Verbal Abuse

Women as Victims of Verbal Abuse

© 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD
michele@mtoomey.com
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Liberation Psychology & You)

As members of the "weaker" sex, women have suffered the violence of physical abuse from the "stronger" sex.

They've even suffered it at the hands of stronger women. Although there's not nearly enough of an outcry over this violence against women, at least there's a shared sense that it's wrong.

Not so with verbal abuse. It leaves no visible wounds or scars & can be hidden or denied with hardly a 2nd thought. Unfortunately, verbal attacks aren't predominantly done by men.

Since they require no physical prowess (although it helps, since it increases the fear & intimidation), verbal abuse can be as violent & as destructive when done by women as when done by men.

And there's no great public outcry against it & certainly no laws making it illegal to verbally slice another, or especially a woman, to pieces & leave her emotionally bleeding.  

Fathers & husbands can roar at daughters & wives, berating, belittling & pounding them into submission w/out being confronted or jailed. There's also a sad legacy of mothers verbally bullying & deriding daughters that goes virtually unaddressed.

It's long overdue that we force ourselves to look at the suffering & devastation that verbal abuse exacts & draw the line on tolerating it. The fear & pain aren't as hidden as we would pretend.

It can be seen & felt in the eyes & in the faces of the emotionally abused, without a word being uttered. Imagine what we could know if we actually talked about it.

It's the climate of pretense, denial & hiddenness that fosters the self-abuse that women get caught in when they've been victims of others' verbal abuse. My focus will be on this dangerous side effect, the abused woman's abuse of herself.

This is a very deliberate choice on my part, because psychological oppression, unlike physical oppression, only works if we participate in it & psychological liberation occurs only when we liberate ourselves.

We're not in charge of anyone else's liberation, but we're definitely in charge of our own.

Sadly, if we're abused in childhood we tend to learn abuse & imitate the hostility directed at us. We may or may not abuse others, but almost surely we'll have learned to abuse ourselves.

We must, therefore, look at the way victims not only become victimized, but victimizers, first of themselves & then, sometimes, of others. As women, were members of the traditionally viewed "inferior" & "weaker" sex.

Verbal abuse directed at girls & women has a greater chance of hurting our self-image & damaging our self-esteem, because we're already coming from a lesser position & a smaller "box". Male approval & male protection is subliminally, or even blatantly, communicated to us as a necessity for a safe & happy life.  

Even if we know better, we don't tend to want to fail that test. So, abusive men are very dangerous to women. On the other hand, if other women attack, deride or ridicule us, we're left to wonder what's so wrong with us that even women abuse us.

We again question our own worth & worthiness. There's no easy escape route for women, out of the low self-esteem even self-hatred pit, when abuse is present.  

Women, therefore, are very vulnerable to verbal abuse & pay a devastatingly high price for it. The inner voice of an emotionally abused woman isn't only a voice of pain, suffering & anger, it's also the voice of an alienated woman who blames herself for how she's treated.

For every harangue from others, there's most often a matching harangue from herself. Self-loathing becomes the source of her own self-abuse.

Violators can die or be divorced or moved away from & abused women are often still not free. The abuser has become herself.  

This isn't a new revelation & still we tolerate verbal abuse. Why?

Why do we as a society continue to deny the ravaging effects on anyone, but especially for our focus here, on women, of verbal innuendos, attacks, ridicule & derision?

Because we're afraid of exposure & we feel safer with hiddenness. We know so much more about psychological torment than we ever reveal. Coldness & silence, withdrawal & ignoring aren't foreign tools of torture either.

We know their power to devastate & create a feeling of powerlessness & panic just as we know the power of openly hostile acts.  

Workplaces as well as homes can be emotionally abusive, only the style may change. At work, we excuse our tolerance for abuse by saying we fear we'll lose our job if we confront the abuser.

At home, we excuse our tolerance because it's none of our business, if we aren't the one being abused & if we're the target of the abuse, we deny our own power to free ourselves.  

We have the "someday my prince will come" complex, that looks to another to rescue us or rescue others, but we don't look to ourselves. Herein lies the rub.

The only way for a victim of verbal abuse to be freed is to free herself. Both the victimizing "other" & the victimizing "self" must be confronted.

Both must be stopped. If all else fails, separating from the abusive other will stop that abuse.  

Since we can't separate from ourselves, we're left to convert the hostile energy directed at & against us, to strong energy working for us. This is a complex process that takes commitment, courage & "know how".  

The commitment must be to ourselves & our psychological liberation.

The courage must be to face directly the forces within us that believed what was said to us & about us & confront their hostility & bullying tactics, demanding that they stop.

The "know how" is the psychology & the tools needed to convert the hostile energy into excited energy for a life fueled by desire not fear or anger.

This isn't easy, because victims become believers & imitators of the hostility to such an extent that self-doubt & self-blame, even self-hatred, become second nature.  

To free themselves, victims must draw upon all 3 elements:

• commitment
• courage 
• "know how", with a depth of conviction & determination known only to the violated. Without it, there will be continued whining, complaining, crying, describing, repeating, but never moving & liberation.

Therapy would be my strongest recommendation for the committed, courageous women who want to learn how to free themselves.

It would also be a good thing to join a group where discussions & sharing & caring are directed toward freeing yourself.

Don't join a group where describing your plight & staying in it brings sympathy without movement.  

Liberation psychology is designed to teach us the principles of the inner world & how to live with integrity in this world. Reading, studying & discussing what I've written would be a most helpful tool.

It's hard work to free ourselves from the emotional attachment to psychological abuse, but it's the greatest gift you could ever give yourself.

May you have the necessary commitment & courage needed to do the work required to psychologically liberate yourself.

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out
On Relationship & Recovery
Patricia Evans

" If you're on an emotional roller coaster, being put down, feeling:

• confused
• hurt
• thrown off balance
• experiencing frequent small shocks
• feeling stunned
• wondering how you could be hearing what you're hearing
• wondering what you could have said or done
• feeling isolated
• being called names
• disparaged or subtly cut to the quick

& you've sought to nurture & understand the relationship - if your experience was negated, the experiences of the women in this book will resonate with you." page 10      

Abusive men - stop at nothing - to:

• squelch
• put down
• correct
• criticize
• belittle
• trivialize
• snub
• sneer at

& when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate & control their mates." page 26 [my emphasis]       

Survivors tell us that verbal abuse always lowers self-esteem, no matter how much they may try to ignore it.

The survivors of verbal abuse consistently reported that they came to believe what they were hearing." page 27

Methods of control (pages 33-38)

1. Controlling her time

• "If she tells him she's unhappy about the incident, he'll usually deny that it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight."

2. Controlling her space

• "Controlling her social space by limiting her contacts with friends, i.e., saying she's not home when she is, or by refusing to allow her to invite others over."

• "Controlling her intellectual space by using elaborate arguments to wear her down in a discussion or by interrupting her."

• "Invading her quiet time, i.e., by talking to her when she wants to be alone."

• "Invading her privacy, demanding details of her activities, or opening her mail or packages."

• "Interrupting her sleep."

• "Pressuring her to have sex."

3. Controlling her material resources

• ". . . by withholding general information & financial information as well as by withholding money, or work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting" "

4. Controlling with body language & gestures

• Sulking

• Refusing to talk

• Withdrawing affection

• Strutting & posturing

• Stomping out

• Walking away

• Hitting something

• Kicking something

• Driving recklessly

5. Controlling by defining her reality

6. Controlling by defining her motivations

7. Controlling by assigning status

"Each time he gets her to "back down," that is, comply & give up trying to reason with him, he believes he has won." page 39

"Anyone who verbally abuses another does so to maintain some form of control over the other & to keep his own feelings of powerlessness under control. The abuser is often so used to relating to his mate in an abusive way that it doesn't even occur to him that he is being abusive. Some men who are learning how to stop verbally abusing their mates have said that it seems as though disparaging or even cruel comments have become a routine, almost automatic way of behaving." page 3

"The abuser is often so good at control that he can turn his intimidating displays on & off in order to continue to "look good" to the outside world." page 40

Techniques of the Verbal Abuser (pages 40-42)

1. Withholding

By withholding, the verbal abuser is saying,

• I've got something you want & I can withhold it from you. Therefore, I'm in control.
• Or, If I don't respond, if I refuse to answer, I can control the outcome, that is, I can maintain the status quo.
• I can be sure that there will be no change. I don't have to ask. I don't say "no." I don't have to say "yes."
• I don't have to be vulnerable. I can stay in control & therefore risk nothing.

2. Countering

By countering his partner, the verbal abuser is saying,

• I can think for both of us.
• What you think is wrong.
• What I think is right.
• If I can get you to doubt yourself, I can control you more easily.

3. Discounting

By discounting his partner's perceptions, the verbal abuser is saying,

• I can decree the worthlessness of your perceptions & actions.
• I am not accountable.
• I can stay in control.

4. "Joking" - "Teasing"

By telling his partner that the abuse is only a joke, the verbal abuser is saying,

• I feel so up putting you down that I never want to give it up, so I decree that my comments are humorous - I'm in control.
• I can say what I want.

5. Blocking & diverting      

By thwarting his partner, the verbal abuser is saying:

• I don't accept any responsibility to respond to you as a rational person, so I can change the conservation at will.
• I am in control.

6. Accusing & blaming

By blaming his partner for his abuse of her, the verbal abuser is saying:

• You're to blame for your pain & for everything I say or do to you & for everything that isn't the way I want it to be, so I don't have to stop my behavior.
• I'm in control.

7. Judging & criticizing

By judging & criticizing his partner, the verbal abuser is saying:

• When I tell you what's wrong with your thoughts & actions, I put myself in charge of you & therefore in control of you.

8. Trivializing

By pretending that his partner, or her actions or perceptions or opinions or thoughts or concerns, are less than they are, the verbal abuser is saying:

• When you see how insignificant you are, I'll have more power over you.

9. Undermining

By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying:

• When I erode your confidence & lessen your determination, you're easier to control.

10. Threatening

With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying:

• I have Power Over you.
• I am in control.
• Do as I say. If you don't, I'll . . .
• or if you don't, you might get hurt 

implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall.

11. Name calling

By calling names, the abuser is saying:

• You don't exist.
• You're annihilated, you're now BLANK.
• Now that you're wiped out, I'm in control, just like in a war.

12. Forgetting

When the abuser regularly forgets appointments, agreements &/or incidents, he is saying:

• I'm in control of your time, energy, or reality & I don't have to be accountable because I'm in control.

13. Ordering & demanding

With these direct displays of control, the verbal abuser is saying:

• I have a right to assert Power Over you in an overt act of control.
• If all the other intimidating behaviors achieved my goal, you'll do as I demand.

14. Denial

By denying all of his abusive behavior, the abuser is saying:

• I can keep everything exactly as it is, with you under my control.
• I will not be held accountable."

15. Abusive Anger

By being abusively angry, the abuser is saying:

• As long as I am scary & threatening to you I can have my way.

Regarding blaming the victim: "For many years women have been devalued simply for being female & having had their work devalued as well." page 78       

• "She must come to realize that the abuse has nothing to do with her." page 78      

Regarding the blame game:      

• "He would wound. She couldn't say "Stop it" or "That hurts!"
• If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her "like dead meat on a hook."
• So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was "gone" to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I'm protected.
• He would then apologize to win her back.
• She would accept.
• The cycle could begin again at any moment.

What this couple had done is take the concept of blame & make her guilty of blaming if she dared let him know he was abusing her. The one thing the abuser wants most is for his partner to take responsibility for his feelings - just as the rapist wants his victim to be blamed for his violence.

Even more astonishing is that in order to reinforce her agreement to endure her pain without flinching or revealing it (other than by saying, "I'm protected") the woman seemed to believe that is she expressed her pain by crying out, "That hurts!" she would be "being a victim."

This fit nicely with her abuser's desire to inflict pain without having to hear a complaint.

Thus, the person actually being protected was the abuser." page 82-83

10 Common Traps (pages 113)

1. The Explaining Trap: Victims often feel that "It's equally incomprehensible that the abuse has nothing to do with her." If she can just explain things right, he'll see her side. It only gives him more ammunition.

2. The "If You Feel Your Pain, You're A Victim" Trap

3. The "He Doesn't Really Mean It so It Shouldn't Hurt" Trap

4. The "I Should Be Able to Take It" Trap

5. The "Saying 'I'm Hurt' Is Blaming" Trap

6. The "Setting a Good Example" Trap

7. The "I Am Responsible" Trap

8. The "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" Trap

9. Emotional & Financial Traps

from a letter by L.D., Loveland, Co: "For the longest time I felt if I just did this or that "things" would be better. Not! He'd just change his method of abuse. Every time I told him he was hurting me _he'd do something worse."_ [my emphasis]

10. Trapped by Beliefs

Notes specifically Christian beliefs that bind two people together forever