What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse
is the most difficult form of child abuse to verify. It
includes both verbal assaults and the withholding of positive emotional support. Although the scars may not be visible to the naked eye, emotional abuse wounds the spirit, frequently leaving its marks for a lifetime.
Victims of emotional
abuse are "hit" every day with the power of words which are demeaning, shaming, threatening, blaming, intimidating, unfairly critical or sarcastic in nature.
This form of abuse is destructive to a child’s self-confidence and self-esteem. It can affect a child’s emotional development, resulting in a sense of worthlessness and inadequacy. Some indicators of potential emotional abuse include:
- Patterned behavior that is extreme (e.g.,
lying, stealing, fighting) or is overly aggressive and acts out inappropriately;
- Is verbally abusive to others, using the same language and demeaning terms she/he has experienced.
Children who suffer emotional
abuse often grow into adults who see themselves through the eyes of their abuser. They carry a sense of inadequacy and worthlessness with them into their jobs and relationships.
Frequently, those who have experienced emotional abuse in childhood find it difficult to develop healthy, intimate relationships as adults. They may even develop antisocial behaviors which isolate them further.
It's important to recognize that emotional / verbal abuse has a powerful negative effect on children. Physical abuse is almost always accompanied by emotional abuse. We must be alert to the ways children are portrayed
in the media and words we hear being directed at them.
Breaking the cycle of emotional
abuse is a responsibility we all must share.
emotional
abuse
Keeping you
away from other people
Does your partner
get angry when you
talk on the phone?
Does he open your
mail?
Does he keep you
from seeing a friend?
Is he angry when you're just a little late getting home?
Does he want you
home when he is home?
 
Emotional Abuse
Perhaps one of
the more difficult forms of abuse to identify, emotional abuse can be described as the "willful destruction of significant
impairment of a child’s competence" (Pacer, 1990).
Emotional
abuse can include:
-
name-calling
-
ridicule
-
-
-
destroying personal possessions
-
torture or destruction of a pet
-
excessive criticism
-
inappropriate, excessive demands
-
withholding of communications
-
The victim may react by separating
him or herself from the abuser, or internalizing the abusive message.
In the case of sibling emotional abuse, the child may also redirect the abuse and abuse another sibling, or fight back by insulting and degrading the abuser (Wiehe, 1990).
Since emotional abuse involves a failure to meet the emotional needs of the child, most of the consequences are due to the psychological component of abuse.
Emotional abuse
often results in abnormal or disrupted attachment development and a tendency for the victim to blame him or herself for the abuse, leading to:
Psychological abuse
is often combined with other forms of abuse (Starr, MacLean, and Keating, 1991).
 
Wearing Her Down: Understanding
& Responding To Emotional Abuse
By Cheryl Champagne
(Excerpt from Wearing Her Down:
Understanding And Responding To Emotional Abuse. Toronto, ON: Education Wife Assault, 1999. To order the full document
online, click on Publications)
Towards a Definition of Emotional
Abuse
If asked what emotional abuse is, many people respond by naming some of the tactics – an abusive partner puts a woman down, calls her names, or refuses to talk to her. As stated earlier, even women's advocates at the Round Table
had difficulty finding the language to define emotional abuse.
It's no wonder
that women struggle to define emotional abuse as well & do so in the only way they can
– thru the telling of their experiences.
Feminist definitions &
research on violence against women initially focused on physical battering. The ground-breaking "Cycle of Violence" theory developed by Lenore Walker attempted to explain the complex dynamics
of woman abuse, but included emotional abuse only as part of the "tension building stage" (Walker, 56-66).
Emotional abuse wasn't addressed
as a force on its own, but as a precursor to physical abuse. Academic research on emotional abuse has been difficult, not only due to the absence of
a common definition, but also due to a lack of understanding of what constitutes emotional abuse in different cultural & societal contexts (Tang, 1998).
The majority of researchers
simply classify any form of abuse that doesn't fit under the category of physical violence, as emotional abuse. In a broad
sense, emotionally abusive behaviour includes criticism, humiliation, isolation, threats of abandonment, threats of harm to the woman, children or her friends or family, exploitation & financial control.
However, a description of
these abusive behaviours doesn't, on its own, provide a clear definition. Perhaps the main reason there has been a struggle to define emotional abuse, is that it's not possible or appropriate to do so outside of the context of woman abuse. In the Round Table discussion, it was recognized that to do so, is to create a false paradigm (Vivien Green). Yet how can we educate
people about emotional abuse without a definition? To understand emotional abuse, we must at first understand woman abuse.
How do we define woman abuse? Most definitions of woman abuse are comprised of two elements.
First, naming the act or acts
that are considered to be harmful & secondly, recognizing that the abuse is perpetrated by one person who has power over the other. In the case of woman abuse in heterosexual relationships, it's acknowledged that men have power over women as a societal norm.
The following definition of
"Violence Against Women" includes these factors:
Any act of verbal
or physical force, coercion, or life-threatening deprivation, directed at an individual woman or girl, that causes physical or psychological harm, humiliation or arbitrary deprivation of liberty & that perpetuates female subordination. (Heise, 3)
Another definition
adds a further dimension – that of intentionality on the part of the abuser, who perpetrates these acts against the will of the effected individual:
Conscious or deliberate
acts that cause or threaten to cause harm… They are acts that ignore or hold in contempt the voice of the affected person & that exploit a power imbalance, or that on other grounds, are contrary to the free & informed consent of the affected person. (Roeher Institute, 66)
One question not
addressed by these definitions is whether a single act constitutes abuse, vs. ongoing & repeated acts. While one act has the potential to do serious harm & shouldn't be minimized,
women report that it's the cumulative effect of repeated acts that secures the abuser's control over them.
The woman's subordination
is secured when she becomes fearful of future abuse & alters her behaviour to avoid negative reprisals from her abusive partner. These negative reprisals aren't only the fear of physical violence, as commonly believed, but of other forms of abuse that cause her to be demeaned, hurt & above all, controlled. Therefore, woman abuse & emotional abuse are one & the same:
Emotional abuse
is the repeated use of controlling and harmful behaviours by a partner to control a woman. As a result of emotional abuse,
a woman lives her life in fear and repeatedly alters her thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and denies
her needs, to avoid further abuse.
Isn't Emotional
Abuse a Part of All Relationships? Many people question whether the behaviours defined as emotional abuse are a part
of any intimate relationship. Assessment tools for emotional abuse usually include
a checklist of behaviours, such as criticism, put downs or name-calling.
These tools can be misused
if the behaviours are not examined in the context of the relationship. In particular, we must go back to the definition and
ask these questions. Is the behaviour repeated and ongoing? Is the outcome that one partner feels controlled and fearful of
the other? Does one partner regularly change their behaviour, choices or preferences in order to avoid negative reprisals?
While many people could check one or more of the tactics indicated on such tools, isolated incidents of these behaviours are
not synonymous with emotional abuse.
Another question often raised
about emotional abuse is whether it could be more aptly named as mutual
abuse.
In the beginning of a relationship,
a woman is more likely to defend herself from abuse and retaliate in an attempt to stop the abuse.
This changes over time when she recognizes that she can't stop her partner's abusive behavior.
Women themselves indicate
that their own responses may mirror their partner's abuse. However, women who are
abused by their partners are more likely to admit fault, whereas an abuser is more likely to minimize his behavior.
While women are capable of abuse, it's critical to examine the specific dynamics of the relationship and the outcome
of the individual's behavior. Women report that often their responses will not make the abuser fearful of them, but rather escalate the abuse.
Once it's established
that the woman is in a relationship where she is fearful of her partner and that he has total control over her, her responses are more accurately understood as survival skills.
Understanding the Tactics of Emotional Abuse
Although each woman's experience
of abuse is different, there are many similarities in the ways that an abuser gains and maintains control over his partner.
When women who are abused have the opportunity to come together and share their experiences, they often express amazement at the
use of similar tactics.
One woman at the
Focus Group commented, "it sounded like [we] were all married to the same guy".
The tactics of woman abuse have been compared to methods used by cults, and those holding political prisoners or hostages. NiCarthy (286) refers to several concepts by Amnesty International:
- 'monopolization of perception' - a form of mind control or
psychological brainwashing and
- 'induced debility' - the process of wearing a woman's physical
constitution down by lack of sleep, improper eating, or overwork.
Like hostages, women who are
abused have reported that their partners didn't allow them any reminders from their previous
life and insisted they throw out pictures, letters or other mementos. They were not permitted to make phone calls or their
calls were monitored. The abuser chose the information they were allowed to have and see, such as the television they watched.
Several women from the Focus
Group described the use of these tactics:
You can't go to sleep, there's always arguing
all through the night. The kids can't sleep… He would turn the lights off when I needed to study. Can't use the phone.
He would say that it was his phone … he would listen in on my conversations. He was constantly picking up the phone
and interrupting the call. That was a kind of torture. He was invading my space.
He chose nights and weekends to work. I had to
be home all the time when he called. I was at home 24 hours a day and he would call me every 20 minutes. Yet he would wake
the baby and me during the night. Once he was asleep during the day we would have to be so quiet.
The use of isolation also mirrors that of a hostage-taking situation. When a woman's abusive partner prevents her from having friends, seeing family, or going to independent activities such as work or school, she loses
contact with the outside world.
Some women have
reported how their abuser's constant surveillance sabotaged
their efforts to gain more independence, such that they would often end up quitting any activities outside the home that the abuser didn't approve of.
When an older woman's
abusive partner retires, the abuse may escalate as she finds any freedom of movement she had, is gone. Women have also related how their abusive partners
made it so uncomfortable for them in social situations, that they preferred not to attend situations where they might be embarrassed or humiliated.
The abuser
may also use more indirect forms of isolation, for example by saying that he wants her to spend all of her free time with
him because he loves her so much.
An abuser may also cut a woman off from community resources, such as medical or social services. He will exploit
any particular vulnerability that a woman has to ensure her dependence on him. A woman will be prevented from attending English classes, so that
she is not able to function in the community without his assistance.
The abusive partner of a woman with a disability may refuse to assist her to the toilet, leave her in bed or neglect her for long periods of time, and insist that she does not need additional help in the home to take care of her needs. With women who use other forms of communication, such a Blissymbolics board, an abuser may ignore her attempts to communicate altogether.
Similarly, an abuser may refuse to look at a deaf woman who uses American Sign Language when she is signing, or hold her hands to prevent her
from communicating.
Another way that
an abuser ensures his partner's dependence upon him is through control of financial resources. A woman who is a homemaker may be told she has no right to the family income, and must ask for whatever she needs.
Often, women who
work outside of the home do not have any input into financial decision making and must give their abusive partners all of
their earnings. They also indicate that they may be put on a very tight budget, even if the family income does not warrant
it. In many cases women do not even know the family income.
Abusers have also attempted
to control their partner's spirituality or use the doctrines of a church or religion to oppress her. Preventing a woman from being active
in her faith community may not only deny the woman her spirituality, but also isolate her from potential sources of support.
In Native or Aboriginal culture,
where, "spiritual abuse entails the erosion or breaking down of one's cultural or religious belief system" (National
Clearinghouse on Family Violence 1997), abused women may be prevented from
participating in traditional spiritual practices such as sweat lodges or healing circles.
Emotional abuse also involves
both verbal and non-verbal communication. Non-verbal controlling tactics include gestures, expressions and body movements.
A raised eyebrow by an abuser can give a strong message to instill fear, without anyone else recognizing or understanding the intent of the gesture. Many women are constantly challenged or criticized
on their ability to take care of the home or their children and told that they can't do anything right.
Some women indicate that if
they try to talk to the abuser about his behavior or problems in the relationship, they
will be blamed or subjected to the silent treatment for hours, days, weeks or even months on end (Papp,
56). Women are often called derogatory names by their abusive partners such
as slut or whore, and told they're stupid, fat, or ugly on a repeated or daily basis.
The
abuser draws upon the societal standards set for a woman's size and appearance; a woman's value and sexual desirability
is based on how thin, feminine and "pretty" she is.
Since men's status in society
is elevated when they are with a woman who meets the oppressive standards, they can also tell a woman convincingly that no
other man would want her. In some cases, abusers may also control what and how much a woman eats.
Women who are emotionally
abused describe "mind-games" or "crazy-making" tactics, where the abuser may
contradict a woman, fabricate stories, deny or minimize his actions, or act inconsistently:
It was also pointed out that
some men were very nice to their families including their wives when they wanted. For example, one woman related that there
was an important guest from India, the husband wanted to show off his nice family and make a good impression.
So the week before the
guests' arrival, he fulfilled everyone's demands. The child got to eat out and get some new clothes while the wife
got to send money to her brother back home (Papp, 69).
South Asian women in Canada
indicated that they received many mixed messages from their abusive partners. In some cases
they were ridiculed for not adapting to Canadian society and in other cases they would be criticized for giving up their traditional
ways (Papp, 49).
Crazy making tactics become
more effective if the woman has a history of mental illness, her partner can discount accusations
of abuse by insisting she is delusional, paranoid or mentally ill.
Frequently, abused women state that their partners tell them that no-one will believe them because they act
like a model partner in front of others.
Many abusers
use threats to reinforce their control over a woman. Examples frequently reported are threatening:
- to leave
- to kill themselves
- to kill the woman, her friends, family or children
- to harm her pets or farm animals
- to leave her penniless
- to deport her or
- to ensure that she never sees her children again
Combined with threats, intimidation tactics are used to instill fear.
An abuser
will:
- pull the phone out of the wall
- punch holes in walls
- throw objects
- break things that are important to his partner
- hover over her
- shake his fists or
- yell loudly
When they see some but not
all threats realized, women never know which threats will be carried out, making the use of threats and intimidation powerful ways of enforcing compliance (NiCarthy, 290).
When a woman has children,
her abusive partner may involve them in his control tactics.
Some women have
reported that abusive partners have attempted to undermine the children's relationship with their mother by belittling her
in front of her children or challenging her authority as a parent. Others describe how they've been blamed for any issues
involving the children, whether it's problems with their behavior, school performance or health.
In the Focus Group, one woman
related that her husband repeatedly said it was her fault that her child was born with a disability. She added that
this was often said when the child was present, so that both mother and child were subjected to his abuse.
Emotional abuse
and sexual abuse are intricately linked, as emotional abuse tactics are used to manipulate women into compliance with their abusive partner's sexual demands.
Sexual abuse, like physical abuse, is an area of woman abuse where
there may be some legal recourse, although very few women choose to utilize the criminal justice system when it occurs. It's
important to note that prior to 1982, there were no legal sanctions preventing a man from raping his wife in Canada. Simply,
it wasn't possible in law for this to occur.
The laws reflected
the societal norm that it was a woman's duty to have sex with her husband whenever he wanted it and she did not have the right
to say no. Similar beliefs still prevail and abusive partners use these beliefs to enforce
their will upon a woman, whether thru subtle or forceful means.
An abuser
may say that he wants to engage in sexual relations because he loves her and that she must prove her love to him. He may accuse
her of having sexual relations with someone else and interrogate her about other men in her life if she refuses. He
may also say that he wants to teach her how to be a good sexual partner, and insist that she view and act out pornography
to learn how to meet his sexual needs.
If a woman discloses
a history of child sexual abuse, he may suggest she liked or deserved it, or even force the woman to act out similar sexual acts. Women who live with extended
family have indicated that they were forced to have sex against their will when they were concerned about the presence of
family members (Yoshihama, 73).
Aside from direct coercion
to get women to participate in sexual activity, women with disabilities have also reported that abusers have had sex with them when they were sleeping, unconscious or heavily medicated.
Abusers control women's sexual health and reproductive choices, by refusing to engage in safe
sex practices or use contraceptives, or insisting that she have an abortion.
An abuser may also use a woman's infertility to abuse her, by demeaning her, threatening to have an affair, or threatening to divorce her (Yoshihama, 73; Papp, 46).
Many women have reported that it was easier to give in to their abusive
partner's sexual demands than be kept up all night or punished in other ways for their non-compliance. These same women may even deny being forced into having sex with their partners, because they felt they had eventually consented.
emotional abuse
Putting you down:
Humiliation
Does he call you
names like "stupid", "bitch" or "whore"?
Does he tell you
what is "wrong" w/you in front of other people?
Has he made you do
things that make you feel ashamed?
Does he say that no one else would want you or love you?
personal note: he told me,
"I'll love you just a little bit more if
you lose another 10 pounds."
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emotional abuse
Always on your
mind
Do you worry about
what he will think about your make-up? Or how you dress?
Do you ask him who
you can go see or where you can go?
Are you careful of what you say so that he'll not get upset?
Do you feel you're "walking on eggshells"?
You Carry The Cure In Your
Own Heart
by Andrew Vachss
So begins the riveting article about attorney & author Andrew
Vachss who has devoted his life to protecting children.
Emotional abuse of children
is so insidiously destructive that we couldn't do it justice in one page here. The effects of child abuse
are so long lasting & so far reaching, we highly suggest you visit
the web site of this author.
It's loaded w/articles
& pages & pages of information about the emotional, physical & sexual abuse of children.
He's described the signs & effects of child abuse so effectively
that judges have used his works to help decide their cases. Have a look at Andrew
Vachss' site:
http://www.vachss.com
The Secrets of Emotional Abuse Recovery
For Women - By Dr. Annie Kaszina
1. Sticks and stones won’t
break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive,
long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.
Being told you are “stupid”,
“ugly”, “lazy” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will
hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalise
and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your
feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.
The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you
down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.
2.
You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always
yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behaviour was caused
by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything,
because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
3. You’re
more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice,
or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel
like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what
it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgement. Your mind keeps throwing
up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you
can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.
4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have
you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologise for the hurtful things they’ve said?
Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
Does your need for them to validate your
feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?
When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings,
that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.
5. Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly
critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some
of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.
You do everything
you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you
are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll
be charmed, often he’s dismissive.
If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way,
it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship.
The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal
power, at his partner’s expense.
6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree
of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe
the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)
Fear is not part of a loving relationship,
but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.
7. You
can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds,
to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.
Whether
you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the
anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is never too late to heal.
But you do
need to work with a person or a programme specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.
Women who have suffered mental
abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly,
take up with another abusive partner.
Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs
about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they
are blocks that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language
can heal you. You can overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel
strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.
“The Woman You Want To
Be” is a unique workbook designed to accompany you on a year long journey into emotional health and happiness.
(C)
2005 Annie Kaszina
emotional abuse
Small demands
Does he demand that
dinner be served right on the minute?
Does he insist that
the house look just so?
Do you have to report
how you spend every dollar?
sound familiar?
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emotional abuse
When abuse is present, the following feelings and emotions of hurt are associated with pain and hurt...
Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including:
Women who are psychologically abused but not physically abused are 5 times more likely
to misuse alcohol than women who haven't experienced abuse.
"Those who
are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize."
Elizabeth Harrison
(strive to be an encouragement to someone you love)
Abuse can be any behavior that attempts to control or manipulate another person.
Control is
the underlying aim of verbal and emotional
abuse and in
people raised with a power hierarchy
(usually a patriarchy, sometimes a matriarchy).
The habit - the attitude - is so thoroughly ingrained in the
abuser that they honestly know no other way to feel "in control" other than to
control another person. In such families the goal is to "win," not to resolve; to "own," not to share.
Successful manipulations of other people - sometimes bewilderingly clever - are cheered by fellow family members. "What moxy!" they'll
say, or "you told her!"
Verbal and emotional abuse are the most insidious forms of abuse because, outside of the obvious name calling and yelling variety,
they're so difficult to define and describe.
The uninitiated victim of such behavior, a victim who lives by "sharing power" and cooperation, will experience hurt that ranges from confusion ("what just happened?" ) to emotional devastation and vanquishment.
The damage of verbal and emotional
abuse to the victim, everyone agrees, is longer-lasting than even severe
physical abuse.
The long-term prognosis for people who don't get away from chronic
abuse of
this type is dire, including later onset of physical and nervous disorders, addictions or sometimes worse.
Emotional abuse may be difficult to detect. Personal awareness and understanding of the issue is key to recognizing it. A pattern of the following indicators may assist in detecting emotional
abuse.
Children:
"Love, friendliness, appreciation, understanding and sympathy are forms of nourishment that no one can do without."
Dr.
Phillip Welsh author of Seven Essentials of Health
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