Sexual Abuse

Exploitation of a child for the sexual gratification of an adult encompasses the terms child sexual abuse, assault and exploitation (Pacer, 1990). This definition also applies to the abuse of a child by those not legally considered adults.

It may include one or more of the following:

• obscene language

• pornography

• exposure

• fondling

• molesting

• oral sex

• intercourse

• sodomy

Contrary to popular belief, the perpetrator of sexual abuse isn't the stranger and "dirty old man" of myths; he's usually someone that's known to the child.

All too common, it’s occurrence has been estimated between 6% and 45%. Effects are numerous and can be long-term.

They range from:

• depression and low self-esteem 

• post traumatic stress disorder

• multiple personality and borderline syndromes

Frequency and duration have been identified to mediate the effects of the abuse; longer duration and higher frequency have been correlated with greater trauma (Wyatt, Newcomb & Riederle, 1993).

29% of female rape victims in America were younger than 11 when they were raped (National Center for Victims of Crime & Crime Victims Research and Treatment Center, 1992).

According to: The National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse's annual survey, state child protective agencies received 218,820 reports of child sexual abuse in 1996 (Wang & Daro, 1997). (Calculated by multiplying the estimated number of reported child victims (3,126,000) by the percentage of sexual abuse cases (7%).)

In the US, at least 20% of women and 5% to 10% of men were sexually abused as children (Finkelhor, 1994).

Overview

Child sexual abuse has been at the center of unprecedented public attention during the last decade. All 50 states and the District of Columbia have enacted statutes identifying child sexual abuse as criminal behavior (Whitcomb, 1986).

This crime encompasses different types of sexual activity, including:

• voyeurism

• sexual dialogue

• fondling

• touching of the genitals

• vaginal, anal or oral rape 

• forcing children to participate in pornography or prostitution

Child Sexual Abusers

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse come from different:

• age groups
• genders
• races 
• socio-economic backgrounds

Women sexually abuse children, although not as frequently as men and juvenile perpetrators comprise as many as 1/3 of the offenders (Finkelhor, 1994).

One common denominator is that victims frequently know and trust their abusers.

Child abusers coerce children by:

• offering attention or gifts
• manipulating or threatening their victims
• using aggression 
• employing a combination of these tactics

"[D]ata indicates that child molesters are frequently aggressive.

Of 250 child victims studied by DeFrancis, 50% experienced physical force, such as:

• being held down
• struck
• shaken violently (Becker, 1994).

Child Sexual Abuse Victims

Studies haven't found differences in the prevalence of child sexual abuse among different social classes or races.

However, parental inadequacy, unavailability, conflict and a poor parent-child relationship are among the characteristics that distinguish children at risk of being sexually abused (Finkelhor, 1994).

According to the Third National Incidence Study, girls are sexually abused 3 times more often than boys, whereas boys are more likely to die or be seriously injured from their abuse (Sedlak & Broadhurst, 1996).

Both boys and girls are most vulnerable to abuse between the ages of 7 and 13 (Finkelhor, 1994).

Incest

Incest traditionally describes sexual abuse in which the perpetrator and victim are related by blood.

However, incest can also refer to cases where the perpetrator and victim are emotionally connected (Crnich & Crnich, 1992).

"[I]ntrafamily perpetrators constitute from 1/3 to 1/2 of all perpetrators against girls and only about 1/10 to 1/5 of all perpetrators against boys.

There's no question that intrafamily abuse is more likely to go on over a longer period of time and in some of its forms, particularly parent-child abuse, has been shown to have more serious consequences" (Finkelhor, 1994).

Incest and Child Sexual Abuse: Definitions, Perpetrators, Victims and Effects - By Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist

Definition of Child Sexual Abuse

Child sexual abuse is any form of sexual activity with a child by an adult, or by another child where there's no consent or consent isn't possible; or by another child who has power over the child. By this definition, it is possible for a child to be sexually abused by another child who is younger than they are.

Sexual abuse includes, but is not limited to:

• showing a child pornographic materials

• placing the child's hand on another person's genitals

• touching a child's genitals

• &/or penetration of any orifice of a child's body (mouth, vagina, anus) with a penis, finger, or an object of any sort

Penetration doesn't have to occur for it to be sexual abuse.

Symptoms of Child Sexual Abuse

Consequences of Child Sexual Abuse

Consequences of child sexual abuse range "from chronic depression to low self-esteem to sexual dysfunction to multiple personalities.

1/5 of all victims develop serious long-term psychological problems, according to the American Medical Association.

These may include:

• dissociative responses
• other signs of post-traumatic-stress syndrome
• chronic states of arousal
• nightmares
• flashbacks
• venereal disease 
• anxiety over sex or exposure of the body during medical exams" ("Child Sexual Abuse . . .," 1993).

Cycle of Violence

Children who are abused or neglected are more likely to become criminal offenders as adults.

A National Institute of Justice study found "that childhood abuse increased the odds of future delinquency and adult criminality overall by 40%" (Widom, 1992).

Child sexual abuse victims are also at risk of becoming ensnared in this cycle of violence. One expert estimates that 40% of sexual abusers were sexually abused as children (Vanderbilt, 1992).

In addition, victims of child sexual abuse are 27.7 times more likely to be arrested for prostitution as adults than non-victims. (Widom, 1995). Some victims become sexual abusers or prostitutes because they have a difficult time relating to others except on sexual terms.

Stopping the Cycle of Violence

With early detection and appropriate treatment, society can prevent some victimized children from becoming adult perpetrators.

In order to intervene early in abuse, parents should educate their children about appropriate sexual behavior and how to feel comfortable saying no (American Humane Association Children's Division, 1993).

Although about 40% of untreated nonincest offenders recidivate, studies have found that treatment can successfully decrease recidivism rates (Becker, 1994).

Depo-Provera and other pharmacological treatments can decrease sexual thoughts, urges or drives by lowering male sexual offenders' testosterone levels. This method is sometimes referred to as chemical castration.

Offenders' inappropriate attraction to children can be diminished by behavioral modification techniques, such as aversive conditioning, masturbatory satiation and covert sensitization. Psychological treatment such as psychotherapy and counseling can help offenders understand their behavior and identify its origins (Groth & Oliveri, 1989).

Steps must be taken to ensure that perpetrators don't attack again once the criminal justice system's punitive measures have taken their course. All states and the federal government have enacted versions of Megan's Law that require community notification and sex offender registration.

Under these laws, authorities are required to notify communities when sex offenders move in. In some cases, law enforcement agencies make the notification while the offender is responsible in others. Registration laws require offenders to provide information such as name and address to a law enforcement agency. The FBI maintains a nationwide sex offender registry (Walsh, 1997).

Child Sexual Abuse Reporting

Children may resist reporting sexual abuse because they're afraid of angering the offender, blame themselves for the abuse or feel guilty and ashamed.

In order to increase reporting, parents and adults who interact with children, such as school personnel, teachers, counselors, child care workers, Boy and Girl Scout troop leaders and coaches, should be educated about the behavioral and physical symptoms of child sexual abuse (American Humane Association Children's Division, 1995).

Children are more likely to reveal sexual abuse when talking to someone who appears to 'already know' and isn't judgmental, critical or threatening.

They also tend to disclose when they believe continuation of the abuse will be unbearable; they're physically injured; or they receive sexual abuse prevention information.

Other reasons may be to protect another child or if pregnancy is a threat ("Child Sexual Abuse . . .", 1993).

Recovery from Child Sexual Abuse

Once a child discloses the abuse, an appropriate response is extremely important to the child's healing process. The adult being confided in should encourage the victim to talk freely, reassure the child that he or she isn't to blame and seek medical and psychological assistance. Family members may also benefit from mental health services (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 1992).

Legal Action

Suspicions of child sexual abuse should be reported to a child protective services agency or law enforcement agency. Local child protection agencies investigate intrafamilial abuse and the police investigate extrafamilial abuse. The law requires professionals who work with children to report suspected neglect or abuse.

In addition to reporting child sexual abuse to the authorities, victims can sue their abusers in civil court to recover monetary damages or win other remedies (Crnich & Crnich, 1992).

Many states have extended their criminal and civil statutes of limitation for child sexual abuse cases (National Center for Victims of Crime, 1995).

In addition, the delayed discovery rule suspends the statutes of limitation if the victim had repressed all memory of the abuse or was unaware that the abuse caused current problems (Crnich & Crnich, 1992).

Is Your Child Safe From Sexual Abuse Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, CSW, CRT, CCH, Ph.D.

For many decades we've screamed, ranted, condemned, demanded and enacted legislation to punish perpetrators for sexual abuse of children to little avail.

The news media and magazines have joined in the campaign to illuminate the problem after the damage is done. As a result of the media’s coverage of ‘strangers’ sexually abusing children we've come to believe if we teach our children about ‘stranger danger,’ we've thoroughly protected our children from this horrific crime.

Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

Survivors of child sexual abuse use coping mechanisms to deal with the horror of the abuse.

One such mechanism, protective denial, entails repressing some or all of the abuse. This may cause significant memory gaps that can last months or even years. Victims also use dissociative coping mechanisms, such as becoming numb, to distance themselves from the psychological and physiological responses to the abuse. They may also turn to substance abuse, self-mutilation and eating disorders.

In order to recover, adult survivors must adopt positive coping behaviors, forgive themselves and relinquish their identities as survivors (Sgroi, 1989). The healing process can begin when the survivor acknowledges the abuse. When working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse, therapists should consider the survivor's feeling of security and the personal and professional ramifications of disclosure.

Societal influences play a big role in the recovery process. Although males are raised to shoulder responsibility for what happens to them, male victims need to understand that the victimization wasn't their fault. Only then can they begin to accept that they weren't responsible for the abuse (Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse, 1990).

Definition

Sexual assault takes many forms including attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent.

Some types of sexual acts which fall under the category of sexual assault include:

• forced sexual intercourse (rape)
• sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts)
• child molestation
• incest
• fondling
• attempted rape

Sexual assault in any form is often a devastating crime. Assailants can be strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family members. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure or tricks. Whatever the circumstances, no one asks or deserves to be sexually assaulted.

Overview

In most jurisdictions, the term sexual assault has replaced the term rape in the state statutes. This was done to be more gender-neutral and to cover more specific types of sexual victimization and various levels of coercion.

i.e., some state codes define Sexual Assault in the First Degree or Aggravated Sexual Assault as physically or psychologically forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration - which has typically been thought of as rape.

Sexual Abuse, Sexual Misconduct, Sodomy, Lascivious Acts, Indecent Contact and Indecent Exposure are all examples of possible sexual assault charges.

Basically, almost any sexual behavior a person hasn't consented to that causes that person to feel uncomfortable, frightened or intimidated is included in the sexual assault category.

The law generally assumes that a person doesn't consent to sexual conduct if he or she is forced, threatened or is unconscious, drugged, a minor, developmentally disabled, chronically mentally ill, or believe they're undergoing a medical procedure.

Some examples of sexual assault include:

• Someone putting their finger, tongue, mouth, penis or an object in or on your vagina, penis or anus when you don’t want them to

• Someone touching, fondling, kissing or making any unwanted contact with your body

• Someone forcing you to perform oral sex or forcing you to receive oral sex

• Someone forcing you to masturbate, forcing you to masturbate them, or fondling and touching you

• Someone forcing you to look at sexually explicit material or forcing you to pose for sexually explicit pictures

• A doctor, nurse, or other health care professional giving you an unnecessary internal examination or touching your sexual organs in an unprofessional, unwarranted and inappropriate manner

Reactions of Sexual Assault Victims

Since every person & situation is different, victims of sexual assault will respond to an assault in different ways. Many factors can influence an individual’s response to & recovery from, sexual assault.

These may include:

• the age & developmental maturity of the victim
• the social support network available to the victim
• the victim’s relationship to the offender
• the response to the attack by police, medical personnel & victim advocates
• the response to the attack by the victim’s loved ones
• the frequency, severity & duration of the assault(s)
• the setting of the attack
• the level of violence & injury inflicted
• the response by the criminal justice system
• community attitudes & values
• the meaning attributed to the traumatic event by the sexual assault survivor (Koss & Harvey, 1991)

Some survivors of sexual assault will find they can recover relatively quickly, while others will feel the lasting effects of their victimization throughout their lifetime.

Possible Physical Effects of Sexual Assault

• Pain
• Injuries
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Headaches

Possible Emotional/Psychological Effects of Sexual Assault

• Shock / denial
• Irritability / anger
• Depression
• Social withdrawal
• Numbing / apathy (detachment, loss of caring)
• Restricted affect (reduced ability to express emotions)
• Nightmares/flashbacks
• Difficulty concentrating
• Diminished interest in activities or sex
• Loss of self-esteem
• Loss of security / loss of trust in others
• Guilt / shame / embarrassment
• Impaired memory
• Loss of appetite
• Suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide & death)
• Substance Abuse
• Psychological disorders

Possible Physiological Effects of Sexual Assault

• Hypervigilance (always being "on your guard")
• Insomnia
• Exaggerated startle response (jumpiness)
• Panic attacks
• Eating problems / disorders
• Self-mutilation (cutting, burning or otherwise hurting oneself)
• Sexual dysfunction (not being able to perform sexual acts)
• Hyperarousal (exaggerated feelings / responses to stimuli)

In addition to these effects, a survivor of sexual assault may develop Rape-related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD). According to the National Women’s Study, nearly 1/3 of all rape victims develop RR-PTSD sometime during their lifetimes (National Center for Victims of Crime & Crime Victims Research & Treatment Center, 1992).

PTSD is a mental health disorder primarily characterized by chronic anxiety, depression & flashbacks which develop after experiencing significant trauma such as combat, natural disaster or violent crime victimization.

RR-PTSD is diagnosed by a mental health professional when the biological, psychological & social effects of trauma are severe enough to have impaired a survivor’s social & occupational functioning (Allen, 1995 p.169).

For more information on RR-PTSD & Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, please refer to the Get Help Series bulletins entitled, Rape-related Posttraumatic Stress Disorder & Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

If an Individual is Sexually Assaulted

It's important that the victim of sexual assault understand that no matter where they were, the time of day or night assaulted, what they were wearing, or what they said or did, if they didn't want the sexual contact, then the assault was in no way their fault.

Persons who commit sexual assault do so out of a need to control, dominate, abuse & humiliate. Sexual assault is the articulation of aggression thru sex & has little to do with passion, lust, desire, or sexual arousal.

Survivors of sexual assault, as stated earlier, react in many different ways following the assault(s).

Whatever the reaction, it may be helpful for the victim of sexual assault to call a friend, relative, partner, the police, or an advocate specifically trained in assisting victims of sexual assault. Some prosecutor’s offices, police departments & every local sexual assault program have trained advocates who work with sexual assault victims & can provide a variety of services including:

• Accompaniment to the hospital, during the rape exam & to the police station;
• Information about reporting procedures & what to expect;
• Legal advocacy & court accompaniment
• Emergency crisis intervention, counseling & referrals
• Counseling for the victim’s partner, spouse or family
• Assistance in finding care for children
• Information about sexually transmitted diseases, HIV & pregnancy testing.
• Immediately after an assault, it's most important that the victim find a safe place, such as a neighbor or friend’s house, police station, or hospital.

If the assault occurred in the home, the house should be secured as soon as possible by locking all the doors & windows.

If a survivor is hurt, it's imperative to immediately dial 911 to request an ambulance or have a trusted friend or relative transport the survivor to the nearest medical facility for evaluation & treatment.

Reporting the Assault(s)

The decision to report a sexual assault lies within the discretion of the sexual assault survivor. If a sexual assault survivor plans to report the assault to law enforcement, it's crucial for evidentiary reasons that they don't:

• Shower, bathe, or douche
• Throw away any clothes that were worn at the time of the assault
• Brush or comb their hair
• Use the restroom
• Brush their teeth or gargle
• Put on makeup
• Clean or straighten up the crime scene
• Eat or drink anything

If planning to report, it may prove helpful for the survivor to immediately write down everything they can remember about the assault including:

• what the assailant(s) looked like (e.g., height, weight, scars, tattoos, hair color, clothes)
• any unusual odor
• any noticeable signs of intoxication
• anything the assailant(s) said during the assault
• what kinds of sexual activities were demanded &/or carried out
• what kinds of weapons, threats or physical force were used
• any special traits noticed (e.g., limp, speech impediments, use of slang, lack of erection, etc.) (Johnson, 1985)

Writing it down will not only aid the survivor in recalling details should they be required to testify, but it also gives the sexual assault survivor an active role in the investigation, which can allow for a feeling of empowerment and an element of control in a situation where control had previously been taken away.

The survivor who reports the assault to the authorities will most likely have to undergo a sexual assault forensic examination, sometimes called a "rape kit."

During this procedure a doctor or nurse will collect the evidence necessary to establish that a crime occurred & if possible, establish who committed the crime. To do so, the nurse or doctor will perform an internal examination (either vaginally, anally or both) taking swabs of any secretions left by the perpetrator & will do the same to the victim’s mouth if any oral contact was made during the assault.

In addition, samples of the victim’s hair & pubic hair will be plucked from the root & many times several hairs need to be collected so some discomfort will be felt. The pubic hair will also be combed thru to collect any foreign hair, secretions, or matter.

The clothes the victim was wearing will be held as evidence also, so it's a good idea for the survivor to bring along a change of clothes to the hospital. A series of photographs will also be taken of the victim, including anywhere there are bruises, scrapes or cuts.

A victim who chooses to report the assault will probably be asked to describe their victimization in detail to several different officers & investigators. The survivor may also have to tell a nurse what happened & may want to share their feelings with an advocate.

If the case is pursued, at a later date the survivor will be interviewed by the prosecutor’s office & may have to take part in different hearings in which the victim is asked questions about the assault. The sexual assault survivor who plans to prosecute should know it may take months or years for a case to go to trial, so he or she should be prepared to talk about their victimization many times before ever having to testify before a trial jury or judge.

It's the fear of intrusive & re-victimizing court procedures that prevent many sexual assault survivors from reporting their assault(s). Only 31.7% of rapes & sexual assaults in 1994 were reported to police (Ringel, 1997).

Many factors contribute to under-reporting including shame & embarrassment, self-blame, fear of media exposure, fear of further injury or retaliation & fear of a legal system that often puts the victim’s behavior & history on trial. A majority of states now have laws called "rape-shield" statutes, which prohibit any non-relevant evidence of the victim’s past sexual history from being used by the defense at trial.

For more specific information about laws relating to sexual assault, please refer to the bulletin entitled, Sexual Assault Legislation.

There are benefits to reporting sexual assaults, however, which include being eligible for state crime victim compensation funds. If a victim is eligible, these funds can possibly pay for the sexual assault forensic examination; other medical expenses; one-time or ongoing sexually transmitted disease testing; psychological counseling & treatment; lost wages & other services & assistance.

In addition, many sexual assault survivors report that choosing to follow thru with prosecution contributes to a feeling of accomplishment & empowerment because they're attempting to protect themselves and others in the community from being victimized. Many victims also report the attempt to put their assailant(s) in jail allows for a feeling of closure, enabling them to put the assault behind them (Johnson, 1985).

Moreover, it's only by more individuals reporting sexual assaults that pressure can be placed on the legal system & the community at large to reduce the negative consequences on victims who report sexual assaults.

Furthermore, if individuals who commit sexual assault offenses aren't apprehended & prosecuted, they will continue to commit sexual offenses. One widely recognized study found that 126 admitted rapists had committed 907 rapes involving 882 different victims (Abel et al., 1987).

That study doesn't account for the multiple victims of child sexual assault, incest, molestation or other forms of sexual predatory behavior which typically have a high number of victims & re-offense rate. Therefore, the more sex offenders that are apprehended & prosecuted, the fewer victims of sexual assault.

HIV/AIDS & the Sexual Assault Survivor

A concern of many survivors of sexual assault is the possibility of transmission of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, as a result of their victimization. According to the National Women’s Study, 40% of rape victims were significantly concerned about contracting HIV as a result of the assault. Though the actual risk of transmission from a single act of sexual assault is relatively low, the psychological stressor of possible HIV infection is quite significant for the survivor of sexual assault (Gostin et al., 1994).

If the survivor wishes to be tested for HIV, he or she should talk to a trained advocate or HIV/AIDS professional counselor about the testing process & options. In most cases if a victim has contracted HIV Disease as a result of the assault, he or she will test positive within 2 weeks of the assault.

In some instances it may take up to 3 months for a positive result. If the victim decides to be tested, it's important to locate an anonymous testing site. To protect confidentiality, whenever possible avoid testing at a hospital or with a family physician.

If the first test result is negative, follow-up testing should be conducted 3 months, 6 months & 1 year after the assault. Many victims also wish to know the HIV status of their assailant. Most states allow for testing of alleged & convicted sex offenders & disclosure of the results to the victim.

For more information on HIV testing legislation & HIV/AIDS & victims of sexual assault, please refer to the bulletins entitled, HIV/AIDS Legislation & HIV/AIDS and Victim Services.

Services for the Sexual Assault Survivor

Whether or not a sexual assault victim chooses to report the assault(s) to the authorities, there's support & help for the survivor in most communities.

The local rape crisis or sexual assault program’s advocates will work with a survivor no matter what course of action they choose to pursue. Along with providing direct service to victims, agencies also conduct sexual assault awareness, prevention & education programs in schools & the community & work closely with their state sexual assault coalitions to advocate for fair legislation pertaining to victims of sexual crimes.

Many communities have established written protocols for response to sexual assault victims to ensure they're treated by all service providers in a consistent, responsible & sensitive manner.

In addition, many jurisdictions have created multi-disciplinary teams, sometimes called S.A.R.T (Sexual Assault Response Team) programs. These teams usually consist of law enforcement officers, advocates & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners or doctors that respond to crime scenes, hospitals & police stations to serve the immediate needs of the sexual assault survivor.

Communities use this comprehensive approach to sexual assault victim assistance to reduce the negative aftereffects & trauma associated with sexual victimization by limiting the number of interviews & providing the survivor with immediate resources for assistance.

Furthermore, many prosecutors’ offices & law enforcement agencies have Victim/Witness programs that work closely with victims once they've decided to report &/or prosecute.

These criminal justice system-based service providers in most jurisdictions can assist a victim in filing for state crime victim compensation funds; will file a restitution claim with the Court; will notify a victim of hearings, possible plea negotiations & court schedule changes; will accompany a survivor to various court proceedings; will explain the legal process & legal proceedings to the survivor & will interact on the behalf of the victim’s interests with the various attorneys, court personnel & the survivor’s employer or school.

Many communities also have community mental health centers that provide psychological counseling, support groups & if necessary, referral to psychiatrists for medication assessments. Most of these centers provide services on a sliding-fee scale basis, charging clients according to what they can afford.

The effects of sexual victimization can be severely traumatic & survivors generally find that time-limited or even long-term counseling is extremely important to their recovery.

Even after initial crisis counseling, victims may find it helpful to return to counseling periodically when it becomes difficult to manage the aftereffects of sexual assault without further guidance & assistance. If the survivor doesn't wish to contact a sexual assault or rape crisis advocate or mental health counselor, they may want to talk thru their feelings with a trusted family member, friend, or member of the clergy.

What to do for a Victim of Sexual Assault

Sexual assault affects not only the victim, but the loved ones & family of the survivor, as well as the community. Family members & friends many times not only have to help their loved one manage the aftereffects of the assault but also have to deal with their own feelings about the victimization of someone they care about.

Those that live with the survivor may become concerned about their security & may have similar feelings & responses as those the survivor experiences. Family members in some communities can find support groups for loved ones of those who have been victims of sexual assault.

The immediate neighborhood as well may be affected by the victimization of their neighbor & become more concerned about their personal safety. They may respond to the assault(s) by establishing a neighborhood watch program or installing better street lighting.

Professionals in the community who have direct contact with the survivor may develop protocols, or guidelines for response, to sexual assault victims to ensure the needs of survivors are being addressed within their respective agencies.

To be of assistance to a survivor one should:

• Listen without judging

• Let them know the assault(s) wasn't their fault

• Let them know they did what was necessary to prevent further harm

• Reassure the survivor that he or she is cared for & loved

• Encourage the sexual assault victim to seek medical attention

• Encourage the survivor to talk about the assault(s) with an advocate, mental health professional or someone they trust 

• Let them know they don't have to manage this crisis alone

For more information on how one can help survivors of sexual assault, contact a local rape crisis or sexual assault program, prosecutor’s office or sexual assault coalition & ask how to volunteer.

* For more specific information about male victims of sexual assault, please refer to the bulletin entitled, Male Rape.

Sexual Abuse by Father or Father Figure

When the issue in a woman's past is sexual abuse by the father or father figure it causes deep emotional, mental & spiritual wounds.

These wounds create a fertile ground for planting harmful relationships. Often the memories of abuse are buried for years, a painful secret that lays, apparently, dormant for possibly decades.

However, these memories can & usually do, cause choices of partners to be unhealthy & even irrational.

How can I say this? I know, because a VERY close member of my immediate family sexually abused me for years. I hesitate to say whom, since this person is still living. Yet he knows, I know & my husband knows about the abuse.

It's caused me to make terrible choices in my life. Ones that are still affecting my children & me today. This is a deep & troubling story difficult to face equally difficult to deal with.

For many years I lived with the promise I made to myself that "No man will ever control me again." This promise affected my relationships with men, but mostly it affected my relationship with God.

How could I possibly trust God when He is a male after all, man was created in His image, right? So, if man was created in God's image & man is a hurtful & abusive creature, someone not to be trusted, then how could I possibly trust God & believe what He says to be true?

Not only that, how can I accept God's love when the only love I was shown by a man, when I was a child, was of a sexual nature. God isn't a sexual being in the sense of physical sensuality, so how does one resolve this?

Additionally, if love means sex, then how can I love some male person, God or otherwise, who I can't have sex with? Really, this is how my mind was working.

It has taken much prayer & many long talks with my husband & several failed attempts at counseling, to learn to separate the behavior of man from the truth & will of God. And yet, some problems linger.

For example: If this abuser taught me by his actions that love meant sex, how do I handle it when I find TRUE love?

• Does it mean that I shouldn't have sex with my life mate?
• If true love doesn't mean sex, we shouldn't HAVE to have sex. Right? Wrong. 

This has been my latest problem. It isn't that sex is wrong, or that I don't find my husband attractive. It isn't even that we don't, you know, have a sexual relationship. It's that in the back of my mind is the thought that if my husband really loved me then he shouldn't want or need sex after all, God really loves me & He doesn't.

Can you see how the thinking & logic becomes twisted?

Look, I'm being completely honest with you. I'm telling you my most personal thoughts. I know there are other women who feel the same way. Either they have come to the same conclusion or they've become promiscuous or gay, or, some other dysfunction that isn't Gods plan for us.

Lasting Effects of Pornographic Images of Children

It’s important to realize that these images can have a devastating & lasting effect on children.

In addition to any physical injuries they can suffer in the course of their molestation, such as genital bruising, lacerations, or exposure to sexually transmitted diseases, child victims can also experience depression, withdrawal, anger & other psychological disorders. Such effects may continue into adulthood.

i.e., women abused as children have statistically significant higher rates of:

• Nightmares

• Back pain

• Headaches

• Pelvic pain

• Eating binges

• Other similar symptoms.

Child victims also frequently experience feelings of:

• Guilt

• Responsibility for the abuse

• Betrayal

• Sense of powerlessness

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Low self-esteem

These feelings are often expressed thru:

• Increased fearfulness

• Changes in sleep patterns

• Re-occurring memories

• Flashbacks

• Dreams

• Nightmares associated w/posttraumatic stress

Younger children tend to externalize stress by:

• Re-enacting sexual activities thru play

Adolescents may experience:

• Negative effects on their growing sexuality as a result of inappropriate early sexual experiences.

The lives of children featured in these illegal images are forever altered, not only by the molestation but also by the permanent record of the exploitation.

Once sexual exploitation takes place, the molester may document these encounters on film or video. This documentation can then become the "ammunition" needed to blackmail the child into further submission, which is necessary to continue the relationship & maintain its secrecy.

In addition these documented images allow molesters to "relive" their sexual fantasies with children long after the exploitation has stopped.

A greater number of child molesters are now using computer technology to organize & maintain their collections of these illegal images. In addition they're also using the Internet to increase the size of these collections. Personally manufactured illegal images of children are especially valuable on the Internet, which provides the molester with a respected status among fellow exploiters & traders of this material.

Once this status is achieved, molesters will often begin to trade images of their own sexual exploits with children among themselves. When these images reach cyberspace, they’re irretrievable & can continue to circulate forever. Thus the child is re-victimized as the images are viewed again & again.

Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse:
A Painful Topic

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2000

Sexual abuse perpetrated by mothers on their daughters is an uncomfortable subject for many people. It defies everything we believe, or want to believe, about women & mothers. Most people don't want to believe that female perpetrators of sexual abuse exist & certainly don't want to believe that a mother could sexually abuse her own children. While mothers sexually abuse their sons as well, in this article I focus on the impact on daughters.

Sexist Views About Women & Mothers

Most of us are raised to view women as being very different than men - to view them almost as opposites. Some people can't even imagine women doing the same things that men do, or being anything like men. Even when cultures view women to be strong, capable & competent most continue to view women as inherently different than men because of their child-bearing abilities.

Many character traits are presumed to be true about women because of their ability to bear children - women are believed to be more caring, sensitive, nurturing & maternal than men. The reality that there are female perpetrators of sexual abuse, particularly mothers, is a fact that many people aren't willing to believe. This view of mothers & even of all women, runs very deep in most cultures & is linked with another assumption - that all women (& particularly mothers) are naturally heterosexual.

Heterosexism & Homophobia

Sexual abuse has nothing to do with the perpetrator's sexuality or sexual identity; many same - sex abusers identify as heterosexual. Many people confuse sexual abuse with sex, but sexual abuse isn't sex.

Yet because of homophobia, same-sex sexual abuse is linked, in many people's minds, with lesbian or gay sex. How often do we see in the newspapers exclaiming "lesbian sex abuser" but not "heterosexual sex abuser?" It's an ingrained association - same-sex abuse equals same-sex sexual orientation.

This mistaken association is important to examine for many reasons. That the perpetrator is perceived to be lesbian fuels many people's denial. Mothers can't be lesbian, the thinking goes, therefore the abuse couldn't have happened.

On the other hand, some people may be more likely to believe that the abuse happened, precisely because they perceive the perpetrator to be lesbian. It confirms their belief that lesbians are child molestors. When this occurs people are far more outraged than they are with father-daughter sexual abuse because a female perpetrator of incest has violated the social expectations of women & mothers. Sadly, this reaction also points to how little we expect of fathers.

How People View Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

People tend to feel far more conflicted & confused about mother -daughter sexual abuse - or female perpetrators generally - than they are about father-daughter sexual abuse (or male perpetrators).

People respond with outright denial: "A mother wouldn't do that sort of thing."

Others minimize the abuse: "How bad could it be? The abuser was a woman; she was probably gentle." And still others vilify female perpetrators, viewing them as worse than male perpetrators because they're women or mothers.

Some people try to explain away the behavior of female perpetrators by pointing to the history of sexual abuse that they have undergone. Having been sexual abused is one factor that can contribute to a mother abusing her own daughter (although there are plenty of survivors who don't sexually abuse children) & it's possibly one of the more important factors that might lead female perpetrators to sexually abuse their children because they, unlike men, aren't socially conditioned to be sexually aggressive, or to sexualize children.

However, this argument shouldn't be used to minimize the responsibility of female perpetrators nor the devastating effects of this form of abuse.

It isn't uncommon when female perpetrators are discussed, the tone is often distinctly softer & more sympathetic than when male perpetrators are discussed. This misplaced sexist sympathy for female perpetrators minimizes the effects of the abuse that a survivor went thru & denies a survivor's reality of the trauma. In addition, when survivors are aware of this attitude & many are, it can make it even harder for them to take their own abuse & the effects of that abuse seriously.

Survivors of Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

Imagine how a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse feels, when the general population who hasn't undergone this trauma feels this confused & conflicted about it. Survivors tend to be very confused & conflicted about the abuse & their mothers, especially when, as usually is the case, their mothers were their primary care givers.

They may have a lot invested in not acknowledging that the abuse happened - both because of their own beliefs about mothers (never mind the emotional trauma of acknowledging the abuse) & because of the often rigid assumptions made by others about mothers.

When survivors of mother-daughter incest are able to acknowledge the abuse they experienced, they often believe that there must be something terribly wrong or bad about them. "How could my own mother sexually abuse me?"

This belief that they're bad comes from the myth that mothers are intrinsically caring & loving. If all mothers are loving to their children, the thinking goes, then there must be something really bad about the child whose mother abused them.

It makes sense that a child would think this way, especially in a context loaded w/societal myths about mothers. It's easier for a child to believe that the abuse is her fault than to admit that the person who was supposed to love & protect her actually harmed her.

Sadly, this way of thinking is carried into adulthood by many survivors & it hurts them a great deal.

That Which Has No Name

It's very difficult for even survivors themselves to acknowledge that they were abused by their mothers because of the sexist beliefs many of us hold about women & particularly mothers. It can be a great struggle to label their experience as abuse.

Survivors may not have words to describe what happened; they may not know what to call it. They may fear that the incest was lesbian sex; something "dirty" - not to be talked about or admitted.

They may be afraid of being perceived as lesbian, or afraid that the abuse makes them lesbian. Survivors who are lesbian may fear that their sexuality was caused by the abuse.

It's also difficult for survivors to acknowledge their abuse because there are very few places that survivors can hear or read about mother-daughter incest, or even about female perpetrators. Sexual abuse & incest have become almost synonymous w/male sexual abuse of females & father-daughter incest.

It's within this vacuum that survivors of mother-daughter incest struggle to make sense of & understand their experience.

Homophobic Beliefs - One Effect of The Abuse

Many people confuse same-sex sexual abuse w/lesbian sex, thinking that the perpetrator & even the victim is lesbian, or was made lesbian by the abuse. None of this is true.

Yet these myths continue to exist & they confuse & haunt many survivors who live in fear & shame that they really are lesbian when they aren't, or that their lesbian sexuality was caused by the abuse.

Being abused by her mother doesn't make a survivor a lesbian. Even if the survivor's body physiologically responded to the sexual stimulation, this has nothing to do w/sexuality. It's the body's natural physiological response to stimulation & has nothing to do w/the survivor's own sexual desires or even consent.

Sexual abuse effects a survivor's comfort level w/and responses to being a sexual person, but it doesn't cause her sexuality.

Identifying W/Mother Perpetrators

Even when survivors acknowledge that they were sexually abused by their mothers, they often strongly identify w/their mothers. Just both of them being female in a sexist society can lead to identification w/the mother. This identification w/the perpetrator can make it more difficult for survivors to separate themselves, emotionally & otherwise, from their abuser.

Many daughters look to their mothers as a mirror for their future lives. Survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse often see their future as a woman & mother as dismal. Many adult survivors painfully worry that they'll sexually abuse children, that they're unsafe around children, or that they're potential perpetrators - just like their mothers.

This may lead survivors to feel that they're untrustworthy, thus many survivors are reluctant to have children of their own (although the choice to not have children can be a perfectly healthy choice on its own.)

Are They Victims Or Are They Abusers?

Daughters & thus many survivors, often look to their mother's experiences (in the home & w/their fathers) as their future & identify w/ their mother's situation. If their mother is in an upsetting situation, survivors will often feel empathy for their mothers & want to help them. This is heightened for survivors whose mothers turn to them for support.

If the perpetrator views herself as a victim of circumstances, or is a victim of her husband, the survivor often feels sorry for her & fears losing her. This dynamic makes it very hard for the daughter to see her mother as an abuser.

Many of us tend to see people in extreme categories - either victim or abuser. For children, this either-or-thinking is the norm, but for survivors it often remains w/them & becomes entrenched. The truth is that people can be both - victims in one context & abusers in another.

"I Feel Like I Am My Mother"

The more a survivor identifies w/her mother, the harder it's to separate her identity from her abuser - a crucial step in healing. Many survivors of mother-daughter incest report looking in the mirror & seeing their mothers & hating themselves for it.

When they see their own body naked (which they may avoid doing), many survivors see their mother's body & as a result feel deeply ashamed of & angry at their bodies. Some survivors respond to these feelings by not wanting to be women, or lesbian (as they may perceive their mother to be) or anything associated w/women or lesbians.

The feelings of shame & self-hatred that survivors can have may lead to their feeling uncomfortable with &/or hatred toward women & lesbians; inadequate & bad about themselves; confused & ashamed about being women; uncomfortable w/their sexuality; engaging in self-injurious behavior (particularly in the genital & breast area); developing an eating disorder; experiencing body shame & having difficulties in relationships, particularly w/other women.

It's crucial for survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse to create boundaries w/their mothers (physical, emotional, intellectual & spiritual); to reclaim their bodies as their own & to truly know the differences between themselves & their mothers.

Longing for a Mother's Love

Mother-daughter sexual abuse wounds survivors' hearts & souls. Their mothers were often their only caregivers & the only source of much-needed care. When this care is mixed w/ sexual abuse, the effects are devastating. This mixture of nurturance (if there was any) & sexual abuse may have been all the parenting a survivor received.

Often the father was absent or simply didn't take an active role in parenting. This mixture of caring & sexual abuse leaves survivors w/ an unpleasant & often sickening or repulsive feeling. On the one hand, the survivor desperately needed to be loved, held, kissed & nurtured, but when that nurturance comes w/such a high price, it's devastating to the child's psyche.

Even nurturance that's offered separate from the sexual abuse becomes hard to trust or to take in freely & openly. This leaves many survivors feeling a desperate need for love & at the same time, highly conflicted about that need & wary of those, particularly women who offer support.

The grief connected to not receiving safe love from a mother or primary caregiver is profound.

Summary of the Effects of Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse

While survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse experience many of the same effects as other incest & sexual abuse survivors, they tend to have heightened difficulties with:

• Naming their experience as abuse. This is particularly true in light of the myth that women don't sexually abuse children.

• Identity. Many survivors have difficulty knowing that they're separate from & different than their perpetrators.

• Boundaries. Many survivors have difficulty maintaining their boundaries, especially w/other women. They may be overly flexible or overly rigid.

• Self-blame. This is particularly true in light of the fact that they were abused by their mothers who are mythologized as all loving & caring.

• Gender identity. Many survivors don't want to be a woman, have trouble identifying as women, or don't like what they perceive women to be, because the abuser was a woman.

• Gender shame. Many survivors feel great shame about being a woman because of their identification w/the perpetrator.

• Body shame. Survivors often feel great shame about their bodies, particularly their bodies' womanliness, because the perpetrator had a woman's body.

• Homophobic fears about one's actual or perceived sexuality. Survivors are often very confused about the differences between sexual abuse & lesbian sexuality & may believe the myth that abuse causes a survivor's sexuality.

• Longing to be loved. Survivors frequently have a profound need to be loved in the way that they weren't as a child & they may fear or be unable to accept it, particularly from other women.

Final Thoughts

Abuse is never pleasant. However, mother-daughter sexual abuse seems to provoke particularly strong reactions in people, even those working in the area of trauma.

Sometimes, when mother-daughter sexual abuse is acknowledged, people feel the need to say that it doesn't happen as frequently as father-daughter sexual abuse, or that women aren't as violent as men.

Even if those things are true, it isn't helpful information when listening to & understanding women who have been sexually abused by their mothers (or other women). If we want to create a safe environment for women to speak about their experiences, we need to talk & write about the fact that women & mothers do sexually abuse children. Only in that environment will survivors be truly free to tell their stories & heal themselves.

Male Sexual Abuse Victims of Female Perpetrators: Society's Betrayal of Boys

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2002

The reality that boys are sexually abused by women isn't widely accepted. Some people view it as an impossible act - that a male can’t be sexually assaulted by a female & others view it as sexually titillating.

The existence of female perpetrators & male victims confronts many of our most firmly held beliefs about women, men, sexuality, power & sexual assault. It challenges our very notions about what sex is. The view that males always want & benefit from sex w/females.

A commonly held view of heterosexuality is that men are always wanting & seeking sex w/females; males are dominant, while females are submissive. Men initiate sexual encounters & women accept or decline male invitations for sex. If a female initiates sexual contact w/a male, this is viewed as a rare & exciting opportunity that no man should let pass by; he should be grateful.

Given these beliefs, many people see nothing wrong w/a woman pursuing a boy sexually. In fact, in some circles it's considered a good way to introduce boys to heterosexuality. Some fathers take their young sons to prostitutes w/the mistaken belief that it's “good” for them.

A number of movies, stories, jokes & fantasies portray older women sexually “seducing” young boys in positive terms. Where does this leave men who were sexually abused by women?

Sadly, many men who were sexually abused by women are locked in silence, shame & self-loathing. Society tells them that not only was their experience not abuse, but that they should have enjoyed it & if they didn’t there must be something terribly wrong w/ them.

Even when their experiences are recognized as abuse, they may be viewed as having been “weak” or “not man enough” because they were unable to stop it, defend themselves or put it behind them. The myth that men can’t be victimized particularly by women is firmly entrenched in many cultures.

Many men who dare acknowledge that they were sexually abused by women are cruelly laughed at & humiliated. Most don't dare say a word about it for fear of feeling any more ashamed than they already feel. Many men who were sexually abused by women feel deeply ashamed of themselves, their sexuality & their gender.

Sadly & mistakenly, they believe that there must be something profoundly wrong with them that they were abused in this way. Some men defend against feeling this way by being in a constant state of anger or rage - one of the few emotions that are socially acceptable for men.

Many male survivors cope w/the abuse by drinking, using drugs, living recklessly, avoiding intimate relationships, numbing their feelings, dissociating & becoming depressed, anxious or angry.

David Lisak, Ph.D. (1994), in his research w/26 adult male sexual abuse survivors (many of whom were abused by women), found that the effects of the abuse on the men could be grouped according to the following themes:

• Anger 
• Betrayal 
• Fear 
• Helplessness 
• Homosexuality Issues (mostly for men abused by men) 
• Isolation & Alienation 
• Legitimacy (being able to take the abuse & its effects seriously) 
• Loss 
• Masculinity Issues (feeling okay about being male) 
• Negative Childhood Peer Relations 
• Negative Schemas about People (difficulty trusting others) 
• Negative Schemas about the Self (feeling bad about one's self) 
• Problems w/Sexuality 
• Self Blame / Guilt 
• Shame / Humiliation

Mother-son sexual abuse

Men who were sexually abused by their mothers, or other women in parenting roles (such as aunts, grandmothers, sisters, etc.) often feel the most inner turmoil, shame, guilt & self-loathing. They were betrayed by the very women who were supposed to take care of them & to protect them. It's no wonder that men who were sexually abused by their mothers feel a profound sadness & emptiness.

Abuse by a mother is often the last abuse to be dealt with when there have been other perpetrators in the survivor’s history. Many men & women have said that the abuse by their mothers was the most shameful & damaging form of childhood victimization that they experienced. (Elliott, 1993, pg. 21)

Men who were sexually abused by their mothers often have a very difficult time disclosing the abuse because they feel a loyalty - a traumatic bond - w/their mothers. It may be a conflicted bond, but a bond still the same. This bond may stop them from disclosing what they believe would be a “betrayal” of their mother’s trust & confidence.

The son may be put in the role of husband

In my clinical experience, a common dynamic in mother-son sexual abuse is that of the son being placed in the role of husband. In this context, a son is likely to feel aligned with his mother & protective of her, wanting to please her & take care of her.

He may even be put in the position of trying to protect her from her abusive husband, which will invariably leave him feeling inadequate & ineffectual. As a child, his mother’s abuse may seem less threatening than his father’s, but her abused is no less serious just the same.

In time, the effects of her abuse will take its toll on him. With this reversal in roles, abused boys sometimes grow up having problems being taken care of, preferring to place themselves in care-taking positions.

They may become very submissive, catering to the needs of their sexual partners. On the other hand, they may be very angry at women, viewing all women in the same way - as being emotionally manipulative, controlling, abusive & untrustworthy & take revenge on them. Female perpetrators can be just as violent as men.

It's common for mothers who sexually abuse their sons to rely on emotional manipulation & control, i.e., by telling the child that by doing a certain act it'll make mommy or aunty “feel good”; pretending that the abuse is really a form of bathing & cleaning; pretending that it's meant to make the child “feel good”; pretending that it's cuddling.

It 's also the case that mothers & female perpetrators are violent. This is particularly evident in ritual abuse where women, along with men, are sadistic toward children (& adults). Female perpetrators can be just as violent as men.

We know this, yet the stereotype & reality of the “emotionally clingy” female perpetrator is given more attention because it confirms our beliefs that women are weak, emotionally dependent & non-violent. I've heard horrendous stories from men (& women) who were beaten & tortured by their mothers & other women in their lives & not only in the context of ritual abuse.

Final thoughts

Men who were sexually abused by women rarely see their reality reflected in articles, books, services & web sites that are created for sexual abuse survivors.

The fact that it isn't widely acknowledged or accepted that boys as well as girls are sexually abused & women as well as men sexually abuse children is damaging to men who were abused by women. Many male survivors live in isolation, fear, shame, anger & silence precisely because they know the taboos in our culture about talking about this form of abuse.

It needn’t be this way. We can acknowledge that boys are abused & women abuse children without diminishing the reality of male perpetrated violence & female victimization. Understanding this form of abuse contributes to our knowledge about abuse in all its forms - something that we'll all benefit from. 

References: Elliott, Michele (Ed.). (1993). Female Sexual Abuse of Children. New York: Guilford Press. Lisak, D. (1994). The psychological impact of sexual abuse: Content analysis of interviews with male survivors. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 7, 525-548. Available in pdf format here.

The Sexual Abuse of Children - By J. Bailey Molineux

Although her stepfather had been sexually molesting her for years, Jenny never told anyone about it because she was afraid what would happen if she did. When she finally did disclose his abuse of her, her mother reacted with angry shock and told her never to say such awful things about her stepfather again.

After that, the only way Jenny could stop the abuse was by running away.

Whether or not it is occurring more often or being reported more often, the incidence of reported sexual abuse of children has increased in America. Studies have shown that one out of four women, and one out of ten men, state they were sexually abused as children.

The stereotypical image of the sexual offender as a stranger lurking in the dark to attack his victim is erroneous. Most sexually abused children have been molested by a member of their own family or someone known to the family. Only 15 to 20 percent of child molesters are unknown to their victims.

Nor is force commonly used in child molestation. Since the offender is often a close relative, the victim usually has a trusting relationship with him. What is so potentially damaging about child sexual abuse is that relationship of trust is deliberately violated by the offender.

It is difficult to detect signs of sexual abuse in a child or adolescent. She may be depressed, anxious, using drugs or alcohol, self mutilating or having times of dissociation in which she "checks out" and doesn't remember what she did. But these behaviors can be caused by other problems as well.

Any sexualized behavior - sexual acting out, talking about sex at too young an age - are signs, however, that there is a good chance the child or adolescent is being abused.

Most victims - over 90 percent according to research - are telling the truth when they reveal what has been happening to them. Usually the victim has no reason to lie about so serious a matter while the alleged offender has every reason to deny it.

Because of the realistic fears of disclosure - the shame, criminal prosecution and possible break-up of the family - sexual abuse can go on for years before it is discovered. The pressures on the victim not to disclose are enormous. Often, she has been repeatedly warned by the offender not to tell and she is afraid of what might happen to him and her family if she does.

If the disclosure of the sexual abuse is handled calmly and properly and if treatment is provided, the abuse will not necessarily permanently traumatize a victim. But without proper handling and treatment, the effects to the victim can include life-long depression, guilt, self-concept problems, unresolved anger, sexual dysfunctions or hypersexuality and difficulty trusting other people.

Whenever a youth, like Jenny, says she is being sexually victimized, the best strategy is to believe her. She must also be reassured that she has done the right thing by disclosing and that she is in no way responsible for the abuse. Her chances of recovering from the molestation are much greater if she is supported in these ways.

If you suspect that sexual abuse is occurring, you must report it to your local Child Protective Services. The abuse must be stopped as soon as possible, and the only way this can be guaranteed is by notifying the proper authorities. Regardless of what happens to the offender, the protection and safety of the child must be the first priority.

Memories of Childhood Sexual Abuse

by Leonard Holmes, Ph.D.

Is really true that people forget horrible things that happen to them? And what about false memories? Are some memories really false?

Most people remember the bad things that happen to them, but sometimes extreme trauma is forgotten. Scientists are studying this & we're beginning to understand how this occurs. For a more complete explanation of some of the issues, try some of the links in our Trauma Department Resources.

Memory isn't like a tape recorder. The brain processes information & stores it in different ways. Most of us have had some mildly traumatic experiences & these experiences sometimes seem to be "burned-in" with a high degree of detail.

Scientists are studying the relationship between 2 parts of the brain, the amygdala & the hippocampus to understand why this is. What seems to be true is that moderate trauma can enhance long-term memory, while extreme trauma can disrupt long term storage & leave memories stored as emotions or sensations rather than as memories.

More information is available in the book "Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body & Society" by van der Kolk, McFarlane & Weisaeth.

Studies have documented that people who live thru extreme trauma sometimes forget the trauma. The memory of the trauma can return later in life, usually beginning in the form of sensations or emotions, sometimes involving "flashbacks" where the person feels like they're re-living the memory. This material gradually becomes more integrated until it resembles other memories.

Are these recovered memories necessarily true? There's much debate about this. Some therapists who work with trauma survivors believe that the memories are true because they're accompanied by such extreme emotions. Other therapists have reported that some of their patients have recovered memories which couldn't have been true (a memory of being decapitated, e.g.).

Some groups have claimed that therapists are "implanting memories" in vulnerable patients by suggesting that they're victims of abuse when no abuse occurred. Some therapists do seem to have persuaded patients that their symptoms were due to abuse when they didn't know this to be true. This was never considered good therapeutic practice & most therapists are careful not to suggest a cause for a symptom unless the patient reports the cause.

I do work with some patients who have recovered memories of child abuse. My stance regarding the truth of their memories is "I don't know." In most cases I believe something happened to them, because their symptoms are consistent with their memories.

We work with the material from the past when it gets in the way in the present. The memories are real for the patient & that's what's most important in therapy. I don't encourage them to confront parents or other abusers, because this is seldom helpful & often hurtful.

This is a difficult area & more will be written & argued in the next few years. I do believe that there's middle ground & that careful therapy can help heal the wounds of trauma.

Trusting Your Memories of Sexual Abuse - an article for survivors -  by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2001

Acknowledging That You Were Sexually Abused

It can take a long time for survivors to be able to say that they know for sure that they were sexually abused. Acknowledging that the abuse happened is an important step in healing from sexual abuse.

Many survivors waver on this issue for years, even after they do acknowledge that they were abused. This is a natural reaction & is quite self-protective, after all it's extremely painful to acknowledge that a trusted adult betrayed & hurt you in this way. It inevitably raises the question "if I wasn't safe with him/her, how can I be safe anywhere?" That can be a overwhelming thought especially if you don't know how to feel safer in the world.

Worrying That You Can't Trust Your Memories

Some survivors worry that maybe their mind is playing tricks on them, they imagined it, their memories aren't real & perhaps they made it all up. They think maybe they've watched too much T.V., or read too many books on the subject or they've listened to too many survivors tell their stories.

This is an understandable worry, especially when there's a well-funded organization of people (whom their children said sexually abused them) who state that recovered memories aren't accurate & are created by reading books, seeing therapists & the like.

Not wanting to believe that you or others were sexually abused as children is understandable - it's never been easy for the human race to acknowledge all kinds of horrors committed by people, especially those committed in our own backyards. But, just because it's not easy & just because we don't or can't believe it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Do People Forget Traumatic Events?

A common worry for survivors (again especially since the creation of the so-called False Memory Syndrome Foundation) is whether or not they can trust their recovered memories to be accurate. Recovered memories are memories that you didn't always have, they emerge later in life often after being triggered by some event.

We know with certainty that people forget traumatic events. Probably the best examples are of people's experiences of wars & car accidents. There are men who fought in wars who remember little of what happened, yet there's no question that they were there & that the war happened.

Many people who survive serious car accidents don't remember the accident. People forget overwhelming traumatic events.

Traumatic Reactions Exist Even Without Memories

Many individuals develop trauma related reactions, even when they have no memory of the incident. i.e., many people who have experienced serious car accidents & who don't remember the accident have strong negative reactions to being in a car or driving by the scene of the accident (even when they don't remember where the accident took place.)

Many war veterans who have little memory of the war will suddenly duck when they hear a loud sound without understanding why.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - According to the DSM-III-R

These reactions are called post-traumatic reactions -- also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People will often have post-traumatic reactions even when they have no memory of the trauma itself. These reactions include:

• intense fear & terror
• helplessness
•  re-experiencing the traumatic event, flashbacks, flooding;
• avoiding situations that are associated with the traumatic event
• numbing, feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
• hyper-vigilance 
•  nightmares
• panic attacks, anxiety attacks
• insomnia
• irritability or outbursts of anger
• difficulty concentrating
• exaggerated startle response

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms May Develop After Memories Are Recovered

It's possible for someone to have no or few memories of sexual abuse & to not have post-traumatic symptoms or to have only mild symptoms. Sometimes, post-traumatic symptoms don't develop until memories come back. This is why it's possible to feel relatively unaffected by sexual abuse  only to have post-traumatic reactions emerge later when sexual abuse memories start emerging.

Most often, people can look back after remembering sexual abuse & recognize ways in which they had been affected by the abuse w/out having been aware of it at the time.

Memories That Were Forgotten Can Return

To recap, we know that people forget traumatic events. We know that even w/out memories of the event, people have post-traumatic reactions even in relatively mild forms. We also know that memories once forgotten can return.

Again, this has been documented w/war veterans who initially forgot their war experiences & then remembered them later usually via spontaneous flashbacks.

Are Recovered Memories Accurate?

While all memory, especially declarative memory - the story or details of the event - is reconstructive (recreated over time) this doesn't diminish the truthfulness of the memory itself. Sometimes because recovered memories can be hazy, it can be hard to be sure of all the details.

Sometimes, because of how memories are categorized by our minds, it's possible to remember 2 different incidents as having occurred at the same time. Again, just because this happens doesn't mean that what happened isn't true, only that the events may not have happened in that exact way.

A good analogy is people are in a bank when a bank robbery occurs. They're frightened by the robbers & their guns & are afraid for their safety. After a robbery, it isn't uncommon for witnesses to contradict each other about the color of the robbers' clothing, even what race they were & the total numbers of robbers present.

But, no one is uncertain about the fact that there was a robbery & that they were scared for their lives.

While no survivor can be certain that every single detail of their memories of sexual abuse  are precisely accurate, it's possible to be confident that the crime of sexual abuse occurred, to know who did it & to know approximately what age you were.

Implicit Memories Are the Most Accurate

In the robbery example, witnesses weren't only certain that they'd witnessed a bank robbery, but were intensely aware of how they felt during the robbery &/or after the robbery -- delayed reactions are quite common after traumatic events.

They felt afraid for their lives, their hearts raced, they felt panicked & experienced other similar reactions.

Trauma related reactions - heart racing, sweating, fear, trembling, depersonalization - & other physical & emotional responses are known as implicit memories because they require no conscious memory of the event to be experienced.

Remember the example of the car accident survivor who got upset when she drove near the scene of the accident that she had no memory of? That is implicit memory. Implicit memories, unlike declarative memories, are much more reliable.

i.e., people are far more likely to be accurate about the fact that they smelled alcohol on their abuser's breath & that they felt searing pain in or on some part of their body than they are about what the abuser was wearing, or what day it was.

Implicit memories include all physical & emotional reactions - body sensations, smells, sounds, tastes, touch - which don't require conscious memory of the event itself. Implicit memories also include skills that don't require conscious memory of having been learned in order to be performed.

An example of an implicit skill is someone who, due to brain damage, can't remember learning to play the piano but can still play the piano. While I haven't seen this issue incorporated into the trauma research, I think implicit learning might, at least partly explain why some survivors repeat trauma related behaviors.

By trauma related behaviors I mean engaging in behaviors that were learned during abuse, for example feeling like you're performing during sex, knowing how to perform certain sex acts prior to your first sexual experience, getting involved w/people who are similar to your abusers & perhaps behaving toward them in ways that you learned during abuse & prostitution. These behaviors are known to many survivors even w/out conscious memories of the abuse.

In sum, the research on implicit memories tells us that our memories of smell, taste, body sensations, emotions & sounds -- none of which require thought or conscious recall -- are the most accurate memories.

Some of these ways of remembering abuse have been called body memories & feel very real to people. When survivors have body memories, it can feel as though you're back there being abused again, feeling the physical & emotional pain vividly. That's how real they are.

What We Know About Traumatic Memories

We know that:

•  People forget traumatic incidents.
• People have trauma related reactions w/out any memory of what happened.
• Traumatic memories can emerge a long time after the traumatic event took place, often so intensely it may feel as if it's happening in the present.
• Recovered memories of sexual abuse are valid even if all the details aren't precisely accurate.

Implicit memories - those of smell, taste, sound, touch, body sensations & feelings - are the most accurate, much more accurate than declarative memories - memories about the concrete details.

You Can Trust Your Memories

What all of this means is that you can trust your inner knowledge, feelings, body memories & visual memories to tell you the truth. Perhaps not an accurate, detailed record of what happened, but still the truth.

While it's very painful to face sexual abuse, it can also be very liberating. Give yourself the opportunity to feel better about yourself by believing in your own memories. You deserve to believe in yourself.

Resources:

For some excellent research summaries about traumatic memories, see RECOVERED MEMORIES OF SEXUAL ABUSE: SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH & SCHOLARLY RESOURCES By Jim Hopper, Ph.D.

For an excellent article about traumatic memories and the body, see The Body Keeps the Score: Memory and the Evolving Psychobiology of Posttraumatic Stress by Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD.

For an excellent article about the fragmentary nature of traumatic memories, see Dissociation and the Fragmentary Nature of Traumatic memories: Overview and Exploratory Study. by Bessel A. van der Kolk & Rita Fisler

Sexual Feelings During Sexual Abuse

by Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist, 2004

Many sexual abuse survivors have trouble dealing with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the stimulation and confused about why they did.

Feeling aroused during abuse isn't an issue for every survivor. Some survivors never felt any kind of sexual arousal during the abuse. Others felt some sexual arousal, but readily accept that it didn't mean anything more than an automatic reflex response to touch.

Still others experienced some pleasurable feelings in their bodies during the abuse, but because those feelings were overshadowed by the pain of the abuse, it isn't an issue for them either.

However, there are many survivors who are deeply affected by their bodies' natural responses. Some agonize over how their bodies responded to the stimulation; they experienced the sexual arousal as a humiliation and believe it reflects negatively on them that their body responded at all.

They perceive their body's response as a betrayal, with the abuser "winning," and they hate their bodies for it. This is compounded by the fact some abusers deliberately try to force a victim to have an orgasm so that the survivor will mistakenly believe that they wanted or enjoyed the abuse.

Other survivors enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the stimulation, but feel guilty, ashamed &/or secretive about that fact because they believe - or fear - that it means there's something wrong with them because they're "not supposed" to feel that way in the context of abuse. These survivors often keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they could have liked some parts of it.

Some gay survivors remark that it was only during sexual abuse that they became aware of the possibility of same-sex sexual activity & while they know that what they experienced was abuse, they learned something about their sexuality & may have liked some of the stimulation. It's very concerning that some gay youth only learn about same-sex sex in the context of abuse!

In all cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse pleasurable, it doesn't mean that it wasn't abuse, that they weren't hurt by it, that it wasn't serious, or that it had less impact.

Abuse is abuse, regardless of how the victim's body responded. Further, for boys, achieving an erection doesn't necessarily mean that they're aroused; boys can have erections when they're afraid.

Why is this issue rarely addressed?

The impact of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed & when it is it's given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable w/the thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse.

Many people like to think that children are asexual & believe that those who suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help survivors deal with this issue unless we're prepared to talk about it while not minimizing the abuse?

Just as it's shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it's equally, or perhaps more shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this.

Many survivors suffer about this issue in silence, wondering if their body's feelings & reactions meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made them as bad as the abuser.

I understand not wanting to talk about this issue for fear that it'll fuel the argument that "sexual abuse isn't so bad because some kids like it" - a false argument which is used to minimize the impact of abuse. But by acknowledging that some children feel aroused reduces the emotional charge, or stigma, associated with it & helps survivors to heal.

Feeling sexual arousal in the context of abuse doesn't mean that the abuse was okay, nor that the abuse didn't negatively effect the victim.

A parallel argument can be made that if the love of your life suddenly dies & you receive tens of thousands of dollars from life insurance, money that you desperately need, this doesn't mean that you like the fact that your partner died or that you're not suffering from that loss.

Liking that you have money to support you, or needing that money, doesn't change the basic fact of what happened or how devastated you feel at the loss of your lover.

Children are sexual beings

Given that children are sexual beings & can be sexual stimulated during abuse, it's understandable that some children enjoyed the feelings of arousal in their bodies.

They didn't enjoy the abuse; they enjoyed their body's natural reactions & sensations & perhaps some aspects of how the perpetrator treated them. If the abuser gave them attention or was kind to them, that may have felt enjoyable too.

It's also understandable if that child, later as an adult, feels upset if someone tells them that they couldn't have enjoyed any part of it because it was abuse. How does the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when they "weren't supposed" to?

They feel guilty & ashamed. On the other hand, it's also understandable if that adult survivor feels upset about her/his body having felt aroused since it occurred in the context of abuse.

How to deal with this issue

If you're a survivor & your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse, it's important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself without concluding that you're "sick" or "bad," or that your body is.

The first step is to acknowledge to yourself how your body felt & later to a supportive & understanding person. Try to do this without judgment, but if you can't, simply telling yourself & someone else (who is non-judgemental) how you felt will help reduce some of the guilt, shame, isolation & secrecy.

If you feel judgmental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings, nothing more. They're not facts or statements; they don't say anything about you or anyone else, other than you're a fully feeling human being.

It's normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse & one of those feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt during or after the abuse, because you didn't simply feel sexual feelings, but you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion & hurt, even if you didn't realize that until you were much older.

There are different ways of thinking about this issue & survivors have come up with different ways of dealing with it. Some survivors conclude that the arousal they experienced was a physiological reaction that had nothing to do with the perpetrator & everything to do with their own body's natural responses. That is true.

Others conclude that while there was some element of arousal that arose from the physical stimulation, the relationship with the perpetrator was important & contributed to how they felt - e.g., they liked / loved the perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of during the abuse & this led to feeling pleasure.