2 3 4 5 (4) Shyness and aloofness - This is a pattern of behaviors which reflects
your fear of involvement with others. Others perceive you as being distant and non-communicative. It reflects your fear of rejection and non-approval.
1 2 3 4 5 (5) Chip on your shoulder - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which reflects your "tough guy" approach of challenging others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This is a reflection of your unresolved past hurt and pain and tends to put off new people.
1 2 3 4 5 (6) Need for nurturance -This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which reflects the deficit of parental male or female nurturing in your life. It often results in your intentional or unintentional compulsive or addictive searching for male or female affection, attention, or approval in your life.
1 2 3 4 5 (7) Addictive relationships - This is a pattern of your developing relationships
with others in which you lose your ability to control or temper your thinking, feeling, or acting to the point where you're obsessed and lose yourself in the other.
1 2 3 4 5 (8) Enmeshment of
relationships -This is a pattern in your relationships where you "cling on" so that
there is an over-bond between you and the other. You hold on tightly so
as to ensure that no outside influence intrudes to upset the balance you've created.
1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) Loss of emotional boundaries - This is a pattern in your relationships in which you and the other become unable to differentiate feelings, attitudes and beliefs from one another. If one hurts or is in pain, the other is hurt and in pain. This over identification is a way to try to
ensure bonds of loyalty, trust and fidelity.
1 2 3 4 5 (10) Lack of emotional
empathy - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings of others so as to prevent your getting involved with them at an emotional level. This is a way to protect yourself from
being vulnerable to being hurt in relationships if you get too close.
1 2 3 4 5 (11) Inability to be intimate - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which prevents you from getting emotionally close to others. This is a method to protect yourself from the hurt and pain if the relationship should end in a negative way.
1 2 3 4 5 (12) Icebox behaviors-This is a pattern of acting which freezes others out of emotional involvement with you. This is a way in which you
keep others from getting too close to you lest if they know you too well they could hurt you as you've been hurt in the past.
Other names for this are: Ice Woman, Ice Man, Freezer, Refrigerator, Ice Cube, Icicle, or Cold.
1 2 3 4 5 (13) Lack of commitment - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in
which you might fail or be hurt.
1 2 3 4 5 (14) Antagonism -
This is a pattern of negativism - thinking, feeling and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or perceived threats to you. This is a hostile pattern which
puts others off and maintains emotional and physical distance between you and them.
1 2 3 4 5 (15)
Defensiveness - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you're always "on guard" from real or perceived threats to you. This on guard attitude protects you from
"being wronged," "hurt," "unwanted," or "unloved." It reflects the "I knew it wouldn't work out anyway" attitude in which
you enter into relationships with other people, places and things.
1 2 3 4 5 (16) Indecisiveness
- This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which prevents you from ever being "tied down" to a decision lest the decision be a wrong one. This prevents you
from being hurt by a mistake but it keeps you stuck from making progress in your life.
1 2 3 4 5 (17) Irresponsibility - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting in which you try to accept as little responsibility for yourself or others as you can. This results in your never having to be accountable for anything which may go wrong or
fail in your life. Never wanting to be "answerable" for anything keeps you functioning in an irresponsible way.
1 2 3 4 5 (18) Out of touch with
reality - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past hurts, injustices, or pain which you have experienced.
This denial of reality is based on the belief that if you admitted reality for what it was you would go insane from the shame, pain, misery, suffering, horror, rage, anger and shock you would experience from facing it the way it was. This being out
of touch, however, keeps you from progressing along in your current life due to the amount of "unfinished business" you avoid
by denying and being out of touch.
1 2 3 4 5 (19) Lack
of conscience - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you never allow yourself to be bothered by anything negative you've done to yourself or others. This
is often a result of your inability to face the harm you've done to others. Since you feel you have been so badly treated
in the past, you have a hard time admitting you have or are doing the same to others.
1 2 3 4 5 (20) Denial of feelings - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you don't admit to having any positive or negative feelings about your past or current life. This is
a way to protect yourself from pain, hurt, shame and upset. But it also keeps you from experiencing the enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction of the positive aspects of your life. This makes it difficult for others to relate to you since they can't get a clear picture
of who you are by "pinning you down" on how you feel towards them or anything else in your life.
1 2 3 4 5 (21) Invisibility
- This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which your goal isn't to be seen, heard, or attended to by others so that they not focus any negative actions
or behaviors your way. This is to protect you from future real or perceived hurt, pain, or abuse
by others.
1 2 3 4 5 (22) Self-medicating
behaviors - This is a pattern of behaviors by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame, suffering, or emptiness you've experienced in your life. This includes alcohol or drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive
overeating, shopping, or gambling, etc. This pattern can accelerate to habitual or addictive levels if allowed to go unchecked
and then creates new problems for you.
1 2 3 4 5 (23) Inability to trust - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you don't allow yourself to trust anyone in your life. This lack of trust prevents you from making the mistake of becoming vulnerable with another lest the other hurt, abuse, or take advantage of you like others have done
to you in the past.
1 2 3 4 5 (24) Playing it safe - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you "play it safe: lest you take a risk and be hurt, abused, or taken
advantage of by others. This also prevents you from making a mistake or failing in decisions or actions in life. "Playing
it safe" keeps you secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life.
1 2 3 4 5 (25) Self containment
- This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you don't need anyone else in your life but you. This keeps you from seeking or asking for help from others so as not to be let down if
they don't respond. "I know I can do it on my own" attitude keeps you from being open to the support, advice and assistance of helpers in your life. This pattern feeds on itself and can lead to exacerbation of your sense of
isolation, abandonment and loneliness.
1 2 3 4 5 (26) Mask wearing -
This is a pattern of behaviors to hide from others your true feelings. This helps you to keep others in the dark as to how you're actually reacting to people, places, or things. By masking feelings you prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval, or condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest
assessment, reaction, or judgment.
1 2 3 4 5 (27) Running away -
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you run away to avoid having to face any hurt, pain, abuse, suffering,
anxiety, stress, or tension. Running away either in your head or in reality helps you to avoid confronting the unpleasant
realities of your life.
1 2 3 4 5 (28) Lying -
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you hide the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived abuse, hurt, or conflict. Lying or omitting
the truth of details is a way to cover up anything which you believe could cause trouble for you with others.
1 2 3 4 5 (29) Overreaction -
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned, confused and upset. Overreaction is a way
by which you gain attention for yourself when ordinary means fail. It's a way to ensure that you aren't forgotten or ignored.
1 2 3 4 5 (30) Escape into fantasy
- This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or acting by which you avoid the unpleasantness of your present circumstances by fantasizing how it could be. Flight into
fantasy gives you momentary relief from the stress, anxiety, or tension of the hurtful, abusive,
neglectful, punitive, shameful, negating reality you're experiencing at the time.
_____ TOTAL SCORE
To determine your level of survivorship, add the circled ratings
to get a total score. Then use the following scale and interpretation.
SCALE INTERPRETATION
30-60 - Lowest level of survivorship: You rarely use survival behaviors and probably don't need to work on tempering survival behaviors. To be safe, work on all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.
61-90 - Mild level of survivorship: You sometimes resort to the use of survival behaviors. It's important for you to work on all the behaviors you rated 3 or higher.
91-120 - Moderate
level of survivorship: You frequently utilize survival behaviors in your relationships with others. In order to improve
these relationships, you need to concentrate efforts on modifying all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.
121-150 - Severe level of survivorship:
You're bogging down your ability to relate to others through an overuse of survival behaviors. You'll need to address all behaviors listed in this inventory rated 3 or higher.
How you can temper survival behaviors
In order to temper survival behaviors, you can follow these steps.
1st:
You first need to identify if your current behaviors fit any of the survival descriptions in Survival behavior self-assessment above
2nd: Once you identify which survival
behaviors you're currently engaged in, you then need to identify what are the negative consequences of these behaviors so as to motivate yourself to change them.
3rd: Once motivated to change them, you need to identify the unhealthy thinking and feeling which lies at the root of the behaviors.
4th: Then you need to identify new, healthier alternative ways of thinking and feeling to help you change.
5th: You now are ready to identify
new, alternative healthy replacement behaviors.
6th: Implement the new,
healthier behaviors.
7th: Monitor your
progress with the new behaviors and seek feedback from others if you're relapsing into old "survival modes.''
8th: If you find yourself falling back into use of old survival behavior patterns,
return to the 1st step and begin again.
Steps to tempering survival behaviors
Step 1: Use the survival behavior self-assessment to identify if you're exhibiting any of these
behaviors in your life.
If you ranked mild, moderate or severe levels of survivorship, continue on to Step 2 to
temper these survival behaviors.
Step 2: Now that you know you have
a problem with survival behaviors, answer the following questions in your journal.
A. How do these behaviors affect your ability to make and sustain healthy relationships with others?
B. What's the feedback you get from others concerning your attitudes and behaviors classified as survival behaviors?
C. How could your life be more productive if you ceased overuse of survival
behaviors?
D. How has your work or school life suffered due to these behaviors?
E. How has your family &/or married life suffered due to these behaviors?
F. Who in your life did you lose as a result of these behaviors?
G. How many close friends do you have? What is the reason for the small number? How do these behaviors explain the small numbers?
H. What is the general cause of relationship failure in your life? How do these behaviors contribute to these failures?
I. How
do you generally react to others when they display survival behaviors to you? What do you think and how do you feel when these behaviors come your way?
J. How
committed are you to tempering the survival behaviors you rated 3 or higher on the inventory?
Step 3: Once you're committed to tempering your survival behaviors, then for each behavior rated 3 or higher do the following
in your journal.
A. Identify the unhealthy, irrational and non-reality-based thinking and feeling which is behind your exhibiting this behavior.
B. Identify
new, healthy, rational and reality based thinking and feeling which can help you to change this behavior.
C. Identify
a new, healthier behavior to replace this old, non-healthy survival behavior.
Step 4: Once you've identified new, healthier behaviors to replace the old survival behaviors, then begin to put them into place one at a time. Don't try to change all of them at one time. The job is too great to do all at once.
Step 5: Give permission to people in your life to "call
you on it'' when you resort to the old survival behaviors.
Step 6: If you find you're
relapsing back to the survivorship model of behaviors, then return to Step 1 and begin again.
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What are the negative effects of survival behaviors?
If you continue to display survival behaviors, you could:
- Find it difficult to attract people to you
because of your coolness, aloofness, or biting hostility.
- Be rejected by people who have reached out to you in care, concern and support whom you've turned off by your distancing tactics and behavioral barriers.
- Become an embittered, lonely recluse who is cut off from everyone who once had shown you care, concern and support.
- Be so well hidden by your "guard-all" shield that no one ever breaks
through the "real" you so you become more isolated and ignored.
- Arouse other people's anger, animosity, rage, or scorn by your sarcastic, bitter, cynical sense of humor and outlook on life.
- Drive people away from you by your constant challenging and testing of their loyalty, sincerity and credibility when they show the slightest interest, concern, or support for you.
- Become so self-centered that you're incapable of being open to hear or understand others' hurts, pain, or suffering and can be perceived as a "scrooge," "cynic," or "shrew."
- Confuse people who are honestly interested in getting close to you by the mixed messages of "approach / avoidance" you send out by using words of an "approach" nature but displaying behaviors of an "avoidance" nature.
- Get into trouble with authority figures because of your lack of
trust or respect and because you challenge their knowledge, competence and abilities by outshining them in your own productivity, talents and achievements.
- Be so committed to "making it" through material success and accumulation that you never achieve a satisfying set of healthy adult human relationships.
- Become so focused on the belief that you must always be on guard that you gain a full-blown paranoid outlook on life.
- Experience worse low self-esteem because you're never capable of getting the support, acceptance and positive reinforcement from others you need.
- Never grow up into a mature, healthy adult.
- Be so invisible that you're chronically ignored by the people in your life.
How are survival behaviors a control issue? Survival behaviors are control issues because: (see the control, power, intimidation and manipulation pages at the top of the navigational panel on the left side of your screen! Be sure to read those pages as well as the pages
these words are linked to thoughout the network.)
What irrational thinking contributes to survival behaviors?
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It worked well in the past
for my survival so I'll use it now in the present.
-
It's my turn to get
even.
-
No one will ever hurt me again.
-
I don't
know what normal is so why try?
-
I have too much to lose
to let my guard down.
-
If it works for me,
why try anything different?
-
They must all be crazy
to be bothered by that.
-
I know more than they do
so why should I listen to them?
-
I don't care if he is my boss. I know what I'm doing around here.
-
I see no need to grow up since being an adult is so boring.
-
I'll reject them before they reject me.
-
I've been ignored so much that there's no way I'm going to try anymore.
-
Why does it have to be me
who takes care of me; why can't others do it for me?
-
Just once I'd like
someone to take care of me.
-
They'll all let me down
so why try?
-
Just try to be nice to me
& I'll bite off your head.
-
Don't use your phony "caring, loving'' behaviors with me. I don't need it.
-
No matter what you do for
me it'll never make up for my past so why try?
-
They'll never accept me fully so why should I try to let them know me?
-
If they know too much about
me, they could really hurt me later on.
-
No matter what I do,
I'm never appreciated around here.
-
As good as I do,
I never feel it's "good enough'' for them.
- I'd rather not be seen &/or heard
around here. You get along better that way
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Introduction
Beneath the scars and bruises
of every cutter, lies a very dark and hidden secret.
For some, it may be the sexual abuse they went through as a child.
For another, it
could be how her drunken father beat her and her mother every night.
And even for others,
the secret could be as simple as not feeling loved.
But every single one of
them has the same problem-the inability to verbalize their emotions.
It's more than likely
a lack of coping skills that causes this self-injurious behavior. The cutter is raised in a very negative, or perhaps even an overly positive, environment.
As a child, they grow up without
learning methods of dealing with frustrating or painful emotions. Shy children may also have this problem. To the parents, they may appear successful, happy and positive.
However, they may truly be
very quiet, socially rejected loners who feel no outlet to a constant emptiness within. At the other end of the scale, growing
up in a violent home with abuse, neglect, rejection and other forms of pain, no proper coping tools are developed here, either.
The cutter is introduced to violence, drugs/alcohol, sex and other destructive behaviors. These become their only known ways
of coping. As they mature, they often will become drug abusers, alcoholics and may abuse spouses, or their own children, also.
However, if the
pain remains inside and the victim feels they must remain very secretive, they could turn to self-abuse. Interestingly enough, cutting isn't advertised like drugs and sex, nor is it as "socially-acceptable" as eating disorders.
More often than not,
it's "discovered" by accident or as an impulsive and almost instinctive response to some form of hurtful stimuli. In one example, a girl got into a fight with her mother
and went upstairs to take a shower. While she was shaving her legs, she suddenly sliced her wrists with her shaving razor
and as the blood started to trickle out, she discovered a new kind of relief; thus began her 13 years of habitual self-mutilation.
For many cutters, their pain is described as a random mess of hurt that has no past and no future. Some will be able to link their self-injury to a past event, but most will not. It's this darkest secret that will eat away at the cutter's consciousness until there's nothing left.
Digging deep into the
past is the only way to find it and free it from their mind. It may be easier for a cutter to talk to a friend or a teacher or a therapist, as opposed to a family member. Sometimes, the pain or secrets they hold
can be related to the concerned parent and trying to pry into them and find out what the problem is will only irritate the
problem more.
Sexual abuse is the top-most found factor in cutting and the most common gender of cutters - female. It seems that out of all of the horrible things a young girl can experience, cutting chooses the most painful.
Being molested or raped is
an embarrassing and shameful experience, leaving the victim hurt, alienated and exposed to the world. What they must understand is that they're not alone and that keeping it inside will make it worse.
Telling someone
they trust will get them in the direction of being happy again.
Many people don't know how
to approach someone who self-injures. Criticism, ridicule, threats and strict contracts, however, are certainly not the appropriate ways. It must be understood that someone who self-injures feels trapped and alone and incapable of expressing his or her emotions.
They've resorted to a coping mechanism that keeps them in secret, secure and alone. Exploiting them &/or attacking them for their actions will worsen the problem and may lead to worse injuries or even
a suicide attempt.
Instead, gaining
a strong and unbreakable trust is the key to helping a cutter.
Betrayal is one of the many blocks that make up the foundation of a cutter's pain. When a cutter feels they can trust you, that's a very big step. Once this is accomplished, care, love and respect are necessary, along with assuring the cutter that they'll not be left alone and that better solutions will be found.
Once a secure connection is established, it's time to let the dark and painful past spill out. Remember that painful experiences that a cutter holds on to and keeps trapped inside, will always come back and will get worse as time goes on. It's proven that getting out these bad memories and painful
pasts do a great bit of good in moving forward from self-mutilation.
Keep in mind
that you're becoming this person's "emotion journal." They're turning to you to pour out everything they have kept inside for so long. Encouragement and support are necessary to move out from the shadowed abyss of self-mutilation.
source: eqi.org
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