 
Perpetrators of Domestic Violence
There is no typical domestic violence perpetrator, but psychologists have identified some
common characteristics. Many abusers suffer from low self-esteem, and their sense of self and identity is tied to their partner.
Therefore, if abusers feel they are somehow losing the victim,
either through separation, divorce, emotional detachment, or pregnancy (fearing
victims will replace love for them with love for a child), they will lash out. If victims "leave"
through any of these methods, abusers feel they are losing power, control, and their self-identity.
This is why it is particularly
dangerous for victims during periods of separation or divorce
from their partner. Abusers will often do anything to maintain control and keep the victim under control. This dynamic also makes escalating violence inevitable, as many victims must become emotionally unavailable, or must physically leave, in order to survive.
While the public
may think of domestic violence abusers as out of control, crazy, and unpredictable, the contrary is most often true. Use of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse intermingled with periods of respite, love, and happiness are deliberate coercive tools used to generate submission.
Abusers may violently
assault, then minutes later offer words of regret. Many will buy gifts of flowers, candy and other presents in order to win favor and forgiveness. This creates a very confusing environment for victims.
Abusers may say
they will never harm their partners again, and promise to obtain help or counseling. Often, these promises are only made to prevent victims from leaving. Without getting help, the violence will most likely
recur.
The violence used by abusers is controlled and manipulative. Victims often can predict exactly when violence will erupt. Many law enforcement officers have commented on their surprise
at finding significant evidence of a violent incident, a harmed victim, and a composed perpetrator casually speaking with
officers as if nothing occurred.
Finally, many victims describe domestic violence perpetrators as having a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality. Abusers often experience dramatic mood swings of
highs and lows. They may be loving one minute, and spiteful and cruel the next.
Abusers are frequently characterized by those outside
the home as generous, caring, and good, and behave drastically differently in their home environment. Perpetrators of domestic violence are rarely violent to those outside of their domicile.
Common Characteristics of Abusers (adapted)
- He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
- He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations & arguments.
- Abusers are extremely possessive & jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
- His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive & dependent on him.
- Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people.
- Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
- He has low self-esteem.
- He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) & will not compromise.
- He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite.
- He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
- He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner.
- He wouldn't be drunk if she didn't nag him so much.
- He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do.
- He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him.
- Or he agrees to get counseling & then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through.
- He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.
- He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally
cruel.
- A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others.
- He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
- The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate
to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other.
- This is especially true when he's angry.
- He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other, often his mother.
The Mind of the Abuser
By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
First published on Spousal Abuse and Domestic Violence on Suite101
Important Comment
Most abusers are men. Still, some are women. We use the masculine and feminine adjectives
and pronouns ('he", his", "him", "she", her") to designate both sexes: male and female as the case may be.
To embark
on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on a taxonomy of abusive
behaviors. Methodically observing abuse is the surest
way of getting to know the perpetrators.
Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters – outdoors, they are wonderful, caring, giving, and much-admired pillars of the community.
Why this duplicity?
just in case you need to know! what is du·plic·i·ty ?
(not
part of the article)
1. Doubleness; a twofold state. [Archaic]
Do not affect
duplicities nor triplicities, nor any certain number of parts in your division of things. --I. Watts.
2. Doubleness of heart or speech; insincerity; a sustained form of deception which consists in entertaining or pretending
to entertain one of feelings, and acting as if influenced by another;
bad faith.
Far from the
duplicity wickedly charged on him, he acted his part with alacrity and resolution. --Burke.
It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser's acts. More importantly, it reflects his inner world, where the victims are nothing but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid
of emotions and needs, or mere extensions of his self. Thus, to the abuser's mind, his quarries do not merit humane treatment, nor do they evoke empathy.
Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his worldview. The victim – and his victimizers
– don't realize that something is wrong with the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive. It permeates other spheres of the abuser's life as well. Such people are
often narcissists – steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality, besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of omnipotence, omniscience, entitlement, and paranoia.
just in case you need to know the meaning of:
om·nip·o·tence
(not part of the article)
1. One having
unlimited power or authority
om·nis·cient
1. One having total knowledge
en·ti·tle·ment
1. right granted by law or contract (especially a right to benefits)
par·a·noi·a
1. Psychiatry.
a mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to
the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be
performed in self-defense or as a mission
2. baseless or
excessive suspicion of the motives of others
Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and his prey usually suffer from disturbances in the regulation of their sense of
self-worth. Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence render the abuser – and his confabulated self – vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure, and adversity – real or imagined.
Abuse is
bred by fear –
fear of:
It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.
In her seminal tome,
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:
- withholding (the silent treatment)
- countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's
statements or actions)
- discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions,
experiences, hopes & fears)
- sadistic & brutal humor
- blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting
the conversation, changing the subject)
- blaming & accusing
- judging & criticizing
- undermining & sabotaging
- threatening
- name calling
- forgetting & denying
- ordering around
- denial
- abusive anger
To these we can add:
In his comprehensive essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes", Lundy
Bancroft observes:
"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim.
Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand
up for their rights, he defines as aggression AGAINST him.
He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized.
He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim
does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple 'abuse each other' and that
the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful'."
Yet, whatever
the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of the interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim
are the same. Identifying these patterns – and how they are influenced by prevailing social and cultural
mores, values, and beliefs – is a first and indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.
The Mind of the Abuser
AUTHOR BIO:
Sam
Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for
Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior
Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
|
 |
|
Child Sexual Abusers
Perpetrators of child
sexual abuse come from different age groups, genders, races and socio- economic backgrounds.
Women sexually abuse children, although
not as frequently as men, and juvenile perpetrators comprise as many as 1/3 of the offenders (Finkelhor, 1994).
One common denominator is that victims frequently know and trust their abusers.
Child abusers coerce children by offering attention or gifts, manipulating or threatening their victims, using aggression or employing a combination of these tactics. "[D]ata indicate that child molesters are frequently aggressive.
Of 250 child victims
studied by DeFrancis, 50% experienced physical force, such as being held down, struck, or shaken violently" (Becker, 1994).
How To Identify a Potential Abuser
Person's Past:
- Was person abused as a child?
- Was this person's mother abused when they were a child?
Person's Responsibility & Anger Level:
- Does person refuse to take responsibility for their actions?
- Does person minimize their negative behavior?
- Does person lose their temper easily?
- Does person talk about violence or suggest it as an option?
- Does person talk about situations where they're always in control?
- Does person talk about incidents where their behavior could be considered unusual and/or cruel?
- Does there appear to be an extreme to person's kindness or cruelty?
Person's Possessiveness:
Person's Attitude Toward Opposite Sex:
- Does person talk about the role of man as the traditionalist, male supremacy & submission of the wife
or she talk about how women have been taken advantage of & abused?
- Does person expect you to take all their advice?
- Does person display jealousy? Is person jealous of strangers, family members, everyone?
Person's Personality:
Person's Manipulation & Control:
- Does person want you to lie about them to friends & family?
- Does person want you to keep financials secret from friends & family?
- Does person take control of your money & charge cards while dating?
- Does person try to impress you with their family's success?
- Is it difficult to check on person's past?
Person's Inability to Relate on an Intimate Level:
- Does person lack intimacy in sex?
- Does person exhibit voyeurism?
- Does person continually request / demand things sexually that you're not comfortable with?
- Does person demand frequent sex?
How You Respond to this Person: Do you spend too much energy on trying NOT to make this person angry?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
