 A Definition of the Word Abuse
- By Kerrith H. (Kerry) King
A Definition of the Word Abuse" is excerpted from
The Spouse Abuse Tutorial .
We begin with a definition of the word abuse.
If you enter the word "abuse" in Google (the internet search engine) it brings up more than 20,000 references. What's interesting is
that no 2 of the web sites that offer abuse support or help use the same definition of the
word abuse.
More interestingly, no two teachers
in any school, or any 2 judges in the world, have the same definition of the word abuse.
All the energy and money spent on preventing, eliminating, reducing, or controlling abuse is to no avail until we agree on its definition.
As
you read About the Tutorial you' ll end up with an expanded definition of the word abuse.
About the Tutorial — read the definition of the word abuse
that we'll be using throughout the tutorial.
Abuse:
1) Any interaction, any
communication, that detracts from the aliveness, well-being, or serenity of another.
2) A way of acting, silence,
avoiding (also not answering a question), frowning, pouting, smirking,
stink-eye, thwarting, insulting, putting down, invalidating, condescension, raised voice, frightening, shocking, yelling,
screaming, jabbing, pushing, shoving, jerking, grabbing, yanking, pulling another's arm in upset, spanking, slapping, bringing
to one's senses with a loving firm slap, hitting, punching, or kicking.
Note: This definition is still being refined.
Add your comments or feedback via the Message Drop
What is Abuse? - By Sam Vaknin
Abusers exploit,
lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate &
control.
There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much
is to abuse. It's tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification.
To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to
be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.
To expect too much, to
denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse.
There's physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse.
The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously.
They're "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
There are 3 important categories
of abuse:
OVERT ABUSE
The open & explicit
abuse of another person.
- Threatening
- Coercing
- Beating
- Lying
- Berating
- Demeaning
- Chastising
- Insulting
- Humiliating
- Exploiting
- Ignoring ("silent treatment")
- Devaluing
- Unceremoniously discarding
- Verbal abuse
- Physical abuse
- Sexual abuse
are all forms of overt abuse.
COVERT OR CONTROLLING ABUSE
Abuse is almost
entirely about control. It's often a primitive & immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was
rendered helpless.
It's about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability,
mastering the environment - human & physical.
The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction
to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (& difficult patients) because they're afraid
to lose control over their body, its looks & its proper functioning.
They're obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their
physical habitat & render it foreseeable. They stalk people & harass them as a means of "being in touch" - another
form of control.
To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects
- not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other - is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization
that something is wrong with his worldview, that he isn't the centre of the world or its cause & that he can't control what, to him, are internal representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind - being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you can't manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems & mechanisms.
Here is a partial list:
UNPREDICTABILITY
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and irrationally. This serves
to render others dependent upon the next twist and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next outburst,
denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives of his nearest and dearest
- by shattering the rest of their world through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his stable presence in their
lives - by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational
actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
DISPROPORTIONAL
REACTIONS
One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions.
He reacts with supreme rage to the slightest slight. Or he would punish severely for what he perceives to be an offence against
him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and considerately
expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive, charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting
code of conduct and the unusually harsh and arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in the dark.
Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and judgment passed - on the abuser - are thus guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
If you are up to
the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
DEHUMANIZATION & OBJECTIFICATION
(ABUSE)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills & basic good-heartedness
of others. By dehumanizing & objectifying people - the abuser attacks the very foundations human interaction.
This is the "alien" aspect of abusers - they may be excellent
imitations of fully formed adults but they're emotionally absent & immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive,
so phantasmagoric - that people recoil in terror. It's then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they're the most susceptible
& vulnerable to the abuser's control.
Physical, psychological, verbal & sexual abuse are all
forms of dehumanization & objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you're afraid of him. Don't
negotiate with bullies. They're insatiable. Don't succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough - disengage, involve law
enforcement officers, friends & colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Don't keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy
is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
ABUSE
OF INFORMATION
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects
information. The more he knows about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or
convert it "to the cause".
The abuser doesn't hesitate to misuse the information he gleaned,
regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.
TIP
Be
guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent
your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities & red lines.
Don't behave inconsistently. Don't go back on your
word. Be firm & resolute.
IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he's sorely needed.
The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his
connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable & the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought.
The abuser generates his own indispensability.
TIP
Stay
away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer & suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans.
Keep others informed of your whereabouts & appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant & doubting. Don't be gullible
& suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
CONTROL BY PROXY
If all else fails, the abuser
recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in short,
3rd parties - to do his bidding.
He uses them to cajole,
coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate & otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey.
He employs the same mechanisms
& devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form
of controls by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person.
Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment & humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim.
Society, or
a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser's proxies re unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they're
being abused, misused & plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
AMBIENT ABUSE
The fostering, propagation & enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation,
instability, unpredictability & irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse,
nor any manipulative settings of control.
Yet, the irksome feeling
remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth & self-esteem. Self-confidence
is shaken badly. Often, the victims adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance & thus renders himself or herself exposed even
more to criticism & judgment.
The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged & the abuser - the suffering soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse
often develops to overt & violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation
- but you owe yourself a life. Bail out.
AUTHOR BIO: Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for
Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior
Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
How Victims are Affected by Abuse - By Sam Vaknin
Repeated abuse
has long lasting pernicious & traumatic effects such as:
The victims experience:
In "Stalking
- An Overview of the Problem" (Can J Psychiatry 1998;43:473–476),
authors Karen M Abrams & Gail Erlick Robinson write:
"Initially, there is often much denial by the victim. Over time, however, the stress begins to erode the victim’s life & psychological brutalization results.
Sometimes the victim develops an almost fatal resolve that, inevitably, one day she will be murdered. Victims, unable to live
a normal life, describe feeling stripped of self-worth & dignity. Personal control & resources, psychosocial development,
social support, premorbid personality traits & the severity of the stress may all influence how the victim experiences
& responds to it ... Victims stalked by ex-lovers may experience additional guilt & lowered self-esteem for perceived
poor judgement in their relationship choices. Many victims become isolated & deprived of support when employers or friends
withdraw after also being subjected to harassment or are cut off by the victim in order to protect them. Other tangible consequences
include financial losses from quitting jobs, moving & buying expensive security equipment in an attempt to gain privacy.
Changing homes & jobs results in both material losses & loss of self-respect."
Surprisingly, verbal, psychological & emotional abuse have the same effects
as the physical variety (Psychology Today, September/October 2000 issue, p.24).
Abuse of all kinds also interferes with the victim's ability to work. Abrams & Robinson
wrote this (in "Occupational Effects of Stalking", Can J Psychiatry 2002;47:468–472):
"... (B)eing stalked by a former partner may affect a victim’s ability to work in
3 ways. First, the stalking behaviours often interfere directly with the ability to get to work (i.e.,
flattening tires or other methods of preventing leaving the home). Second, the workplace may become an unsafe
location if the offender decides to appear. Third, the mental health effects of such trauma may result in forgetfulness, fatigue,
lowered concentration & disorganization. These factors may lead to the loss of employment, with accompanying loss of income,
security & status."
Still, it's hard
to generalize. Victims aren't a uniform lot. In some cultures, abuse is commonplace & accepted
as:
In such circumstances,
the victim is likely to adopt the norms of society & avoid serious trauma.
Deliberate, cold-blooded
& premeditated torture has worse & longer-lasting effects than abuse meted out by
the abuser in rage & loss of self-control.
The existence
of a loving & accepting social support network is another mitigating factor. Finally, the ability
to express negative emotions safely & to cope with them constructively is crucial to healing.
Typically,
by the time the abuse reaches critical & all-pervasive proportions, the abuser had already, spider-like, isolated his victim from family, friends & colleagues.
She's catapulted into
a nether land, cult-like setting where reality itself dissolves into a continuing nightmare.
When she emerges on the other end of this wormhole, the
abused woman ( or, more rarely, man) feels:
In an effort to
regain perspective & avoid embarrassment, the victim denies the abuse or minimizes it.
No wonder that survivors
of abuse tend to be:
Many end up abusing prescription drugs or drinking or otherwise behaving recklessly.
Some victims even develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
AUTHOR BIO: Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He served as a columnist for
Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior
Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
Will It Ever End - By Jessica
Dillard
A lot of people in life
think there life is just awful & that it can't get any worse, well I am here to tell you my life & that it could be
worse. I'm 18 years old. My mother left me when I was born for drugs. My father took me.
He also sexually abused
me from age 2 till 11. At 11 I tryed to kill myself & wasn't successful, but I did end up going to foster care.
I was abused in the first foster home I was in so I ended up "giving up" as I like to put it. I was angry at the world, God
& me.
So I started cutting myself. I love the way the outside pain made the
inside pain go away even if it was for just a minute. I ended up in a treatment hospital. There I started starving myself
which led to an eating disorder.
I got down to 68 pounds.
I went thru several hospials & foster home I became known as the child that could not be helped. Everybody was scared
when I turned 18 because they thought I was really going to kill myself. But I suprised them all.
At that time something
in my head clicked & I suddenlly decided I want to proof everybody wrong. I had previously dropped out of school
& started GED classes.
I passed my GED. When I passed I felt good. I had accomphished
something positive. So I started taking counseling seriously & learned alot about myself.
Now I am in Beauty school
& living on my own with assistence from youth villages & DCS. I still sometimes struggle with my low selt-esteem thoughts
& plus I have bipolor so sometimes issues with that & medication.
Sometimes I still cry
because I feel like I didn't have a childhood or teenhood & suddenly I am an adult.
But still that feeling
of proof everybody wrong is so strong I can't let those people win. That might not be the best way of pushing myself
to good & to make it in life,but I hope one day I can do it just for me. I know I am strong I just have to learn how to
apply it.
My message to
every one is your life could be worse & I don't care what it is that pushes you to succeed use it entill your stronger.
Then to all the ones out
there like me & who might be reading this to find comfort I feel you I pray for you & one day you will wake
up & realize that you have to keep on pushing you just can't give you can't let those who hurt you win .
DON'T LET THEM WIN!
You're way better then them just because you survived & yes it will end!
 reach me by email anytime! click here to send an email now!
Expert: Dwayne Anderson - 7/27/2008
Question
Hi...
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. He has a volatile temper and has been verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive. It seems that I'm always
doing something to make him mad...........of course I get the usual lecture, which includes name-calling, humiliation, swearing,
loud yelling, belittling, etc. If he gets mad enough, he's been known to push or shove me against the wall or other
pieces of furniture, throw things (including throwing water in my face),
and uses intimidation tactics like gritting his teeth, shaking a fist or getting in my face.
He'll say something like,
"If you'd just do what I tell you to, maybe I wouldn't get like this." I'm left feeling like it's my fault that he gets
so angry. He says I don't try........I don't give him a chance. But for 15 years I've been reading every book
I can get my hands on that deals with anger. He would never read any of them. I begged him to go to counseling.
He'd go for a few months, and then quit when the counselor started digging down deep. He'd get scared and run.
He is constantly on my case about my poor communication skills. The thing is, I don’t
have problems communicating with anyone but HIM. He wants for me to tell him when he does something that bothers me.
That sounds simple, right? Well, it’s NOT. In the past I’ve always gotten met with harsh words,
criticism, etc. I have learned to keep my mouth shut, out of fear. He blames my lack of communication for us not
making progress. Is he right? Am I to blame? I sure do feel the pressure……..the guilt.
I've gotten so tired........NO, exhausted! It's not that he's not willing to try. He
says he wants to, but things never change. We spent 1 ½ years in marriage counseling (Jan 2007-June 2008). It
appears to have gotten us nowhere. I've lost my motivation to keep trying. So in return, I feel guilty........mostly
because I feel like I’m the one who's giving up. He’s recently started reading some of the books that I
bought years ago.
We have a 12 year old son. I would HATE for him to be like
his father some day. It runs in the family, as my husband emulated his own father. It scares me to death. I
don't know what's worse: exposing my son to the abusive behavior, or having him live without his father in his life.
My husband and I are currently not living together. We just went about a week without contact……..he
called tonight and we spent 1 ½ hours going over and over all this stuff AGAIN. As usual, my poor communication
was the main topic. During the week of no contact, he made no attempt to reach out to our son. I don't know how
he could do that. Again, I end up feeling badly because I don't want my son to blame ME for the distance between him
and his dad.
I don't know what to do. Should I take him back again? How
possible is it that he will actually change......and stay changed? I am so bad with change. It would be a huge,
life-changing thing for me to leave. And then there’s the guilt. How do I deal with that and move on? I
don't even have a job right now. What the heck am I suppose to do?
Answer:
Abuse is never the victim's fault. The abuser is the one who
resorts to such actions, yet there is usually a reason for such.
You say your husband emulated his father? Was he himself
a victim of abuse? If so, he should seek help for resorting to abusing his loved ones will do no good.
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The Cycle of Abuse
It's important
to note that a parent or guardian is at a substantially greater risk of abusing a child
if he or she was abused. Increased substance abuse has also been attributed to the incessant rise in cases of child abuse.
Identification & reporting
to proper officials - such as the police & local social services - are among the components essential to breaking the cycle of abuse that continues to plague America’s children.
What are the effects of domestic violence
or abuse?
The adverse effects of domestic violence or abuse can be very long-lasting. People
who have been abused by a spouse or intimate partner often suffer from:
- Depression
- Anxiety attacks
- Low self-esteem
- Lack of trust in others
- Feelings of abandonment
- Anger
- Sensitivity to rejection
- Chronic health problems
- Sleeping problems
- Inability to work
- Poor relationships
- Substance abuse
In addition to these problems,
physical abuse may result in serious injury or death if the victim doesn't leave the relationship.
 Some personal thoughts....
by kathleen
I not only married one abusive person, I married three abusive
men. It's true. Each one different, each one just as injurious as the other. It happens to women from every race, every cultural
background, every economic level. It happens without you knowing it's happening to you.
When I was a little girl, I watched abusive situations within my immediate & extended
family. No one said anything about it. It happened. It happened loud, ugly, bold, hideous, hurtful, shameful & over and
over again. Children abused, wives abused, aunts abused, husbands the abuser, fathers the abuser, grandfathers the abuser
- all related, all the same warped sense of reality... abuse happens.
On the outside, our family looked, "perfect." We were all, "fine." We were all, "god fearing
church goers." We were all, "intelligent, more so than most." We were all, "living comfortably." We were all, "family oriented."
We were all, "close." We were all abused if we were women & children.
I can't say that all the men in the family were abusive. I can say the majority were.
Somewhere along the way, I began to have symptoms. I'm talking about when I was a child. I
had many stomachaches. They were horrible stomachaches. I had to stay in bed and rub my stomach. I developed irritable bowel
at a very early age. My grandmother would tell me that she had it too. She told me to take deep breaths, blowing out slowly,
rubbing my stomach, that if I continued to do that the pain, the cramping would go away. It never did. Not until I was in
my 40's anyway. Not until I began to recover from my lifetime of abuse.
I was very sensitive about certain things as a child. When something bad happened, it seemed
magnified 100 times to me. I was never just afraid of things sometimes like most kids. I was terrified of things. I would
get a pain in my sternum. It was horrible. Sometimes I would break out in hives all over my body. My mother took me to an
allergist. I was diagnosed with a temporary food allergy. That was crap. I was extremely sensitive and not allowed to show
any feelings or emotions. I wasn't allowed to cry. I wasn't allowed to be sad. I was told that I was "fine."
For my whole life I felt like I wasn't connected to anyone but my mother's mother. My grandmother
was so good to me. She was the only one in my life that I was sure loved me. I was afraid of my father for my whole life.
He would get very angry, very quickly. He liked me when I was very little, but somewhere in time, he quit liking me and he
got plain mean with me. It seemed like he wanted to hurt me, both physically and emotionally.
There were so many factors. As I grew up, became a teenager, things got very bad. I was depressed.
I was very depressed. I started smoking and drinking. My world was very unhappy.
This was the beginning of a life full of abuse.
I never knew what normal was. The article to the left holds every symptom I developed throughout my lifetime - the result
of abuse, physical, emotional, verbal, financial, spiritual... once you start accepting abusive treatment it invades your
life. You're never the same. You are a victim.
If you're being abused now... get out. Go to a domestic
violence shelter and ask for help. Don't ever go back. Don't ever accept abuse into your life again. It's time for you to
recover. Recovery is what the emotional feelings network of sites is all about.
Are You In An Abusive Relationship?
All relationships have there ups and downs, but there are certain types of behavior in any relationship that are unacceptable and abusive. If you
think that your partner is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the information
below.
Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship
is the first step to breaking free.
What is relationship abuse?
Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to
maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by
the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and
can include threats, isolation and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and/or violence
against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control him/her.
Self-test: Is your relationship abusive?
Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions
below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Does your partner:
■ humiliate, insult, criticize, demean or yell at you?
■ ignore or
put down your thoughts, feelings or accomplishments?
■ treat you
so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends and family to see?
■ blame you
for all the problems in your relationship, or for his/her own abusive behavior?
■ see you as
property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
■ act excessively
jealous and possessive?
■ control where
you go or what you do?
■ keep you
from seeing your friends or family?
■ check up
on you all of the time to see where you are and who you are with?
■ accuse you
without good reason of being unfaithful or flirting?
■ limit your
access to money, the phone, or the car?
■ have a bad and unpredictable temper?
■ destroy your belongings or things you value?
■ hurt you,
or threaten to hurt or kill you?
■ threaten
to take your children away or harm them?
■ threaten
to commit suicide if you leave?
■ force you to have sex?
Do you:
■ feel afraid
of your partner much of the time?
■ avoid certain
topics out of fear of angering your partner?
■ feel that
you can’t do anything right for your
partner?
■ wonder if
you’re the one who is going crazy?
■ feel increasingly
trapped or powerless?
■ feel emotionally numb or helpless?
What to do if you’re being abused
If you are in an abusive
relationship, you may feel confused, afraid, angry
and/or trapped. What should you do? Taking the wrong step
could escalate tensions or may destroy the relationship permanently.
The following information can help. Obviously, the level of your response will depend on the degree of seriousness with which the abuse is inflicting emotional
or physical injury.
1. Acknowledge the reality of abuse.
The first step toward changing
things is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Even
if your partner says he/she cares about you and you care about your partner, it’s not okay to be put down, pushed around, scared or intimidated
into things that make you feel uncomfortable, unhappy or
unsafe, just because you are in a relationship. And it is
never okay for your partner to use physical violence. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.
2. Meet with a professional therapist or counselor.
For your health and safety,
and the security of any children who may be involved, it
is vitally important that you utilize the help of a professional
therapist or counselor who can help you assess your situation and advise you with solid principles and practical information.
Contacting your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) is a great place to start. In addition to professional and CONFIDENTIAL counseling, your EAP can refer you to people and
resources that can empower you with support, advice and
information to help you break the cycle of abuse.
source site: click here
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I think that someone I know is being abused.How can I help?
Many domestic violence victims either don't know who to turn
to or have had bad experiences when they've reached out for help. Your willingness to help can be important to a victim in
her safety planning efforts. But while being willing and well-intentioned is good, being prepared to offer the kind of help
that's needed is even better.
Possible indicators of domestic violence
The
effects of domestic violence are far-reaching and can emerge in many different ways. Awareness of these effects will not only
help you better understand the experience, but will help you better identify someone who is being battered.
Visible physical injury including:
- bruises, lacerations, burns, human bite marks, and fractures—especially
of the eyes, nose, teeth and jaw;
- injuries during pregnancy, miscarriage, or premature births;
- unexplained delay in seeking treatment for injuries; and
- multiple injuries in different stages of healing.
Illnesses that may be related to battering
include:
- stress-related illnesses such as headaches, backaches, chronic
pain, gastrointestinal disorders, sleep disorders, eating disorders, and fatigue;
- anxiety-related conditions such as heart palpitations, hyperventilation,
and "panic attacks"; and
- less commonly, depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, and
alcohol or other drug problems.
"Presenting problems" are often related to
or a result of domestic violence and include:
- marital or "family" problems;
- alcohol or other drug addiction; and
- "mental health" problems.
In the workplace, the effects of domestic
violence can emerge as:
- lost productivity, chronic absenteeism or lateness, or requests
for excessive amounts of time off;
- on-the-job harassment by abuser, either in person or over the
phone; and
- poor employment history, or loss of employment.
How can I know for sure if she's being abused?
The only way to know for sure if
someone you know is being abused is to ASK. One of the common myths about battered women is that they don't want to
talk about their victimization. While many do make efforts to hide the battering, they often do so because they fear being
embarrassed, their partner finding out, being blamed, not being believed, or being pressured to do something they're not ready
or able to do. Directly asking a woman in private, without judgment, without pressure, and even without expectation
that she will trust you enough to disclose, relieves her of the burden of coming forward on her own, and can tell her a lot
about your concern, caring, and willingness to help.
Keep it simple. If there are specific observations that are
the source of your concern, you might say something like, "I noticed ‘x, y and z' and I'm concerned about you and wonder
if there is something I can do to help." Or, "It seems like you're stressed out and unhappy. If you want to talk about it
now or some other time, I'll keep it between us."
People are sometimes hesitant to approach a woman about their
concern for her safety because they feel that it is "none of their business," or that their offer of help will be unwelcome.
But the notion that "what happens behind closed doors" is off limits is a notion that has contributed greatly to women's isolation
from help and support. Your risk of being rejected is relatively minor in comparison to the risk of contributing to her isolation.
If you ask, be prepared to respond supportively
There are many things you can do to prepare yourself to offer supportive and empowering assistance to a battered woman.
- Educate yourself about domestic violence
- Read this guide, talk to a domestic violence advocate, read some of the materials listed in the back of this book. Understand
what services are available.
- Initiate a conversation in private and when
you have enough time to talk at length, if she chooses to.
- Let go of any expectations you have that
there is a "quick fix" to domestic violence or to the obstacles a victim faces. Understand that "inaction" may very well be
her best safety strategy at any given time.
- Challenge and change any inaccurate attitudes
and beliefs that you may have about battered women. Battered women aren't battered because there's something wrong with
them. Rather, they are women who become trapped in relationships by their partners' use of violence and coercion. The better
able you are to recognize and build on the resilience, courage, resourcefulness and decision-making abilities of battered
women, the better able you will be to help them.
"Do's" of providing supportive and empowering
help
- Believe her—and let her know that
you do. If you know her partner, remember that batterers most often behave differently in public than they do in private.
- Listen to what she tells you. If you actively
listen, ask clarifying questions, and avoid making judgments and giving advice, you will most likely learn directly from her
what it is she needs.
- Build on her strengths. Based on the information
she gives you and your own observations, actively identify the ways in which she has developed coping strategies, solved problems,
and exhibited courage and determination, even if her efforts have not been completely successful. Help her to build
on these strengths.
- Validate her feelings. It is common for
women to have conflicting feelings—love and fear, guilt and anger, hope and sadness. Let her know that her feelings
are normal and reasonable.
- Avoid victim-blaming. Tell her that the
abuse is not her fault. Reinforce that the abuse is her partner's problem and his responsibility, but refrain from “bad-mouthing”
him.
- Take her fears seriously. If you are concerned
about her safety, express your concern without judgment by simply saying, “Your situation sounds dangerous and I'm concerned
about your safety.”
- Offer help. As appropriate, offer specific
forms of help and information. If she asks you to do something you're willing and able to do, do it. If you can't or don't
want to, say so and help her identify other ways to have that need met. Then look for other ways that you can help.
- Be an active, creative partner in a woman's
safety planning effort. The key to safety planning is taking a problem, considering the full range of available options,
evaluating the risks and benefits of different options, and identifying ways to reduce the risks. Offer ideas, resources and
information.
- Support her decisions. Remember that there
are risks attached to every decision a battered woman makes. If you truly want to be helpful, be patient and respectful of
a woman's decisions, even if you don't agree with them.
Quicklist
DO:
- Ask.
- Express concern.
- Listen and validate.
- Offer help.
- Support her decisions.
DON'T:
- Wait for her to come to you.
- Judge or blame.
- Pressure her.
- Give advice.
- Place conditions on your support.
If Someone you Know is Involved in an Abusive Relationship
- Become involved. Advise victims of ways you can help (i.e.,
providing housing, money, child care, etc.). Help victims locate shelter and resources. Offer to call attorneys or make appointments
with social service agencies. Provide transportation to the appointments and support throughout the decision-making process.
If you hear a violent incident occurring, call the police.
- Demonstrate concern. Tell victims the abuse is not their fault.
Let them know you are afraid for their welfare and the welfare of their children. Many victims may not be able to see the
harm violence does to their family until someone outside the family voices their concern. Hearing that others see the effects
of violence on the children will often prompt victims to seek assistance.
- Provide support and encouragement. Victims should hear from
friends and family that they are worth better treatment and deserve to be loved. Supportive positive messages may enable victims
to find the strength within themselves to escape the violence. Understand if victims are reluctant to leave: staying may be
a survival strategy. Let victims know you are willing to help when they are ready to ask for assistance.
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